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Old 03-30-2013, 05:18 AM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
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Default New to poly and have some questions

First a little about me/us. I am 30 yrs old and bi. I've been with my husband for almost 12 yrs and married almost 10 yrs. He is 32 yrs old and straight. we have been with other girls/couples before but it has never been a relationship. Its been more of a fwb thing. He started talking to this girl and really hit it off. not to long after that me and her started talking to each other and we get along so well. We are now in a poly triad. this is the first time we have ever been in a poly relationship. Its been kinda hard for me. i think its because i have been with him for so long and sharing is different. Sometimes i feel kinda left out. like last week she slept over and they would snuggle and i kinda felt alone. sometimes i wonder if they are getting closer and im kinda just there. they seem to talk alot more than me and her talk. am i being crazy or are these feelings normal? im thinking this is normal and things i just need to work through? my next question is how do you deal with people that do not support our life style? my family is very old school italian family and very against it. even though i really have not completely told them. but they keep telling me that its wrong, he is going to leave me for her, and im a embarrassment to the family. god that is hard to say/type. pretty much i am not talking to them about it and not involving them in our relationship with her. I've come to the conclusion that i am 30 yrs old and can no longer let them control me or my thoughts or feelings. Both of us are really falling in love with her and i refuse to let my family mess it up. The final question i have is children. How do you explain to kids if they start to question us. We have a 6 and 4 yr old and she has a 7 yr. I'm sure the 6 and 7 yr old will be asking questions soon so I am wondering how do you answer their questions. Sorry this is so long just lots of questions. thank you in advance for you advice
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Old 03-30-2013, 06:02 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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i think its because i have been with him for so long and sharing is different.
I like the language you are using here because you aren't making a value judgment. You are correct, having someone all to yourself and then watching them split their time and resources with someone else is a pretty big change. No doubt that can be quite a shock to the system.

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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
sometimes i wonder if they are getting closer and im kinda just there.
I get you; it can be a trial to work through. I have recently been dealing with my feelings about IV spending most of her "bed time" with CV. It isn't because we are new to the relationship (she had a family trauma and this is one of the temporary reactions) but the difficulties are similar. I've been posting here on my blog, making sure to be "present" whenever IV reaches out to me, and being patient.

She's coming back around but it has been a trying learning experience for me.

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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
they seem to talk alot more than me and her talk.
Each relationship is likely to be very different. If you think about it, all relationships are very different. The way you are with one friend might not be how you behave with another. Everyone brings something to the table and we naturally react. It isn't a value judgment necessarily, just that different people prompt different instincts of interaction.

In the poly world it turns out that this is actually a positive thing. We get to have loving, romantic relationships with various people who all challenge, entertain, and interact with us on different levels. I see it as having more opportunity to live more fully when it comes to relating with others and hopefully our partners are exploring the same opportunity.

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am i being crazy or are these feelings normal? im thinking this is normal and things i just need to work through?
You are decidedly not crazy.

It's normal and something you need to work through. I don't hear anything in the way you've expressed yourself that causes me to have too much concern. If you'll keep in mind just a few things I'm sure you'll be fine.

1. You are responsible for your own feelings (you seem to be embracing that)
2. Enjoy what you *do* get from your partners and focus less on what you *don't* get
3. Feelings of jealousy or confusion are normal, just as long as you don't let them rule your actions (you sound like you are working on this)

Opening up to family and raising kids will be better answered by one of our other members. I can give you plenty of advice but it is unlikely I can't bring much useful information to the table.
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Old 03-30-2013, 07:42 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
We are now in a poly triad. this is the first time we have ever been in a poly relationship. Its been kinda hard for me. i think its because i have been with him for so long and sharing is different. Sometimes i feel kinda left out. like last week she slept over and they would snuggle and i kinda felt alone. sometimes i wonder if they are getting closer and im kinda just there. they seem to talk alot more than me and her talk.
It's pretty common in a poly triad for things to be a little "unbalanced." This seems to be especially true of MFF triads, with the male partner and the newer female partners showing more affection than the female-female side of the triangle, leaving the other female partner feeling a bit left out of things.

So where does that leave you? You could try talking to them and expressing your feelings about this. You could try talking to your male partner and letting him know that you're feeling a bit neglected, and telling him some ways he can show you more affection and attention. You could try talking to your gf and letting her know you'd like to spend more one-on-one time connecting and getting closer.

Quote:
am i being crazy or are these feelings normal? im thinking this is normal and things i just need to work through?
I always struggle with the word "normal" and I'm not going to try and guess what you mean. Common? Yep, it's pretty common for someone in your situation to feel that way. Inevitable? Nope, probably not, but there's nothing wrong with having the feelings that you do.

Few people have much experience in multiple triads. They tend to try it once, and it often explodes, and they never touch them again. They often appear forced. People try to form this perfectly balanced triangle where everyone always gets the same amount of love and affection, and that's typically unrealistic. They often split off into a "vee" or simply implode. Not trying to be the doomsayer, just reporting what I see.

I find that relationships work a lot better when you just let them flow, being what they are rather than imposing expectations and being disappointed when those expectations are not met. If you let go of expecting the relationship with you and the other woman to be as powerful as the relationship with you and your boyfriend, or her and your boyfriend, then you won't be so upset if it doesn't turn out that way.

Quote:
my next question is how do you deal with people that do not support our life style? my family is very old school italian family and very against it. even though i really have not completely told them. but they keep telling me that its wrong, he is going to leave me for her, and im a embarrassment to the family. god that is hard to say/type. pretty much i am not talking to them about it and not involving them in our relationship with her.
There are a number of people on here who aren't "out" to their families. I personally see nothing wrong with that. Families of origin tend to have a "Christmas and Easter" role in most people's lives, and there usually isn't a lot of good reason to press the issue. You don't need your parents' approval to live your life the way you want to. You're not likely to change the way they think, and it could be a constant struggle.

Then again, some people "need" to be out and can't live life with "secrets" that they keep from their family. In that case, all you can really do is do your thing and hope they come around.


Quote:
The final question i have is children. How do you explain to kids if they start to question us. We have a 6 and 4 yr old and she has a 7 yr. I'm sure the 6 and 7 yr old will be asking questions soon so I am wondering how do you answer their questions.
Openly and Honestly. Kids are really cool and they have little to no predetermined beliefs. If you tell them this is acceptable and positive, they won't know any differently.

My gf has kids, she and her husband are both poly, and things work really well over there. The 14-yo just sees their other partners as more cool people hanging out around the house from time to time, and maybe the occasional extra gift at Christmas. It's worth mentioning that in our case, myself and her husband's boyfriend both have our own spouses, so we don't spend the majority of our time there.

Some people worry about the kids getting attached, and then the relationship(s) failing and the kids getting sad. That's always a risk of course, but it's no greater than when a single mom is dating in general. Every kid is different. Some get really attached, others could care less.
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Old 03-30-2013, 09:55 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
how do you deal with people that do not support our life style? my family is very old school italian family and very against it. even though i really have not completely told them. but they keep telling me that its wrong, he is going to leave me for her, and im a embarrassment to the family. god that is hard to say/type. pretty much i am not talking to them about it and not involving them in our relationship with her. I've come to the conclusion that i am 30 yrs old and can no longer let them control me or my thoughts or feelings. Both of us are really falling in love with her and i refuse to let my family mess it up.
This is the part I have something to say about.

Marcus gave you excellent advice earlier, namely:

"You are responsible for your own feelings."

Now I would like to remind you that this applies to your family members as well. Your mother, your father, your siblings and grandparents and just everyone is responsible for their own feelings. If they feel embarrassed about what you are doing, that is their problem and not yours. Their telling you to be "the embarrassment of the family" is showing that they really do not take that responsibility to be their own.

In my opinion, this kind of behavior is closely linked to something called "honor violence". In a narrow sense honor violence is most often associated with islam: violence muslim women face if they do not follow the rules of the religion and culture, thus fouling the honor of their male relatives. In a broader sense honor violence includes all acts of violence against anybody that are motivated by sustaining the honor of a community of people, whether it is a family or a religious cult or whatever. Now note that an act of violence does not need to be physical, words can do just as much harm.

What advice could I give you? You seem to have understood already that you do not have to put up with their behavior. It is a good idea not to let them mess up your life and your happiness. Make your own choices and stick to them, that will make you happy in the long run. It might result for some or all of your family members despising you and not wanting to be with you, or as well they might get used to your choices and accept them in the end. Either way, you will be able to find balance and happiness in your life by being true to yourself and not letting them dictate. It is their choice whether they want to be part of your life or not. Also, if being with them continuously makes you feel bad and unaccepted, you can choose to cut your ties with them. That is a drastic action and hopefully not needed, but should be mentioned as an option, too.

As a whole your story sounds to have a positive tone, and I hope it all goes well for you!

Last edited by Nadya; 03-30-2013 at 10:52 AM. Reason: typos
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  #5  
Old 04-05-2013, 11:50 PM
flower2012 flower2012 is offline
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Default oddly similar

This is my first post on this board because our situation is so oddly similar (minus the kids on my end and I'm 32, hubby is 36, gf is 26) that I thought maybe I wrote this posting in my sleep or something! Seriously, same exact situation - including a VERY Italian family on my side. We've been married for 5, together for 9 with our girlfriend for 8 months. Hubby met her, starting dating her first - then I met her. We hit off and all dated, eventually into a committed relationship. So maybe I can offer some insights - since I know how you feel!

Firstly - I view our triad as 4 interconnected relationships (me-hubby, me-GF, hubby-GF and the 3 of us together). For me in order for the triad to flourish, all of the relationships need "watering" (love & attention). For me, it's important that hubby & gf have quality time / develop their relationship, just like I try to go on date nights with just her so we can get to the same level / talking about meaningful subjects / deepening our relationship (which in the beginning wasn't the case - I felt similar to you but now we've broken past it).

Secondly, your feelings are totally "normal" (whatever that means! ) I felt similar. Give it time. Think about their perspectives and try to understand the "why" behind things. I find comfort in that and it helps control my negative emotions.

Also, I asked a lot of questions about how she feels on various situations/topics so I can understand how she thinks/ her POV. I realized that in beginning she was most concerned about how I felt, what I thought (about her), she was often nervous about her actions and how I'd take it. I realized that she's in a very vulnerable position, so I needed to make her feel as welcomed and comfortable as possible - which could mean more time with hubby/GF and less with me for both of them. (This is true even after 6 months together). Things take time.

Let's talk more - because I bet we have lots in common!
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Old 04-06-2013, 05:22 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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your feelings are totally "normal" (whatever that means! )
There is a tendency currently to shy away from using the word "normal". I presume this has something to do with stigma associated with the word which doesn't belong there. "Normal" seems to have been lumped together with "desirable" or "acceptable", which is not remotely what the word means.

In this case the posters feelings are exactly normal.

Quote:
Normal: Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected
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Old 04-06-2013, 05:26 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Normal: Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected
I noticed that the word "healthy" is not one of the words used to define "normal".

Now I am prepared to be chastised for saying things I never said.
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:14 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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There is a tendency currently to shy away from using the word "normal". I presume this has something to do with stigma associated with the word which doesn't belong there. "Normal" seems to have been lumped together with "desirable" or "acceptable", which is not remotely what the word means.
Fair enough. Yeah... typical, usual, expected... i.e. boring.

I've just always disliked "normal" and not because I associate it with "desirable" or "acceptable." I don't. I find "normal people" to be especially undesirable, personally. Give me abnormal any day.

Ahh, perhaps that's it. Abnormal... Deviant...

[nerd]Actually, in my world, normal usually means perpendicular.[/nerd]
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:28 AM
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Fair enough. Yeah... typical, usual, expected... i.e. boring.
I thought it would be fun to use a word in a way that actually agrees with its definition, just this once.
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