Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

[nycindie]

Okay, so since coming here, I have read lots of personal stories about tribes, triads, and vees (oh my!)... and quads and other various configurations for polyamorous relationships. I am learning so much and appreciating all the new perspectives and depth of revelation people have given me here. It seems that there are quite a number of of people focused on these types of relationships, ie., building families with kids, having primaries, secondaries, and so on all living together, which is great -- but so NOT what I'm into (and that may have to do with my urban lifestyle as much as anything else). So -- I am wondering about the solo poly person.

Being that I am coming out of a 10-year+ mono marriage and considering poly for myself now as a newly-minted-single-again-person, I know I'm not interested in getting married again for quite some time (if ever), and I am 50 now and have never been interested in having kids. I am beginning to love having my apartment to myself again, now that hubby has moved out, and am looking forward to enjoying my independence and getting to know myself better with some quality alone time.

I love reading about all the ways poly works for so many different people, and I keep wondering what would work for me. Not sure if I want a primary (besides myself), however that is defined. When I think about the possibility of living polyamorously, I have some images/conceptualizations that come to mind, and then it gets a little murky. Of course, what's possible in reality usually far surpasses our dreams of what we want, but it can be useful to have a picture to move toward.

So I thought I'd throw out the question for anyone out there who is unattached or considers themselves a solo poly person. What is your ideal situation? Are you already there or hoping to get there? I look forward to reading your responses while I formulate my own. Thanks!

[redpepper]

Thanks for asking this... I have attempted to prompt conversation, at least from the sex side, but it's tough going... and... I don't get a lot of it.... I hope you get some insightful responses. I can't wait to hear more!

I would like to know thoughts on what the difference between dating and solo poly (I like this term, I have heard references to "single" but that is a bit of an oxymoron for me)...

[Somegeezer]

I think my "ideal" would be a closed V or triad with 2 female partners. But I do find that to still be a little too restrictive. The best way would be to just see what happens and where it goes. Work out the bumps on the way. I may end up just being with one person at a time. It's not as if I can know when another person would come along that I wanted to be with. =] I can't tell if whoever I was already with would be ok with that until I asked either. I wouldn't leave someone I love just to "find out" if it would work with someone else. Not again. It was a terrible mistake for me to make back then. It left me feeling terrible. If only I could have known about poly back then and maybe talked it through with them both.

[Ithink]

For me the definition of Polyamoury is the answer to your question. Many Loves. Love being the operative word here. If we (we are a couple again) find one more person and fall in love then we become a V or triad depending on orientation(?). If by some miracle we found another person that we all loved then a quad, if another couple then a quint(?). lol
And on it goes. Our ideal depends on how fortunate we are to find other Poly people that we are also lucky enough to care deeply about and it is reciprocated by them. That in itself is a minor miracle.
So long answer longer, our ideal would end up being wherever our hearts take us.
IThink.

[Athena]

I am relatively new, not so much to theoretical poly, because a lot of compersionate sideline plots are involved in standard sci fi and fantasy genre reading, but to the practice of such in real life. I am in a committed relationship with my husband, and what other relationship or relationships? develop will have a lot to do with meeting a compatible other or others, how much time we all have, and whether we are all mature enough to not have it all blow up in our faces in a nasty way. Right now, I think I am more looking for a friend or two with the long term potential to become more, and I am not even looking that hard, because I am actually pretty good personality wise at hanging out with just me for extended periods, although I find contact with other people enjoyable and interesting.

[nycindie]

I have been thinking about my own question since having posted it. I guess I really want to know what solo poly people fantasize about being the kinds of relationship situations/structures they want. Basically, I feel at this point in my life as I head into being a divorced person on my own, I don't want to jump into another cohabitation setup again. Not saying I won't ever, but I don't see it happening for a long while. My ideal situation would be to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life. I know this may seem selfish, but I like the idea of one of them being totally mono with me. In my fantasy, I don't feel it necessary for all of them to meet and get along, but if they did, that would be nice. I would want to be up front and honest with all of them, so that we all know what's going on and we all play safe.

A long time ago, in the early 1980s, when I moved into my first NYC apartment, a handyman working on my kitchen said to me, "Oh, a young girl like you's gotta get a few different boyfriends - one's a doctor, one's a dentist, one's a plumber, one's a carpenter, so you get everything done." It made me laugh back then, but if I think about the different sides of who I am, I would want a boyfriend that gets along with each, one intellectual, one creative, one down-to-earth, one geeky.

It's all just a fantasy, anyway.

[nycindie]

Someone resurrected another thread about "your ideal relationship" and so I thought about this one, which I started for solos. Since posting my thoughts on it last year, my "ideal" hasn't changed much:

Originally Posted by nycindie

. . . to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life.

I still have no interest in cohabiting with anyone else, as I have really begun to enjoy my apartment and being on my own. I am more open to being involved with a married poly guy than I was back in November, since having met my latest paramour, Burnsy. The caveat would be that I would not want to get involved with a married man who did not have as healthy or stable a relationship, or the kind of approach to poly, as Burnsy and his wife do. I really don't want the drama, no matter how drawn I am to someone, of dealing with a couple in an ailing marriage and all their baggage.

I definitely want more than two steady lovers, but I really don't know why. Having two just doesn't seem like enough for some reason, LOL.

There's this old image in my head, I think from reading Cosmo as a teen or seeing some made-for-TV movie, of an independent woman with steady lovers from all over the world, living in her totally awesome apartment and doing whatever the fuck she wants with her life without anyone else to answer to. I keep seeing this scene in my head where she answers the doorbell and ushers one lover in as another leaves, and everyone's totally cool about it. All her lovers are very different from each other -- maybe one is well-heeled and polished, another is blue-collar, while another is younger and just starting out. She goes with one to museums, galleries, and fancy restaurants, with another to picnics and football games, while another cooks for her at home. The lovemaking is different and exciting with each of them, in their own unique ways, and the woman is happy with herself and her life.

I want to be that woman, but the sad thing is that she's about 20 years younger in my head than I actually am. Sometimes I feel like I've missed the boat and have very little time left to make this all a reality. <sigh>

I thought this thread would also be a good place to re-post parts of some quotes about being poly and solo, that I had added to my blog thread awhile back:

Originally Posted by nycindie

From a blogger named Paradox:

"It's kind of a rare thing to find someone who's polyamorous and single. There are far more halves-of-couples and determined bachelors (of all genders). Not as many folks are single in the "more traditional" sense of not being in a partnership and looking for one.

But that's what I am: poly and single. I'm not in a committed relationship, not in a couple, but I want to be. I want a primary partner. It is, in fact, near the top of my priority list. I came to this polyamory thing on my own, not as part of my journey with anyone specific, and I'm looking for someone to share it with.

That's not to say that I'm trying to force every relationship into a primary space. I strongly believe in letting things develop organically and letting every relationship grow into a place that feels comfortable. That's one of the major benefits of polyamory: I can have different relationships at different levels and it's all okay. I am hoping, though, that one of my relationships turns more serious, and I'm ready to nurture anything that goes in that direction. I want to fall in love.

I think these desires give more depth to my meaning of the word "single." When I have the option of saying I'm a solo polyamorist and instead choose to say I'm single, it's more meaningful. I'm not just saying "I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now," I'm saying "I'm looking for a serious relationship along with the other less serious relationships I already have." Which is different. That's all."

http://www.papercutsandplastic.com/2...nd-single.html

I will interject here with a note: When I first posted that to my blog, GroundedSpirit responded that her viewpoint "seems little more than an attempt to relabel the mono model with minor modification." Which is a good point. Her post was the one with which I least identified, perhaps due to her need for a primary. I don't want one main squeeze, or any kind of hierarchical structure. I want to consider all my steady lovers equally, even those who are less frequently in my life (excluding any solely sexual flings).

Continued:

At Cunning Minx's FB page, "Poly Weekly Hooligans," Vicky wrote :

"I find it really difficult to know when I'm single. I'm seeing different people on a casual and/or secondary basis. What I find annoying is how everyone tries to pair me up with partners who seem to be available (for a primary relationship). I also find annoying how people seem to consider that my secondary relationships aren't "real" relationships . . . [and] that most of the poly material (reading or other kinds) is geared towards people in 1 primary relationship - such as in "opening up your relationship, etc." There's very little on how to be a secondary, and extremely little on how to be a secondary to someone who hasn't got a primary! There's nothing on jealousy towards people who are not your primaries, and so on.

. . . I much prefer the network kind of relationship style, but find it quite hard because others seem not to feel the same way I do and end up pairing and becoming something very similar to monogamous-but-swinger, if not exactly just that.

What I enjoy: being able to see a lot of people without having to discuss or agree. I have my freedom and any coming together goes from there and from an acceptance of who I am. I also make personal plans on an individual basis. I love my network. They're great people. I enjoy the varying degrees of intimacy that change in time and depending on circumstance and how we can still be close even when we're not that intimate anymore. I think what I most enjoy about being single is being seen as an individual rather than someone's partner and being able to do things and decide things on my own rather than jointly, even if I do take other people into account when taking them."

http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?ui...091&topic=5255

The last paragraph from Vicky is very closely aligned to what would feel right for me. . . . Later, I found a post about not wanting a primary at all from this blogger, Sam :

". . . I don't actually want a primary partner. I like being independent. I like traveling and embarking upon spontaneous activities without having to run it by another . . . I enjoy social situations and solitude equally. (In that same respect, being that I am focused on other things, I wouldn't be able to offer 100% of myself to that person. They would no doubt feel something lacking . . . I don't feel "incomplete" without a significant other...quite the opposite. I feel more complete without a primary!

I don't feel the NEED to . . . be a "we" or an "us". This is a strange and frightening concept for some . . . I want to be involved with someone because I want to be there...not because I feel like I have to be there (and vice versa)."

http://getasammy.blogspot.com/2010/0...-it-wrong.html

From Samantha Fraser, at "Not Your Mother's Playground" :

". . . I have no partner, primary or otherwise. I have lovers (some long-term, some short-term, some occasional), and I have people I care for (some on a very deep level, some more casually), but I do not have anyone that I would call a boyfriend / girlfriend, I do not live with anyone, and I am not married.

From a dating aspect. . . I am open & completely upfront about being poly and my poly lifestyle; . . . everyone I become involved with (or may become involved with) is 100% aware of who I am from the very beginning, and they have a choice as to whether or not they wish to become part of this lifestyle . . . Sometimes this honesty has resulted in rejection, but it’s only fair that I tell the truth from the get-go.

. . . Advantages of Being Poly & Single

• I have no partner to answer to, and therefore feel as if I have more freedom. Of course I respect my lovers & the relationships I have with them, and there are absolutely still negotiations to be done, but . . . there is no primary or boyfriend/girlfriend that I must account my actions to. I can date or have relations with anyone or as many people as I want, and the only person’s opinion I need be concerned with is my own. (Safer sex is always practiced, as it should be in any type of relationship, particularly where multiple partners are involved.)
  
• I’m already ‘out’ and open about my status, so I can avoid the (often painful) process of coming out as a couple. (I also get to avoid the annoying ‘But HOW does an open/poly relationship work?’
  
• By identifying as a single poly female, holy cats! Have I ever become popular! . . . maybe some folks are equating ‘single poly female’ with ‘fucks everything that walks’ (which I don’t, by the way-but I could if I wanted to!)…but oh boy, did my dating life ever flourish when I came out publicly. Up until recently, I’d never dated this much in my entire adult life – and damned if I’m not having a helluva lot of fun doing it."

http://notyourmothersplayground.com/...ly-and-single/

[BlackMagicBlonde]

Originally Posted by Ithink

Our ideal depends on how fortunate we are to find other Poly people that we are also lucky enough to care deeply about and it is reciprocated by them. That in itself is a minor miracle.
So long answer longer, our ideal would end up being wherever our hearts take us.
IThink.

i'm new to the practice of polyamory, although not to the idea. this last part takes the words right out of my mouth.

[BlackMagicBlonde]

i'm new to the site and everybody here...and still in a mono relationship with my (male) best friend, Z (my long and dragged-out current story is on the Personal Summaries thread), who wants to keep it that way, while i do not.

at this point...because i have a suspicion that "ideals" will change with the flow of life and time and experience...my ideal relationship would be to live as a solo poly, living alone (as i already do) in my awesome cabin shack, with the options of spending time with him as suits us both; as well as with J (my ex), and also with anybody else, male or female, who moves me to do so, who intrigues me, or with whom i feel myself developing a bond or connection...and for anybody i am connected with in any way to feel free to do the same. we would all spend time connecting regularly, keeping abreast of what's goin on with each other, what's in each other's heads/hearts/guts, hanging sometimes together as a group and sometimes in smaller intimate groups or one-on-one....

i love playing house - but only for a few days at a time, max! i feel i need as much alone time as i do time with anyone else, and as much time with one of my closest partners as i do with another. there's no one at this point with whom i want to have that "primary" committed relationship, even with the option of having other lovers or partners.

i found a line in "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) that pretty much sums up how i feel right now:

"i consider myself to be my primary partner. this is a very real label for me, not something that i adopt while waiting for 'The One' to come along. i am my own husband and wife."

i want and need love, support, encouragement, cuddling, sex, intimacy, shared vulnerability, and a lot of other very human things as much as any of us does...but i don't feel like one human can (or i should expect them to) meet all of my needs, and i don't expect myself to be able to meet all the needs of anybody else. we all connect in different ways, and each touch different parts of us, nurture different aspects of each of us....

i'll ramble if i'm let. thanks for listening!

[eklctc]

Hi, nycindie. I consider myself a solo poly person. If I had to define my current relationship type, it would be viewed as a vee with me and the wife of my partner being close to the very top of the legs but I don't choose to label many things. I am in a relationship with a married man whose wife is fully aware. I, like you, am not interested in getting married, as it is defined in this society,(I feel it is unfair to your partners if you know you live a multi lifestyle) unless there comes a time where I can marry more than one person. My kids are 17 and 11 (teen lives with me) so I am not interested in having anymore. I, too, enjoy my own personal space and, though, I would consider investing in a single place with my partners (whenever that becomes plural), I am also just as content living separately.

Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. I, along with my two male partners, would be primary in each other's lives (men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other but I would definitely condone it) and my one female partner would be secondary. I would have regular interaction with both my male partners and probably weekly to biweekly interaction with my female partner who may or may not be permanently attached outside of our relationship and may or may not regularly interact with one of my male primaries. This committed poly quad would also have extended boundaries where we are open to sexual interaction with others but reserve our emotional attachments to each other. Yea...I know it sounds like a fairytale.