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  #1  
Old 03-17-2013, 05:08 AM
hersforever hersforever is offline
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Default There's a lot of "new" about this for me!

Hi all. I am a 30 year old man, married for 11 years and just in the past few weeks we have brought in my wife's girlfriend to become our girlfriend -- a step that scared me no small amount. In part because my wife (BSP83) and I have shared in a Wife-Led Marriage for the past five years (mostly... lot of long stories about that!). So as we work on bringing our girlfriend into our relationship in general, we are also working on figuring out how to bring S (our girlfriend) into the WLM side of things at the same time.

I joined because my wife has been incredibly interested in the goings-on here and encouraged me to read as much as I could about relationships that worked and that didn't work so well, so that we might learn from others' histories and make this new bond as strong as the one that she and I have shared for the past 11 years.

We have 3 kids and our girlfriend has 2, they add an interesting challenge to the dynamic but we're definitely up for the challenge!

Last edited by hersforever; 03-17-2013 at 05:11 AM. Reason: Saved post before done writing.
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  #2  
Old 03-17-2013, 02:18 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome,

Whats a wife led marriage ?

Did she encourage you to read prior to the change in relationship dynamic or after ? Read this to see what we can look forward to and then we can make a decision or read this to help you deal ?
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  #3  
Old 03-17-2013, 02:25 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Dinged heart wants you to know that this could have a major impact on the children, especially your girlfriend's children as she is the one who is going through an "awakening". If you require more details about this, dinged heart will be glad to explain it to you because no one else on this forum cares about how poly can affect (not "effect") children.

I wanted to get this in here early on in the thread so we don't have to spend 3 1/2 hours searching for it later.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 03-17-2013 at 02:28 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-17-2013, 02:45 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hello and Welcome to the Forum!

I did have to look up WLM when I read your wife's post. (Although outsiders frequently ask me if I "wear the pants" in the family - as though there can only be one pair of pants - this was unfamiliar to me.)

Attempting to transition a Vee into a Triad is often an exciting but VERY challenging endeavor. Lots of communication and baby steps would seem to be in order. (I can't comment on how the D/S/s dynamic will come into play - I don't have any experience in that - but there are plenty of people here that do).

Just a few questions (which you don't have to answer if you don't want to):

How long has your girlfriend been your wife's girlfriend prior to becoming a shared girlfriend?

In your new dynamic are you and the girlfriend allowed/encouraged to develop your own relationship/have sex independent of your wife? (I bring this up because we often see issues when people are creating a triad when the newest person is only supposed to be with the original couple "all three together".)

How old are the kids?

JaneQ

PS. if DH and BGs exchange seems a little cryptic to you - they are engaged in a conversation in another thread about how the forum discusses the topic of poly and children with newcomers
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 03-17-2013, 03:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Hersforever,

I'm curious - does S want to be in a female led relationship with your wife? Is your wife already her Domme? Is a female led relationship with a same sex couple different from a D/s dynamic in a same sex couple?

I have come across female led relationships before but always with a bi or straight woman with a heterosexual submissive man. And I have interacted with same sex folks in a D/s dynamic. But not with folks integrating a female led marriage into a triad. So I am fascinated with your journey.

Last edited by opalescent; 03-17-2013 at 03:48 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-17-2013, 04:42 PM
hersforever hersforever is offline
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I'll try not to make a novel of this, but the answers to your questions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart
Whats a wife led marriage ?
The short version is, I submit to my wife. Not directly in a BDSM context although there is that too, occasionally. Mostly I ask her to expect more of me/my attention/my time and in return I get her indulgence in many of my fetishes that are not scene-specific such as orgasm denial and chastity play.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart
Did she encourage you to read prior to the change in relationship dynamic or after ?
She encouraged me to join this forum/read after the change, mostly because she joined after the change. The change was very organic, although it's taken several years to get to this point, and once we decided to go for it she has been trying to learn as much as she can and encouraged both S and I to do the same.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy
Dinged heart wants you to know that this could have a major impact on the children, especially your girlfriend's children as she is the one who is going through an "awakening".
We don't underestimate the impact this will have on all of our children. For now, they don't know or don't need to know anything about our relationship. Most of the physical side of things happens when S's ex husband has the children, although my wife is much more free to see S when her children are there because they know her as S's friend and have for a long time. In time we will probably let them in on things, a little at a time, to show them that not every relationship is as they are told it "should" be - we very much want all of our children to be comfortable with "alternative" lifestyles -- whatever their particular choices may be. But with S being recently divorced, the fewer shocks at once we put her children through the better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
How long has your girlfriend been your wife's girlfriend prior to becoming a shared girlfriend?
The story of our relationship with S is a long one. The abbreviated version of it is this: Three years ago (and fairly close to exactly three years ago, come to think of it), my wife and S found the joy and intimacy of each other in a casino hotel room. My wife was nervous to share this with me but given the nature of our WLM and my slowly growing openness to sexuality of all kinds I was happy for her. She still brought some of that NRE back to me and I quite enjoyed it. Their relationship blossomed over several months time and, eventually, even included me. I attempted to keep my involvement purely physical with S, but emotions formed all the same (in part because of her marriage being what it was). She and I didn't pursue individual relationships however -- we were very much a Vee.

That summer, due to numerous issues piling on top of each other all three of us had a particularly rough night and it ended very negatively, with long-lasting consequences including my wife and S stopping their relationship entirely, S certain that I hated her and nearly a year before I realized that I needed help, as well as my wife and I needed help communicating. As we rebuilt our relationship (sans-WLM for a while), things got better.

Jump forward to last Halloween -- my wife went to a party, knowing that S would be there, determined to make S notice her (my wife rarely dresses for Halloween, she went last year as a damn hot Snow White!) and notice she did! The started talking, then talked a lot, and finally opened up to each other that their feelings hadn't faded over nearly 3 years. So they decided to re-establish their relationship.

In between then and now, S got divorced and my wife wanted to be sure I was okay with the Vee relationship and that S and I could be friends at the least. Friends we were until about 3 weeks ago, when S decided that she wanted me to be involved at least physically, and then around a week and a half ago (it seems like so much has happened in that time!) we decided to give S and I a chance to be lovers emotionally as well.

To sum up: My wife and S were girlfriends for about 3 years before S became my girlfriend. But if you don't consider the break in the middle, it has been about 5 months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
In your new dynamic are you and the girlfriend allowed/encouraged to develop your own relationship/have sex independent of your wife?
Yes. S and I are very much encouraged to have a relationship independent of my wife, as I also encouraged the two of them to build a relationship. Our first date was exciting and strange (it had been nearly 12 years since my last first date!) but easy all the same and the emotions formed three years ago come back very easily to us both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
How old are the kids?
My wife's and mine are 10(m), 6(f) and 3(f) while S's are 8(m) and 4(f).

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent
I'm curious - does S want to be in a female led relationship with your wife? Is your wife already her Domme? Is a female led relationship with a same sex couple different from a D/s dynamic in a same sex couple?
So far as I understand it, the relationship between the two of them is very much of equals. There is no overt D/s dynamic between the two of them when they are alone together. So I'm afraid I can't answer with direct experience how the D/s dynamic applies differently to a same-sex couple than to a hetero couple. Bringing S in to the FLR dynamic is still very much being worked out, but it is a relationship that I originally asked my wife for and I asked to bring S into that aspect as well. I imagine myself in service to them both, although given past experience and what I know about her S seems to be a switch, which means that my wife or I may top S from time to time.

How this all works out remains to be seen, but it is incredibly exciting and energizing right now!
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  #7  
Old 03-17-2013, 05:42 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Bg.....you're really funny when hung over . I little hair of the dog perhaps ?

I appreciate you getting that out there early ....thanks for looking out for me.
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  #8  
Old 03-18-2013, 10:10 PM
BSP83 BSP83 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
In your new dynamic are you and the girlfriend allowed/encouraged to develop your own relationship/have sex independent of your wife? (I bring this up because we often see issues when people are creating a triad when the newest person is only supposed to be with the original couple "all three together".)
I know P already answered this, but I wanted to address it as well. The fact is, I'm excited and happy to see this relationship between P and S. I'm excited about where it will lead, and I'm very encouraging. That's not to say it's not difficult...I was a nervous wreck when they went on their first date, but it was more because I wanted it to go well than anything else. Surprisingly to me, the first time they had sex alone, I was good with it. Not just okay, but good. The only jealousy I had came from wanting to be with them, having a good time and not watching the kids! lol

I would never expect us to work without having all 4 relationships, unless we were a Vee, and I understand that is different. Thank you for your welcome and your questions and support. We look forward to sharing our journey with you all.
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B-That's me! About to turn 30, mom to 3 brats, married to P for 11 years and dating S.

P-my husband

S-my/our girlfriend
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  #9  
Old 03-18-2013, 11:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello hersforever and BSP83,

Welcome to the both of you (and to S for that matter!). I didn't have a lot to add, just wanted to say that it is interesting to hear more of your story. As for what BoringGuy meant by "awakening," I vaguely remember the thread that came from, but I forgot the details. BoringGuy and dingedheart can explain it, I'm sure! Actually the whole thing about that is rather tongue-in-cheek, so I don't think you need to worry too much about it.

Sounds like you guys have a lot to figure out, but are approaching it with consideration to everyone's consent and needs. I'm glad to have you aboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #10  
Old 03-18-2013, 10:04 PM
BSP83 BSP83 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Dinged heart wants you to know that this could have a major impact on the children, especially your girlfriend's children as she is the one who is going through an "awakening". If you require more details about this, dinged heart will be glad to explain it to you because no one else on this forum cares about how poly can affect (not "effect") children.

I wanted to get this in here early on in the thread so we don't have to spend 3 1/2 hours searching for it later.
Thank you both for your concern...you can trust that we have thought A LOT about how it might impact the children. They all know nothing except that S is my best friend and I'm hers. We are all waking a very fine line in front of and around the kids for now, because it's best for them at this point in time.

I'm confused by what you mean about S being the one going through an "awakening". Please explain. Thanks!
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B-That's me! About to turn 30, mom to 3 brats, married to P for 11 years and dating S.

P-my husband

S-my/our girlfriend
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