Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-06-2013, 12:24 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 195
Default Confused

I'm talking to T online last night in a social chat, and she seemed distracted. She says she's just tired. We retire to private for a bit before planning to sign off. There's less distraction, but again, she is tired. We sign off. I do my ritual of sending her a good night text and fall asleep. Two hours later she sends me a goodnight text back. She lives two time zones away. It's currently an online relationship, but I'll see her in July, so I think of it more as a long distance relationship.

T is a white liar. She hides her poly side from 2 of her 3 boyfriends (M is one). One knows nothing except she's online a lot. One online she lies to directly (she's been with him in real life too), though he knows she has a real life bf. She's got at least one other online regular playmate, and a friend that I think is now platonic, but was also a lover. She sees lying as necessary to protect other people's feelings. M would be leave her if he knew she and I were together, but she has no interest in an exclusive relationship with M for a variety of reasons. M isn't exclusive either. So to protect the relationship they have, she lies to him. I certainly see the logic, even if I can't deal with it myself.

I have told her that I can't deal with lying. I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships and if I can't that the person I'm with is telling the truth, then I become a nervous wreck. She seems to understand that and has trusted me with all her stories. I know about all (most?) of the boyfriends.

So here's where I'm confused. All the evidence points to that she wasn't tired. She was with one of her other men last night. If she told me, of course my feelings would have been hurt, but I've never tried to make her mine exclusively nor make her feel bad for not spending time with me instead. In fact, quite the opposite. I fear we spend too much time together. But she didn't tell me, and when you're "so tired" you don't spend two hours getting ready for bed.

But what if she did? Maybe some email. Got distracted. She does take 30 minutes easy getting ready for bed. Could it have taken two hours? It's unlikely, but it's possible.

I KNOW she loves me very much. She wouldn't trust me the way she does if that wasn't the case. She's an extremely private person, but has let me in with details that could destroy her personal and public life.

So I don't know whether to confront her with accusations that are likely true, but in the grand scheme of things are just my insecurities. It doesn't really matter if she said good night because she was tired or because she had a date. That's the way she thinks. And logically it's true. I think, of course, it matters because if you lied to me about that, what else are you lying to me about?

I'll probably confront her. It's the way I am. I won't be able to hide my worry. All that will come of it is we will both be hurt though.
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-06-2013, 06:26 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 195
Default

Well, I handled that poorly. She texted me first this morning, and she must have anticipated an issue. after saying good morning and saying I had been busy, I said, "did you sleep ok? looked like you went to bed late after saying you were tired."

she replied, "ouch! " and that she'd talk to me later since she couldn't really have that conversation at the time. we talked briefly with me apologizing and saying I didnt mean for it to be hurtful. her saying it was but not giving any other commentary. she then changed the subject, and had an appointment she needed to get to (and is causing her anxiety)

Sorry for the poor capitalization. forums and my phone havent been playing well together. ill update more later.
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-06-2013, 11:03 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 195
Default

Talked to her for a while this afternoon. She says she wasn't distracted and had a good time. Emphatically said she wasn't talking to anyone else (early in the evening). For those not familiar with online chats, if you're chatting with someone else, it's similiar to trying to have two phone conversations at the same time. Not quite as bad, but people who are familiar with you will notice your patterns.

So, if that's the case, I just made the whole thing up. I guess. She said she still wouldn't be able to tell me she was ending a chat with me to go talk to someone else. She feels it would hurt my feelings. Which it would, but the not knowing hurts more. She can't relate to that though, so I have to accept it.

There still some unresolved issues, but I don't know that they are solvable. I'm a planner. I like to think of her and I years from now. She's not. She lives with us in the now. Part of that is my relationships don't end. Her's do.

I've got to find a way to relax. She's helping though, so we'll see.
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-08-2013, 01:56 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 195
Default

Well, she was helping until last night. Now it just raises more questions.

She came to visit for a few minutes in a public chat. Things seemed ok, and then she says, "I'm too exhausted to chat." We say goodbye. I head to bed shortly thereafter. 90 minutes later, I get a text asking if I'm awake (because she's feeling a little depressed). about 20 minutes later I wake up and notice it. I plan on leaving the "if you were so exhausted to talk to me, why are you up 2 hours later" alone, but she pre-empts it by asking me, "Why are you awake?"

So I have to ask in return, "Are you ok? You said you were exhausted hours ago. What's keeping you up?"

She claims it was she wanted to be anti-social, and did house work. I don't buy it. If she needed to do housework, she could have just said, "I just wanted to see you for a few minutes, but unfortunately I have things I have to do before bed."

It sure seems like she's lying to me, but maybe I'm just paranoid and does it even matter?
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-08-2013, 06:52 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 195
Default

So, now I get to look like an ass. She's dealing with some depression issues. That will throw anyone off. I don't know if we'll be back to normal, but at least I have context. I can definitely support her rather than aggravating the situation.
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-12-2013, 04:16 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 195
Default

Communication question:

T has been having depression issues so hasn't really been up for anything but short superficial chats. I appreciate the time she has made for me.

Last night, however, she was upset because her yahoo messenger stopped working on her pc. It's important to her because that's how she primarily communicates with many of her friends. I understand this as well. When tech stuff goes wrong I'll drive for hours trying to fix it if that's what it takes, and I get super irritable if people interrupt me.

So, I spent two and a half hours trying to help her fix it, finally deciding just to use trillian instead. By then we were both exhausted. This morning a sent her good morning texts and then didn't hear anything from her for hours until I received a "help! Trillian isn't working" message from her.

I'm missing our quality time together, was being romantic this morning, and the first message I get hours later without any acknowledgement is "help, I can't talk to people besides you!"

Can I communicate that it hurt my feelings? Am I being insensitive with the other stuff going on?
__________________
Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 17 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:30 PM.