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Old 04-01-2013, 10:11 AM
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Sekhmet Sekhmet is offline
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Talking The gods must be crazy

Hi everyone!

I've got a thread over in the poly relationships forum, but I just discovered this section and I think I'd prefer to tell my story here.

My husband Q and I have been together for 7 years, married 5. He was my first, well, everything, sexually, beyond second base. When I get interested in something, I research the hell out of it, which lead me to the Sex is Fun podcast, which led me to Poly Weekly. I listened to at least a hundred of those, not with the intent of being poly, but because I was interested and I love the open communication. I told Q then that I would be open to talking about opening our relationship. Neither of us had anyone we were interested in, but we agreed that we'd talk about it if someone came up.

He's only been with a handful of women, and only two PiV. He has a son with that ex. My stepson (Loki) lives with us and has since shortly after our wedding.

The emotions of being a stepparent can be very similar to the ones dealt with in a polyship. You have to share your SO's time and resources, you don't necessarily like the person(s) you have to share with, etc. There can be jealousy, envy, feelings of neglect, etc. We went through all of them. I adore my stepson, but it was HARD to go from a relationship of mostly just the two of us to sharing each other with another person (albeit, a 4-year-old boy).

I truly believe I did a lot of the emotional work that would lead to my being okay with poly then.

Q is a flirt, and always has been. Last week though, he told me that his flirting with our friend Miss M had gone from casual to...with intent? She had pulled him aside and asked him how inappropriate they were being and if she needed to back off. That's when Q told her about our agreement. He said he'd have to talk to me, and they left things there.

When he brought it up with me, I was a bit shocked; after all, it had never actually come up in the 7 years we've been together. I told him that I needed to sort through a bunch of feelings and that I wasn't saying "no," just saying "wait."

He and I texted all day (because, of course he had waited until 30 minutes before I had to be at work to bring it up ) and I felt...mostly okay with moving things forward, but slowly. Miss M and I texted a bit too. I immediately looked up which books were most recommended, and bought Opening Up that night.

Thursday, I started texting in earnest with Miss M. Neither one of us have done anything like this before, and we both felt better talking about things, though it was, in her words, "new frontiers in awkwardness!" I've agreed to loan her Opening Up as soon as Q and I are done with it. She and Q set up a date for last night. It was agreed that there would be no sex (intercourse) among a few other minor agreements. I asked Q to text me to check in, and I brought Ativan to work with me in case I needed it.

Everyone had a lovely night, and I didn't have any feelings that I needed to work through. At the time, anyway! She had posted on her Facebook that she had no plans for Easter and didn't want to be alone today, so I impulsively texted her that she was welcome to hang out with us. Eventually she told me that she was afraid of the awkwardness between her and I. I understand that; I was just in a hurry to push through that. I did apologize; it's ironic that I asked her to work at my pace and didn't respect her right to do the same.

She and Q are seeing each other tomorrow night again, while Loki is at his grandma's for the night. They've discussed her testing status, and agreed to use condoms with spermicide, and will likely be having sex tomorrow (tonight?). I'm 95% sure I'll be fine. I have asked that he not spend the night. I won't be at work, and I don't want to be alone all night.


That was really long. Welcome to my little drama if you made it through that, and if not, that's okay! I think it helped me to type it out.
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Old 04-01-2013, 10:28 AM
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Sekhmet Sekhmet is offline
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Default Feelings, boundaries...

I've been trying to figure out where our boundaries are with all this. The thought of Q with another woman turns me on, but I understand and respect the fact that Miss M doesn't really want him sharing details with me. I told her that I would ask for as few details as possible while still making me be okay with everything. She agreed, and I think I honored that. All I asked Q is if they kissed and made out.

I really like Miss M, and I hope the awkwardness between us goes away soon. She said she's not ready to hang out with me yet, and I understand. I'm pretty sure we're going to do our first hang out with our bigger group of friends, and with alcohol present to grease the wheels. I'm okay with that, but I want to feel normal now! *temper tantrum*

Q has a pierced penis, and I've asked that he not use the ring or barbell with her during intercourse. I don't think this will be a forever boundary, but I want to have something that is "ours" while getting used to the idea of another person in his life.
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Old 04-01-2013, 03:56 PM
cosmicsunshine cosmicsunshine is offline
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I think those are some reasonable ground rules to start good luck!
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Old 04-02-2013, 07:53 AM
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Sekhmet Sekhmet is offline
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My fridge is broken.

Q went to Miss M's tonight and had permission to have sex. I was doing okay, though feeling like shit physically due to a combination of allergies and yard work.

I took a benadryl and went to bed, texting Q the plan. Woke up just before midnight and Q wasn't home. He had been expecting to be home around then. I waited, and finally texted him that I was up and wonderful where he was. Ten minutes later, I texted again, saying that I was freaking out. He finally texted back saying he'd lost track of time and he was on his way home, sorry.

I started crying soon after that. He called and we talked, ok, I cried and he talked. I don't even really know why I'm crying. He's promised to hold me when he gets home which I'm sure will help.
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Old 04-02-2013, 03:19 PM
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Sekhmet Sekhmet is offline
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Well, it's morning and we survived the night.

Q got home and did hold me. I'm pretty sure I was crying out of fear and illness. My lungs still feel like they're going to explode. If I hadn't already worked overtime this week, I wouldn't be at work today. That, and I'm sure it's allergies that went into my lungs and not something contagious. The fear was set off because he wasn't home when I expected (we hadn't set a specific time, more of an "around") and then didn't answer my text. I was afraid he didn't want to come home.


Q told me this morning that he felt bad and guilty for making me cry. I asked him to try not to, since he didn't really do anything wrong. He was expecting me to be asleep. Hell, I was expecting me to be asleep! I did ask him to agree to be home at a specific time in the future, at least for now. And pointed out that we've learned not to do new things when I'm this kind of sick! Not to mention the two overnight shifts in a row which completely threw off my sleep schedule. I'm going to talk to my boss about getting off those.

I'm torn over how much to tell Miss M. I don't want her to feel the guilt that Q has been feeling, and knowing her, she probably would.
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(The Divine) Miss M: 27yo mutual friend, GF of Q just recently
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Old 04-02-2013, 03:44 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe just let her know that it was rougher than you thought it'd be, and that you have jointly responded by deciding to set specific "home by x-o'clock" times for a while, but that overall you're doing good, feeling strong and cared for in the marriage, and still looking forward to continuing to explore. Assuming that all actually feels accurate? More detail than that shouldn't be necessary.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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