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Old 03-27-2013, 10:03 PM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Default Confused: Poly and threesomes are not the same correct?

Hello All,
Newb here who's confused and hoping some more experienced poly's can offer some advice.

Background:I am a straight female who is monogamous. My fiance J, came out as being poly/bi going on 2 years ago. Mind you we've been together for over 6 years and engaged for most of it so this came as a shock. J was my first everything (relationship/sex). Poly was never something I considered for myself so I did not want to throw away the relationship just cause. I do love him and want him to be happy so I am trying to be open but at the same time not sure what I can handle. We tried a relationship in the past and it failed. J hooked up with A from work and while I had a little discomfort it did not bother me too much (mostly just uncomfortable with PDA, hugs and kisses are ok but full on make out session not comfortable with). J really wanted me to have a relationship/threesome with A. Now while J has no problem jumping into the physical side of relationships quickly, I tend to need more than attraction. I need to get to know a person enough to trust and be friends with them before anything physical in nature comes into play. So A and I took the time to hang out and were on our way to being friends. Our problems came with J pushing both of us into doing things of a sexual nature before either of us was ready. The result, A got angry/unhappy with J and pulled away from him but became closer with me (mainly because I just wanted to be friends and was not interested in doing things of a sexual nature yet). So naturally J got hurt and next thing I know, he's saying A was out to get me and break us up and J's friends are warning him etc. End result, A is no longer in the scene and I'm less one possible new friend and totally confused/lost as to what REALLY happened versus what J told me. J went back to pushing for me to have threesomes/moresomes to the point I had to give him the ultimatum of exclusive or break up. I do not like having to do that but the pain/stress was just too much for me.

PROBLEM: Recently J brought up wishing to try again with having an open relationship with another. He really wants me to be with another man with him. I told him the problem wasn't being with another person but that he pushes for too much too soon. My main problem is J is REALLY pushing me to have threesomes and moresomes. I am super not comfortable with this. While I'm not totally opposed to open relationship I am strongly against seeing/participation in sex acts with others especially seeing others with J. I am not saying a threesome could never happen but I am saying it has to happen at my pace with someone of MY choosing. I'm worried that while I love J, is a future possible with J? I want him to be happy but not at the expense of my happiness. Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?

Confused and stressed, thy name is Beth.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?
Sounds to me like you are opposed to J pushing things on you or rushing you into things that you do not want for yourself at this time. You state it several times that this is the problem. His pushy pushy.

You want to determine your behaviors YOURSELF. YOU choose. Who, what, when, where, how and why. Not him.

J was pushing A also -- J doesn't seem to understand that while J might be ready to jump in, other people are not. It's not all about his jollies here. Why does J treat other people like toy things and not people with a will of their own? So weird. Kinda creepy too.

I'd tread with caution there. Maybe you are open to threesomes and polyshipping -- but not with J.

So best to just say NO. No threesomes. No polyshipping. Stop pushing me. Not gonna happen. You already said that. Look:
Quote:
I had to give him the ultimatum of exclusive or break up. I do not like having to do that but the pain/stress was just too much for me.
Does he respect your limit? Nope. Look at the behavior he chooses:

Quote:
PROBLEM: Recently J brought up wishing to try again with having an open relationship with another.
Your move now.

You gave a limit. He chose to push again and not respect your limit. You gonna uphold the consequence and break up?

YOU could honor your own limit of tolerance for all this stress and pushy pushy and break up.

Save yourself future drama with this person.

Breaking up stinks, but if preserving your long term sanity and best healths means going through some short term break up suckage -- maybe that's the choice that stinks least in this whole scenario? To be free of the stress and drama crazy?

How are you feeling about it?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2013 at 07:38 AM.
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  #3  
Old 03-28-2013, 07:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Nobody should be pushing you to do anything sexual with anyone else if you are not ready and especially since you have made it clear you don't want to. It's your body, you choose who to be sexual with - no one else has that right, whether you are engaged or married or not.

And NO, polyamory is not simply threesomes and group sex. Poly is about having multiple love relationships, and many poly people never have group sex. J suddenly seems to have become very focused on sex acts -- which makes me wonder what happened to head him in that direction if that wasn't an interest before -- but group sex is just group sex, it's not poly and not automatically what poly people do! A poly relationship just means that a person has more than one partner, but what's important about the word "polyamory" is the "amor" part -- it's all about the love and being loving, not having as much group sex as possible!

I think J is being completely unreasonable and well, very creepy, and so it looks to me like walking away from the relationship is a healthy thing to do for yourself right now, though of course it will hurt after investing so much into it for years. Good for you for looking out for you, stating your position clearly and taking a stance.

Is A a man or woman? Just want to get clear on who's who.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2013 at 07:54 AM.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:25 AM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Is A a man or woman? Just want to get clear on who's who.
A was a male coworker of J's.

I may be a sucker for punishment but I cannot give up on J just yet. I know he loves me but I just think he's confused and so hooked on his fantasy that he's not being objective and hearing me.

I keep telling him we should go to of the local poly support group meetings so he can talk to others and possibly make some friends as our friend base has shrunk due to people moving away etc. He keeps saying he wants to have/make more friends to socialize with. But he's opposed to the idea of going to the poly gatherings for some reason. I figured this would be a great way for him to meet other poly's and have a support base and make some new friends. I'm for anything that gets us out of the house and meeting new people and friends who might share like interests. I may be a shy introvert but I do like meeting people who share common interests and making new friends.

Either way it's nice to know it's not me being unreasonable but J being too pushy. With him being so pushy and me having no one to really talk to about this, it causes me to get confused and question myself emotionally when intellectually I know I am correct if that makes sense. Thank you both for listening and the advice.
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:27 AM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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Another way of looking at it could be to ask yourself the question:

'What would I need in order to feel comfortable about going ahead with this situation?'

As in, you rightly say J is being too pushy, which implies you're not comfortable enough yet. That also implies you may be comfortable enough at some point in the future.

So what would need to happen between now and then in order to bridge the gap? What is not happening now that is causing you to want to push back?
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:45 AM
Beth13 Beth13 is offline
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Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery View Post
Another way of looking at it could be to ask yourself the question:

'What would I need in order to feel comfortable about going ahead with this situation?'

So what would need to happen between now and then in order to bridge the gap? What is not happening now that is causing you to want to push back?
For one, when I even slightly indicate that I might be interested in something like that in the future he pushes for RIGHT NOW as in calling up a male friend/acquaintance and setting something up that night or that week. I first need to know and trust ANYONE I plan to let in my life that much, not accounting if there any kind of attraction at all.

Then there is the whole if I indicate the possibility of a future threesome he immediately starts running away with the idea of orgies and wanting a female in the mix when I have explicitly indicated I would do NOTHING with a female as I am not attracted to females and that it would put me in a negative mental place due to having been molested by a female when I was a child.

With those two in mind this is why I tend to want to run away when he start in on adding another to mix. I have told him to slow down and that I cannot move that fast but he seems to have this idea in his head that once things get going everything will work out and that it's nothing more than 'first time jitters'. It's like he's in his own fantasy land and not paying attention to reality and hearing what I am saying. Super frustrating.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Nobody should be pushing you to do anything sexual with anyone else if you are not ready and especially since you have made it clear you don't want to. It's your body, you choose who to be sexual with - no one else has that right, whether you are engaged or married or not.
This.
And no-poly does not = threesome.

Sometimes threesomes happen, sometimes they don't.
This is true with people who are poly and people who are not.
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  #8  
Old 03-28-2013, 08:16 PM
kyrsten kyrsten is offline
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I agree with all the previous advice, and want to add that in Poly, threesomes may not even be the preferred thing... In my relationship we are far more likely to have one on one intimacy between any two of us, than to have a threesome... Life is just plain too busy, and with three children we have almost no privacy!
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:48 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I would encourage him to read this thread. I think that both your sentiments laid out so fully and clearly, and the advice given so far, are just what he needs to see in plain language. If that's not enough to make him realize that the way he's acting is driving you away and accomplishing the opposite of his goals, then I don't know what will.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:40 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth13 View Post
I'm worried that while I love J, is a future possible with J?
A future is always possible, but if he continues to push you into things you're not comfortable with, it will not be a happy future.

Quote:
I want him to be happy but not at the expense of my happiness.
And this is as it should be.


Quote:
Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?
It's beside the point. He's pushing and pushing for things you've made it clear you're not comfortable with. I once watched a man push and cajole his wife into a horse ride, when she was clearly terrified of horses. And to my mind, pushing someone into sex is way, way, way beyond that. This is your body, your emotions, for many people sex touches something in the very heart and soul. There are health concerns. He's pushing you into something with serious consequences. He's way out of line, and whether your opposition is to poly or threesomes in particular isn't a question right now. His behavior and disrespect of your boundaries is.
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