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  #1  
Old 11-27-2010, 04:02 PM
OneUncagedBird OneUncagedBird is offline
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Default Perhaps because I am single....

I have a question, to new and old alike. What I don't understand is the need to make someone a husband or a wife and then have a gf or bf or a tertiary or whatever the other levels are. I understand the multiple relationships, the need to love and be loved by more than just one, I just don't understand the getting married part. No judgement on my part, just querying as to why people choose to set up the tiers and have all the labels. I am trying to understand the choices that so many people on this forum have made. I guess, I just feel like if you are going to marry, then it should be monogamous. But if you aren't going to be with just one person, then don't marry. Perhaps I am just new and naive, but I would love to have other perspectives, please.
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  #2  
Old 11-27-2010, 04:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OneUncagedBird View Post
I have a question, to new and old alike. What I don't understand is the need to make someone a husband or a wife and then have a gf or bf or a tertiary or whatever the other levels are. I understand the multiple relationships, the need to love and be loved by more than just one, I just don't understand the getting married part. No judgement on my part, just querying as to why people choose to set up the tiers and have all the labels. I am trying to understand the choices that so many people on this forum have made. I guess, I just feel like if you are going to marry, then it should be monogamous. But if you aren't going to be with just one person, then don't marry. Perhaps I am just new and naive, but I would love to have other perspectives, please.
I think you might have the order wrong. A lot of couples fall into poly together and then deal with the consequences. In fact I can only think of one couple getting married while being involved in poly. (congrats TP...today is your day )

Also, I know in regards to my wife and her family. The social construct around marriage is exceptionally important to them. In order for me to ever be accepted and recognized as her partner in life, I would need to be married. Sometimes that construct is important in a persons life. I am her life partner, so it is something I saw as a good thing to do for her and in turn us.

When we married, we had no definition of fidelity in our vows. Does that change your opinion on marriage and being open? Marriage, in todays world, is what you make of it. It is not a religious political construct anymore. My marriage was a celebration of the love I feel for my wife. The love just doesn't include monogamy.

As a non-religious person, this is easy for me to clearly define. Others may have a larger difficulty with it.
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Old 11-27-2010, 04:39 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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Interesting thought. I began as mono. I was taught mono, believed mono, etc. We became swingers, but still carried the mono mindset (to us, sex does not equate with love). And ultimately, our poly relationship was a serendipitous result of swinging. So what I have as my foundation in this poly relationship is, essentially, my marriage. It is the solid ground on which I stand, when I reach out for new experience

I can understand your question. I guess if I were single when I began in the poly world, I might be asking it as well. We all have different journeys
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  #4  
Old 11-27-2010, 06:16 PM
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For us, My husband and I have been married almost 12 years. We have 2 beautiful(albeit crazy) boys together. We decided recently to add my boyfriend who is actually a ex of mine and was his best friend since early school years. It sounds odd to most people. But my BF loves me and I love him. I wont say I love my bf with the same intensity as I do my husband. With the 3 of us its natural. We have all known each other so long we just connect. I know the fact S and I are married should scream MONO! But it doesnt to us. My marriage is a priority. I talk to S about everything. have since we were teens and just best friends. He has always been my rock. My bf is the one who made me laugh instead of cry. Neither one like seeing me cry lol. It doesnt happen often. We see it as a puzzle. You cant have the whole thing with out the pieces. And this is a 3 piece puzzle. S is always my first. my bf comes next. And my bf accepts that and respects my marriage. To me my marriage is a seal between me and S that no one can break. It doesnt mean that he owns me or I him. That piece of paper doesnt tell anyone what they HAVE to do in marriage. That you HAVE to be mono. That you are to only live the way that others do. That paper just signifies a love that we wanted to make permanent in the eyes of the courts. lol I think in the eyes of many Im a cheater(of course if hubs approves...is it really) Or a slut. whatever. In the eyes of our house(which is the only thing that matters) I am loved. Im lucky. I have 2 men who love me beyond words. I have 2 men that love to please me and I love to please. All and all Im just one lucky gal to be married to the most wonderful guy in the world. And a added bonus of a boyfriend whom loves me and wants what is best.
So after this long winded thing I say everyone has a different mindset. In our house this works for us. And being Mono is no longer part of it.
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  #5  
Old 11-27-2010, 06:36 PM
Passport Passport is offline
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For me, having come into non-monogamy after marriage, I always looked at it as something we shared.

Marriage for me is about tradition. I believe in the tradition of marriage, I wanted the white dress, and I took my husbands name after marriage. I will never marry again. He is the only one to ever be my "Husband"

We also have a d/s relationship. My marriage vows included, "love, honour and obey" (I have to be reminded about the obey part)

I wanted my children to have their father's name.

My capacity to love another or have a non-monogamous relationship is not exclusive of that. It is inclusive. I want/need family. Some is my blood family. The rest is my chosen family. My husband and family comes first in my life - and when you are a part of my chosen family, you are a part of my family for life.

I have read Redpepper's description of having a "tribe" I can see how that description fits. And I love reading her blog

So why marry? Because I wanted to. And he wanted to. And no matter what, he's my chosen family.
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  #6  
Old 11-27-2010, 08:26 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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First, I came in to polyamory after being married; poly is the (relatively) new development in our relationship. (We were married this last summer, poly stuff came up this October or so.)

However, I think I'd go for marriage even with poly. To me, marriage is a public declaration that we are committed to doing our very best to make this relationship work for life. It's not a decision that I made quickly, or one that I take lightly. If I were to have a long-term poly relationship with second person that I felt willing to make that commitment for, I would want to have some kind of marriage ceremony or decision (although it obviously wouldn't be legal and, because of job / family issues, may not be quite as public).

Of course, the social bonuses of marriage are nice - I was getting sick and tired of being treated badly when I tried to help Mal with doctor's appointments / school business. Receptionists etc seem to be much nicer when I can tell them I'm his wife (as vs his fiance / girlfriend). Might get interesting if I find a female partner and tell them I'm her wife lol.
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  #7  
Old 11-27-2010, 08:35 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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for us,

we were swingers before we were married.
we married and remained swingers but very very select in our partners.. mostly couples we care deeply about and have NON-SEXUAL relationships with as well as sexual ones...

we never considered being poly... and now 6 years into our marriage, it's coming up... as someone pointed out in my first thread I show the signs... multiple marriages, swinger lifestyle...

why did I marry my husband... several reasons.. he wanted to have a wife (for the first time)... I wanted him to have health insurance, it made the legalities of our life easier... his daughter as my step gets health insurance and calls me mommy....he and I are committed to each other in a way I can't imagine being committed to someone else like...

IF he and I agreed to walk away from swinging and poly (and we still may) we would be fine... POLY and swinging enhances our life...
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  #8  
Old 12-19-2010, 11:26 PM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade View Post
So what I have as my foundation in this poly relationship is, essentially, my marriage. It is the solid ground on which I stand, when I reach out for new experience
I like this statement, mainly because my BF just told me that is how he feels about our relationship and I agree with him. He said I was the rock he could anchor himself to so that he could reach out for more adventurous experiences. I loved that. I could totally see being married and open/poly.
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  #9  
Old 12-20-2010, 01:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
I like this statement, mainly because my BF just told me that is how he feels about our relationship and I agree with him. He said I was the rock he could anchor himself to so that he could reach out for more adventurous experiences. I loved that. I could totally see being married and open/poly.
That anchor analogy is becoming a recent way of saying primary/secondary it seems. I have seen it on other sights before. It is a way of getting away from the nastiness of saying "you are my secondary" "you are my primary" instead the thought is that people are your anchor instead.

Interesting... I used to subscribe to this point of view. But no longer. I don't subscribe to a hierarchy but time, depth of relationship and the connection I have with my partners... secondaries and primary relationships seem to of gone by the wayside for me and I hadn't realized until recently that that transition had happened... I think its just part of becoming an old poly lady

I put a post on another thread about this if you are interested in reading.

http://www.polyfamilies.com/polysecondary.html
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  #10  
Old 03-30-2011, 10:44 AM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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Pepper,

I understand what you're saying, but I thought, by way of explanation, that I'd mention that my poly relationship doesn't subscribe to primary, secondary either. My bf's other gf is by no means "secondary". She is just going in a different direction in life than my bf. She is Christian and one day wants to settle down and get married. If my bf wasn't poly, and was interested in marriage, I'm sure she'd want to marry him. But since she has an opposite agenda in life, their relationship seems to have a pre-set time limit of some sort. Regardless, they are very much in love and see one another almost every day and have a very sweet and committed relationship. Same with my other partner. He is not a step below my first bf, just different in almost every way, but both of these relationships have the potential to last a lifetime (as much as any mono marriage or long term relationships does).

The term "secondary" has always creeped me out. And I don't think I engage in the kind of relationships that fall neatly into those categories/hierarchies. Thanks for your input. I often enjoy reading your posts
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