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Old 12-04-2010, 09:54 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Default How do you avoid distraction?

Hi all, so I am curious about something. How do people in a poly situation manage not to be distracted by the dynamics of one relationship when they are in the company of another? I mean, I had a long conversation with someone last night and I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it and more stuff I want to say to him, and tomorrow I am going out to meet another friend for brunch, and I have a feeling it will be hard not to keep thinking about this.

I know it's all about being present to what is and living in the moment -- believe me I have lived for 15 years always trying to practice that -- but aren't there times when one person in your poly relationships seems to dominate your thoughts and gets in the way of relating to the other(s) with whom you are also involved? For me, relationships can be so heady and all-consuming sometimes. How do poly people handle this?
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Old 12-04-2010, 10:36 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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I can only speak from a mono point of view- but I noticed early on that my wife has a sort of transition period when she comes home when she is a bit quiet. It sometimes lasts a couple of hours. The other guy says she is the same there when she first arrives and when she is getting ready to leave. It is as if she needs to get used to us again. It is not a problem as long as we don't expect too much interaction when she first arrives.
I know this doesn't answer your question fully but it is kind of related I think.
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Old 12-04-2010, 10:45 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Breathe.

Be here now.

Love one another.

Pay loving attention to your partner's needs, and to your own. Love forward with love, respect, and integrity. Trust them to do the same. Somehow it all works out. How? I don't know; it's a mystery.
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Old 12-04-2010, 11:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I don't find it different from thinking about a loved one when you're out with a friend... It would only be hard if I had to hide it. Usually I talk about it, the reason why I'm thinking about the other person, what we did last time we talked, etc.
And then I enjoy my time with the person I'm with. I'm not sure how it would work with both of them being here, since the holidays will be the first time with all three of us being in the same place. I'll tell you how it went after the holidays are over, I guess!
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Old 12-05-2010, 01:01 PM
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I've actually had to think about this! lol

I talk about it. When I'm with Possibility I talk about Breathes & vice versa. It doesn't seem to annoy them although I haven't thought to ask.

There's nothing wrong with letting your partners know you are thinking about them when you're with the other, unless you're obsessively thinking about them then I would think some serious introspection would be in order so you could figure out why you were obsessing.
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Old 12-05-2010, 05:52 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Even in all my previous mono relationships, I often thought about others. It's natural. But it generally only happens when I'm not doinf much and my thoughts are left to wander. When I'm out doing something with someone I love, my mind is fixed on them. I don't know how or why, but that's just the way it works for me.
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Old 03-23-2011, 02:08 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
t -- but aren't there times when one person in your poly relationships seems to dominate your thoughts and gets in the way of relating to the other(s) with whom you are also involved? For me, relationships can be so heady and all-consuming sometimes. How do poly people handle this?
Hey there NYC

I guess this is something pretty general - not specific to poly.
When there's something going on in our lives that requires/needs a lot of our mental resources, it's hard to give proper attention to anything else.

The trick for me at least is acknowledging this and calling time out. Then looking at whatever the resource hog is and asking if it REALLY deserves the level of priority I'm allowing it.

The answer to this may vary, because sometimes the need is there and sometimes it isn't. If it is, I don't mind sharing it with someone because at least that acknowledges that in the moment - they ARE an important consideration and that I'm trying to balance best I can.
If I discover that the conflictor is hogging more of my resources than is necessary or fair, via practice I've gotten much better at putting the silencer on it for the moment.
But that's just a skill that comes with practice.

GS
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Old 03-23-2011, 11:32 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I only have one partner right now... But when I'm thinking about Raga (ex partner) or W (interest with whom things didn't happen), I tell Seamus about it, and he's very understanding, and that helps.
Sometimes, just saying that is enough to get it off my mind, but sometimes I need to talk a bit longer, and then he listens and provides feedback and advice if asked to.

I find that in the end, it makes me more at ease in my feelings for the other people, but also for the one who is right here with me, I feel closer to him because I can be myself with him.
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Old 03-24-2011, 02:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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I do best if I can talk about what's on my mind. Whether it's finances, kids, other lovers, D/s... doesn't matter the topic, if I can talk honestly and openly for a few minutes with my partner I'm more able to let it go and then move on to enjoying our time together.

When it's most difficult is times like right now, when there is an ongoing conflict. It's hard to just set it aside and have a day-but I have to, because it could be MONTHS before it's resolved. Usually, in moments like this-I acknowledge the emotion I'm feeling about the conflict in present moment, 5-10 minutes and then I can move on.
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Old 03-24-2011, 03:32 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCindie
How do people in a poly situation manage not to be distracted by the dynamics of one relationship when they are in the company of another?
When you figure it out, let me know.
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