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Old 11-27-2010, 07:26 PM
gennamoon gennamoon is offline
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Exclamation Advice...please

Hi everyone! I'm not sure if this is where I should be posting my information or not, but I am hoping that someone can point me in the right direction if not. I have been dating a guy for two years now. We have both been married before and for two years prior to him dating me, he basically just had 'hook ups', nothing more. I am more of a relationship short of person, but am very open sexually and am very accepting of other types of relationships. He is very much a flirt and where he works is propositioned a lot by women just looking to have sex. He enjoys 'the chase', but has never done anything more with a woman other than heavy flirting. Over the past few months, I've come to realize that even though we have a fantastic sex life and get a long great that at some point he might want more than just flirting. I was reading an article about a basketball players wife that gives her husband permission for have one fling a year. I've started to wonder if I could do the same thing for my boyfriend. We have talked about having a threesome many, many times...I must admit I'm a tad bi curious and he just recently told me that if I wanted to get a girl on the side when he wasn't around, he would be totally ok with that.

I know this isn't really polyamory because he isn't looking to be in a relationship with anyone because I'm the only person he wants a relationship with and he's not even sure that he would sleep with anyone else even if I gave him permission, but I'm just trying to understand the various types of relationships and what goes into them so that at some point I can make a decision that is very sound. I go back and forth with the whole monogamy thing. Part of me thinks that if you're with someone that you get along with and have fantastic sex with then why be with anyone else; however, I also see where that's sort of old school thinking and I am far from old school. I'm not going to say that I don't wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I enjoy the chase too, but I know that I'm more wired to be in a relationship rather than anything else.

I've been reading various things on these boards and have found people to be very informative. Again, I know this isn't a polyamory situation, but I'm hoping someone can give me some information to get me in the direction I need to be looking. Thanks
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Old 11-27-2010, 07:44 PM
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mushaboom mushaboom is offline
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Have you read The Ethical Slut? It covers polyamory, open relationships, swinging and more. I think it is a great jumping off point.
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Old 11-27-2010, 07:56 PM
gennamoon gennamoon is offline
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No, I haven't read it. I've been working on an order for amazon for Christmas and have been debating on whether or not to get that book, but was trying to find some good feedback from anyone that has read it. Unfortunately, I have one good friend that I can talk about these things with and that's about it which is why I felt I could try posting on here. Thanks for the recommendation!!!

BTW, I'm a HUGE Feist fan too
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:14 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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I'll just say about the Ethical Slut - I bought it myself, and IMO it's not only a great book on things to prepare for and be aware of if you're looking at a polyamorous or more open relationship, it also has a lot of great relationship advice even if you're monogamous. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm working on that lol.
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:24 PM
gennamoon gennamoon is offline
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Well, I guess I will order it on Amazon and make that my Christmas gift to myself so that I can figure all of this out Thank you!!
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Old 11-27-2010, 09:08 PM
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mushaboom mushaboom is offline
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I totally agree with Raven. It is great for source for relationship advice. Lots of good info about communication and I also felt it really helped me to understand more about myself and what I want in my relationship/s in general.

For me (to answer your "why be with anyone else question"), even though I have a great relationship with my husband and we have fantastic sex, a big part of how I relate with people is emotional and sexual and a monogamous relationship limits my ability to connect with the people I care about. I have the capacity to 'control myself' and not cheat but an ethical and loving open relationship seems ideal to me. My partner and I are still in the first boundary defining stages, so most of this is all in theory, lol.

What other questions are you pondering?

(And yes, Feist rocks! )
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Old 11-27-2010, 11:42 PM
gennamoon gennamoon is offline
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I'm honestly not sure what questions I have. Like I mentioned, my boyfriend in the past has been able to have just one time flings and it just be strictly about sex whereas I can't do that. For whatever reason when he met me (two years ago), he didn't pursue that type of relationship with me. We have a really good friendship and a fantastic sex life, but I know the idea of me being the only person he will ever be able to have sex with is sort of suffocating to him. About a few months ago, I felt the same way to a point. I have had a problem in the past when the sex gets routine and comfortable, I begin wondering about other people. I guess right now I have a lot of insecurities because I am very, VERY confident about myself in the bedroom which is why I'm having a hard time understanding why him wanting to potentially sleep with another; even if it's just once a year, baffles me. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that he told me that knowing that I'm reading about this and trying to become knowledgeable about it with me possibly considering it is enough. I also mentioned that he said if I would say it was ok, he isn't sure he would even do anything about it. It's the knowing that he has permission that would make him happy. My boyfriend is one of those guys that just likes knowing that he could if he wanted to. He has his own set of insecurities, but is far better at covering them up then I am and I think that girls propositioning him keeps his insecurities at bay.

I guess I just wonder how something like this works? I tell him down the road, go ahead and have one or two flings a year; then what? What types of rules are set up? The other thing is, once a person is with someone else and they come back to their primary relationship how do things just go back to normal? I don't know if I would be jealous or not. I can understand certain situations where this type of relationship would work. One of the women that has propositioned him is married and her husband travels ALL the time so this is the arrangement him and her have since they are never together. I can see where that arrangement would work, but him and I see each other almost daily. We live right around the corner from each other. I also wonder if a threesome might be a better route to go since I am bi curious and could be a part of it?

Again, I know this isn't polyamory, but I'm not sure where else to go to ask for insight. I appreciate the responses
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