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  #1  
Old 03-23-2013, 12:06 PM
dryad dryad is offline
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Default Marriage, jealousy and new feelings..

Hi all, I'm new to the forum but not to polyamory. I've been poly all my life but only started practising poly openly when I married my husband in 2008. He accepted it and while he's not poly, he was OK with the fact that I was. I met someone shortly after we married and had a relationship with him alongside the marriage. The only rule was, no sex - hubby and I agreed that sex would just be for us.

The relationship with Ben lasted about 6 months and then ended when I became pregnant (hubby and I had been trying for a baby). It ended peacefully and I was happy to practise a mono relationship with my husband.

Hubby later told me, since the birth of our son, that I wasn't happy about my relationship with Ben, that he just put up with it because he loved me, but that it tore him apart inside.

I hadn't realised this and felt awful about it but we talked and he accepted that it's just who I am. I said I'd try to 'change' and be mono, in order to save our marriage..

Well fast forward to now and I've met someone else. We'll call him Liam. I have fallen for him and he feels the same, but doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm not sure I even want a relationship with him but I really need to somehow express my feelings and love for him. I still love my husband and don't want to leave him. I want our marriage to work but he is not OK with how I feel about Liam. I told him last night and he was distraught. I don't know what to do. I'm not 100% happy in my marriage but I want to try and make it work. But I can't change how I feel. I can't become someone I'm not. I am in love with 2 people and there's nothing I can do about it!

Hubby keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am and I am in love with 2 people. Like I said I don't think I want a relationship with Liam but I need to somehow be with him, on some level. We've been spending a lot of time together as friends and when we kissed yesterday it became clear to us both that there's more to it than friendship.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do!
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  #2  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:10 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Your husband should accept who you are but his insecurities are clouding both your and his mind.

Is he afraid of sexual partners? Non-sexual partners? Or just not cool with you off with another man?

Have you told him how you feel? And how he's making you feel like a dirty ad guy for loving?
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  #3  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:14 PM
dryad dryad is offline
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What he doesn't understand is how I can be in love with too people, and the fact that I love Liam doesn't mean I love hubby any less. I think that it's jealousy, and almost like I'm destroying the sacred bond of our marriage? He says he feels lost and confused and sad that he doesn't make me happy. But he DOES make me happy - I can't seem to get through to him that I can be in love with 2 people. I don't know why after all this time, he doesn't seem to understand. He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now, he's not OK with it. Maybe because he's got used to having me to himself?
I told him I'm not happy, because for a while I haven't been happy. But I think that's my issue (alcohol issues, illness etc) but he takes that to mean that I'm not happy with HIM.
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:24 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Sometimes getting to Km's their paramours helps. Not saying it will for him but its worth a try. Why not the three of you go to coffee?

Maybe he just needs time to absorb.

Send him here! Do research together, watch shows on poly, read publications.
Maybe he jat needs the education!
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Me: bi, reformed wild-child turned mom and house maid LOL
Crux: straight/hypersexual, possibly mono?
BC: our son, 5 years
CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
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  #5  
Old 03-23-2013, 01:29 PM
dryad dryad is offline
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I don't think he'd go for that - meeting Liam. He doesn't want to see him. He sees him as "the other man" even though it isn't that black and white. I will try and educate him but he's putting barriers up What do you mean by "Km's their paramours"?
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:33 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Sorry that was auto correct. "Know"

Sometimes subtlety wins in the game of curiosity. I left a book in our bathroom magazine holder. He eventually got curious enough to read some of it.
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Me: bi, reformed wild-child turned mom and house maid LOL
Crux: straight/hypersexual, possibly mono?
BC: our son, 5 years
CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
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  #7  
Old 03-25-2013, 02:17 AM
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PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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You probably feel a lot of guilt for your husband being as distraught as he is. I unfortunately can emphathize with that feeling quite a bit too. He definitely is having some reactions of, "why am I not enough by myself?" Even though you may not see it that way, it's a form of rejection to him. I'm not sure of the types of conversations you two have had, but explaining to him that your love is not diminished by the presence of a new love might be a good place to start. It bears repeating even if he's already heard it, as it sounds like he is feeling pretty insecure.

It also sounds like both of you have some work to do on being honest with yourselves and your communication. He wasn't honest about the Ben character until later and probably did some damage there. You responded by trying to be monogamous. The intentions were good, but I'm not sure if you were being honest with yourself, as your current situation demonstrates. You and your husband definitely care about each other and want to adjust to each other, but you both are struggling to do so. This makes for a pretty sticky situation, and I don't know honestly if there is going to be a very simple answer.

I think there is a possibility, if you both commit to working really hard on your communication, that you guys can find an acceptable medium. The resolution may not be that great for either of you, but you two will have to decide if the resolution's acceptable enough to continue with the marriage. If meeting in the middle is not enough, then maybe things will come to a head. Still, I would try to work on it a bit more by communicating a lot. You only told your husband recently, so I would allow some time for the idea to sink in before trying anything with Liam. I learned the hard way I should have allowed my husband more time to absorb the situation before jumping in with a new relationship, so I implore you to hold off for now. Work on making a stronger base to launch off on; I guarantee the ride will be all the better for it.
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