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  #1  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:45 PM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Default compromise ideas needed

we are getting married and have a young daughter. my partner wants to continue seeing new partner and I want to defer poly for a while how can we compromise?
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  #2  
Old 11-23-2010, 01:25 AM
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Penny Penny is offline
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Well, to answer that we need to know what agreements did you have in place when he began the new relationship, and what justification do you have for changing the rules? When did he start the relationship in relation to the decision to get married? What's changed since he started seeing this other person?

Keep in mind that when he started seeing the other person, there were rules and expectations in place. Changing those is potentially unfair not only to him, but to his partner, who is likely an innocent bystander in this.
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Old 11-23-2010, 06:38 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I am not a fan of compromise as it indicates to me that getting to the bottom of an issue has not happened yet and that boundaries are precariously placed still. Usually a compromise is made as a temporary measure in order to preserve a moment where everything is up in the air.... for me it's about boundary setting...

Can they cut back in order to enjoy your new married life? Can you give a bit on the all or nothing bit and allow some time for them to be together? These are the questions that need to be asked I think...

I think I would be remembering that this isn't my life and my life only, you are part of three peoples lives, yours, your partners and their partners. That is possibly four or five different relationships to take care of. Who are you to make the be decisions on those? Where is the consideration, compassion, and respect? They are not getting married, you are to your partner... that is a totally different relationship to that that involves you. It needs to be respected as such I think.
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  #4  
Old 11-23-2010, 08:13 AM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Default compromise

well she asked me if we could try poly and I agreed but I also said I didn't think it was the right time as we have 19month old. I notice none of the replies to my post mention our child. we decided to get married after poly came into our lives. I feel that other relationship is interfering with our family as we try to become good parents and work on our own relationship issues which I feel brought poly into our life in the first place
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:38 AM
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As I've seen people say many times [and I agree with them], you should have sorted out relationship problems before you ever considered poly. But seeing as it has already happened, I feel it is unfair on his other partner to be brought into all that now. You and your partner should talk about your probems and try to solve exactly what is wrong WITHOUT harming the relationship between him and his other partner.
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Old 11-23-2010, 10:40 AM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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I agree with Somegeezer. There is already another person (and another person's heart) involved, and it deserves as much respect as your heart or your partner's heart. What exactly are you worried about with regard to your upcoming wedding and to the welfare of your young child? I can assure you that polyamory, when it's healthy and respectful, is not harmful to children.
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Old 01-30-2011, 11:07 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
well she asked me if we could try poly and I agreed but I also said I didn't think it was the right time as we have 19month old. I notice none of the replies to my post mention our child. we decided to get married after poly came into our lives. I feel that other relationship is interfering with our family as we try to become good parents and work on our own relationship issues which I feel brought poly into our life in the first place
Well, the replies haven't mentioned your child for a reason. A child realy isn't a reason to end a poly arrangement--lots of poly folks have children and it doesn't have much to do with whether or not the adults get, or stay, involved in a poly tangle. There's nothing about having a toddler that makes poly untenable.

That sounds to me like nothing other than a rationalization to avoid dealing with an actual issue. Here's the thing: dealing with issues is much better for any sort of relationship than avoiding issues. So, I'll recommend sorting out what the actuall issues are and dealing with those instead of scrambling to find excuses to rationalize motives and avoid settling issues.
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  #8  
Old 01-31-2011, 08:09 AM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Default New year

Hi Polyaine, welcome to the forum my love and thanks for posting and reading this discussion .

Yes everyone Polyaine and I did get married in December and we are still working on finding a way to make poly work in our relationship. I know a lot of my concerns are my own family of origin stuff but we all have baggage coming into relationships. How parents are emotionally makes a big impression on young children and this is important consideration for anyone planning to become poly. Poly has been a journey for the two of us and although it is painful at times it is also teaching us a lot about each other, about being a family, about being parents and also about life in general. One thing we have learned is that I find change challenging while Polyaine thrives on it and we have also discovered that we have different ideas about what polyamory means to us. I like the idea of it being about community and tribes while Polyaine likes having seperate relationships.

Hopefully we can learn from those who have already traveled this path and add our own experiences to the forum as our relationship evolves.
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  #9  
Old 01-30-2011, 10:57 PM
Polyaine Polyaine is offline
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Wow, I read this thread with my heart in my mouth. I am Nightwalker's then gf now wife. I found reading the responses to Nightwalker's post extremely powerful. All of Nightwalker's concerns and issues were discussed openly with me even as he was posting them here and we have tried our best to address them all. It has been a very challenging first year being poly. Thank you to all who posted. Nightwalker was having a really tough time in November and I am really glad that he found a place to ask his questions. Our poly community is really small and very changeable. For reasons better not mentioned Nightwalker could not express his difficulties in our local poly group, glad he found the forum.
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