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Old 12-07-2010, 07:26 PM
xianny xianny is offline
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Default BF having a baby - thoughts and advice?

I've been dating a guy, J, for about 3.5 months. We started things with the understanding of "something casual", and he told me right away that he was married. Neither of us were interested in getting very attached; "just sex" was a perfectly acceptable baseline.

As things go, we get along pretty well, and are starting to be more of friends. We see each other once a week; usually we go have dinner and then he stays the night at my place. He's met a few of my friends and I've met a few of his. I recently went to turkey day dinner at his place. We also found out we have quite a few mutual friends-of-friends, so there's probably an impending merger of friends in the mix.

I've only met his wife, B, once, when we went for coffee and chatted for about 40 minutes. She's very pregnant, due in about a month, and having a rough go of it, so she's tired most of the time and doesn't have much energy for socialising.

I don't really have a specific question, but I wanted to get some thoughts and advice from people more experienced than me. I would really like to be friends with B, but I don't want to impose on her, and I'm unsure as to how to proceed. My instinct tells me to just take it easy and let someone else set the pace.

He has told me that we probably won't have as much time together after the baby arrives, which is not a surprise at all, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But I'm definitely feeling like this is more than "just sex" now, and I feel like I want to be a part of their lives even if J and I are not having regular dates.

I also feel that I want to help somehow post-baby, but I don't know how appropriate that would be, or how comfortable B would be with anything. Gifts of food? Or should I just stay away?

There's a selfish part of me that just wants to be involved, but really I just want to make the whole experience easier for them. It would make me happy to be able to help but I'd be OK if they just wanted me to disappear for a while. I also find myself caring about B even though I barely know her; caring by proxy I guess. Somehow I wish that we'd met at a different time so that I'd have a better opportunity to get to know her.

So... thoughts, advice, anything to help me navigate this period of time to produce maximum good feelings and a minimum of unhappiness?
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Old 12-07-2010, 07:32 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I bet that the wife/mother would REALLY appreciate an offer of errand-running or house-cleaning, laundry-doing, or watching the baby so she can grab a shower or a nap. These are the complaints I seem to hear of most from people who just had a baby.

If she says "thanks but no thanks", then you've done your part by offering. Just make sure you that when you make an offer of help, you MEAN it, in case she accepts.
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Old 12-07-2010, 07:46 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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If you want to buy a gift-diapers, in size 1 and size 2 (everyone buys hte small one, babies grow unbelievably fast), wipes (never enough), a gift certificate to get mommy's hair done or a massage...

I don't advise baby clothes-because everyone gets new babies clothes and many of them end up donated having never been worn, because the babies grow so fast.

If you want to be helpful-a gift basket of pre-made meals, fresh fruit and veggies....

And for sure like Neon said-offer to clean can be HUGE-sometimes giving someone a gift certificate for cleaning services-with specified things, like bathroom cleaning, kitchen cleaning, vacuuming etc is less invasive to them than just saying "would you like me to come clean?".

Even if it's for YOUR services-it feels a bit less invasive.
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Old 12-07-2010, 07:55 PM
xianny xianny is offline
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One thing that I might not have mentioned is that I'm almost never over at their place, so I would feel awkward just offering offhand to help with chores or errands. I would like to be in a position to do that though.

They also already have a regular cleaning lady so offering to help in that respect would probably be redundant.

I'm just not sure what would be appropriate in this situation and it makes me feel terribly awkward.
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Old 12-07-2010, 07:59 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Just tell them if there's anything they need help with, not to hesitate to ask you. You could even put it in writing. Get a "Congratulations on your new Baby" card, and write "I'm not sure what you need, so if there's anything I can do to help out, consider this card a standing offer". Sometimes all people need is to KNOW that help is available. They might not ever need the actual help, but it gives them peace of mind to know it's out there if they do.
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Old 12-07-2010, 08:02 PM
xianny xianny is offline
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That sounds like a really good idea and something that I could definitely do. Thank you!
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Old 12-12-2010, 07:18 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xianny View Post
.......................
There's a selfish part of me that just wants to be involved, but really I just want to make the whole experience easier for them. It would make me happy to be able to help but I'd be OK if they just wanted me to disappear for a while. I also find myself caring about B even though I barely know her; caring by proxy I guess. Somehow I wish that we'd met at a different time so that I'd have a better opportunity to get to know her.

So... thoughts, advice, anything to help me navigate this period of time to produce maximum good feelings and a minimum of unhappiness?
Ok...........

So what would YOU value if the role was reversed ?

What would you offer to a friend ?

Your instincts (and heart) seem to be guiding you to do the right thing. Listen to it/them Keep it real.


GS
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:27 AM
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Jodi Jodi is offline
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i don't see any harm in getting gift for the baby once it's born. you can write in the card that if she needs any help to call you. mb you can make a tray of food that they can freeze, so this way they won't have to cook. theyr'e going to be very tired w/ a new baby. i'd say go with your instincts, but those types of gestures of friendship will most likely be appreciated. also, after women have babies, they're very harmonal, emotional...so yes, i'd tread lightly. you are good to feel compassion for his wife. hope it works outwell for all involved.
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