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Old 11-22-2010, 02:24 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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Default A new poly life and other stuff :)

So I've decided to start a blog here. I've kind of been wanting a place I could blog and be more open about things for a while now - not just about poly, but about life in general. Most of my family wouldn't exactly approve of a lot of things I think / believe, I don't have a lot of friends at the moment, facebook needs kept clean, and it seems pointless to write a blog that doesn't get posted, so... This seems like the best place to put my thoughts.

A bit of a note on names: in my first post, I started by referring to everybody as letters - A, B, C, and D - to keep everything totally anonymous. That was hard to read, so I changed them to names - Adam, Beth, Caleb, and Dakota. But I was in a hurry, and so I didn't put much thought into those names. The thing is, the name Dakota doesn't really "fit" me at all, and the name Adam doesn't "fit" my husband at all. So since I've been pretty well hooked on this forum, I've decided to change the names I use to Keira (instead of Dakota) for myself and Mal (instead of Adam) for my husband. Very sorry if that gets anyone confused, I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping the names for very long.

My journey into poly started this last September, and you can read about that here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3831 and here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4215 Suffice it to say, that didn't work out but it did show myself and Mal that we are poly. We both have needs that the other person can't meet, and we don't see any reason why we should be against a third person in our relationship (or someone for each of us). We prefer a triad, but I've read enough on the forums to know that holding out for a person who happens to fall in love with both of us is very unrealistic. If it happens, great, but I'm not going to pass up another possibility just because the person only has romantic interest in either Mal or myself.

I've been moving on and focusing on school, lately, but it's hard. I've always had an issue with procrastinating if I feel I can't succeed - i.e., if I think I'm going to bomb an exam, it turns into a huge struggle to sit down and study for it. My GPA before this semester was about a 3.85, so generally my fears were unfounded. Now I'm having a semester with 3 major classes where I'm almost certainly going to get all C's, and studying has turned in to "bash your head into the concrete wall and hope water comes out." It's mostly mental, I know, and if I can just get past that things will be a lot easier, but for whatever reason knowing I might fail (um - well - get less than an A) and then doing my best anyways is really really hard for me.

I've also decided that I want to join OK Cupid, if only just to chat with people and get my feet wet, so to speak. I'm a little torn about starting any relationships here and now. In about 2.5 years, we'll be moving on to who-knows-where for graduate school. And the sort of relationship I want is long term. So I'd hate to start something and get really invested in someone just to have to move on in a year or two. But at the same time, there's the chance it could work out - depending on the person's situation and how close (relationship-wise) we were to get, the person could move with us. There's also the (fairly good) chance I might go to grad school fairly close (about 2 hrs away), in which case a small move or even a minor LDR could work. And a really slim chance that I won't go to grad school at all. So I don't think it's worth closing off any chance of a relationship for the next couple of years, it's just scary to think about starting something that might have to be cut off for purely geographical reasons. I am going to wait till after finals are over to sign up, though, so I don't have an extra place to procrastinate at instead of study.

I'm also worrying about Mal, a bit... He has a hard time feeling and expressing his emotions, and it's bothering him a lot, especially with all of the stress we've been through lately. (There's the stuff that happened with Beth and Caleb, plus he's been through a bunch of other unrelated family and school issues this semester.) He's thinking of maybe considering seeing a therapist / psychologist, but he's also planning on going in to a career where any record of mental illness could bar him from every getting a job, so he's frightened of what could happen if he did open himself up to someone. He's not the sort to just open up anyways. Plus, there's the cost - we're college students living on scholarships and loans, and because of the career issues (and general incompetence of people who work at his school) he doesn't really want to go to one of the college counselors... I'm starting to think it might do him a lot of good, but even so I'm not sure I can convince Mal to go. It might end up having to wait till I go to grad school and we have more of an income. Just something on my mind.

Comments welcome

Keira Raven
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:55 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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For some reason, I'm feeling very much like I'm longing badly for something tonight - I'm just not sure what it is. More friends (feeling pretty lonely without a friend group), more time with Mal, more time to myself (we're both really busy right now), another partner, maybe it's just that I'm horny, I don't know. It just kind of sucks...
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(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:42 AM
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Until I read "horny" I was thinking about the human affliction of gravitating towards things that interest us and are interested in us, and the need for events that support and affirm us.

Now that you've tossed sex into the pile, I'm still thinking in that general direction. Except now that poor lonely couple staring up at the same moon is stark naked. Mwehehehehe.

You seem to be coping well with all the stress, even with challenges abound. I think my partner worries about me in a similar way that you do about Mal though. . . have you tried getting him to open up here? Or perhaps somewhere else online? The internet is surprisingly anonymous when you stop using your tax returns as your signature on forums because you want everyone to know that you came this close to getting a pool, except her bills were almost past due and I really wanted to keep our credit looking good so we could spring for that corolla LE next year.

Err, yeah. Even a close friend could help open his world up. I talk to my Dad when I feel confined and need advice (he's like a bottle of ripened Jewish wisdom).
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Old 11-23-2010, 05:18 PM
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lol Company, that was a funny mental picture

I ended up just talking with Mal for a couple hours last night (and then relieving some other tensions... ) and all in all felt a lot better. I definitely agree that I'm craving other human interaction, too. I *know* a lot of people at school, but generally it's more of a business-like interaction. Working on the more friends bit. I missed the last couple meetings of the club I've joined here, and this week it won't meet because of Thanksgiving, but maybe next week? There's one girl there I might love to have as a friend, I should ask her if we can meet for coffee to talk about something... This board is great for brainstorming lol.

Mal's not very confident in his writing skills, so he's unlikely to get involved online. I'm encouraging him to try to meet people, but it's something that doesn't come naturally for me and even less so for him. He's trying, but I think it's going to take time. Like almost everything worth waiting for, I guess.

I did end up signing up for OK Cupid last night... Had some fun putzing around, may get up the courage to message someone later tonight (a poly woman in our area looking for a unicorn as well - I'm not interested in being a unicorn for a couple, but I'm interested in becoming friends). Also made an agreement with Mal that I won't log on to OK Cupid more than three days a week. I have a tendency to obsess over things, and I think he's right that at this point in our lives, obsessing over a dating website would be bad (definitely for my grades, potentially for my mental health).
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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Old 11-23-2010, 06:22 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven View Post
Mal's not very confident in his writing skills, so he's unlikely to get involved online.
Write it in WORD first, then cut and paste to post. Works great for spell checking and grammer errors .
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Old 11-23-2010, 06:49 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Unfortunately, Mal's writing skills are beyond MS word - it generally cannot decipher what he writes whatsoever lol. I love him, but his spelling's atrocious.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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Old 11-29-2010, 02:02 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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I'm just now popping in on your first entry. I have yet to visit the links you provided but will when I have more time.

I really enjoy OKcupid. I've been a member since, I want to say, late December 2009 or January 2010. I originally joined it solely for the questions and quizzes since I really enjoy those sorts of things. Then I realized how much I liked their journal set-up. The people came last. I, however, have met a few interesting people on the site, met my current partners on their before the summer, and am currently speaking with a couple of potentials (one of which I have been chatting up since August and one brand new one). I, especially, love the site now that they have added the Explanation field to the questions. Sometimes, yes, no, or maybe just doesn't do it.

I think I am similar to you with the procrastination thing. I have been working on my last six classes towards my B.A. in Accounting but have been discouraged due to my lapse in taking classes and how difficult those last few classes have been.

Regarding counseling for Mal, you should look into sliding scale counseling centers in your area. I'm sure there has to be one or two available to you.

Hmm...I guess a good question would be..how does Mal define 'fair' regarding the additional partner (female in this case). I mean, a defunct triad can still be a great vee with one strong romantic relationship and one strong loving but platonic relationship. I do agree that there should be more discussion regarding the relevance of the gender of the partner since either can give cause for worry but, being that you are bicurious and not pansexual or even bisexual, I can see how he would have greater concern regarding a male partner.

Yay, biology! ... Not. :P
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Old 12-02-2010, 02:21 AM
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I think you may be putting too much thought on the what-ifs. You might be happier working with one hand, since one or both may be empty at this point. What's always worked for me, when I can maintain the position (which isn't always easy), is 'going with the flow'. If a female partner feels right, work with that. When you feel like you want a male partner would be the time to talk about that. If Mal is already struggling, talking about what may not come to pass could just aggravate his situation more.

That doesn't mean it's wrong for you to worry-- the situation does sound sexist, he clearly has some baggage that you want him to get rid of. But is now the time? You may find a better opportunity to have him work on it ahead. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure the conflict wouldn't just be another distraction?

Also, were you enjoying your school group? If you were able to attend the meetings more regularly, would that fulfill you as much as other pursuits you could engage in?
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Old 12-02-2010, 04:15 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
I really enjoy OKcupid.... I, especially, love the site now that they have added the Explanation field to the questions. Sometimes, yes, no, or maybe just doesn't do it.
I'm liking OK Cupid quite a lot, although I've had mixed success so far - chatted with one person, messaging a poly person (just as potential friends), gave up on chatting with a third person because she never messaged back. Last couple times I was on, no one else was, so I didn't get to chat with anyone... I may just have to get over my shyness and actually message people instead of just chat. I, also, love the explanation field! It really helps, especially with the complex questions, to give a real snapshot of the person's viewpoint. Sometimes the actual answer can be misleading from the person's opinion.

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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
I think I am similar to you with the procrastination thing.
I think fighting procrastination is a life-long battle... I'm in my 5th year of college, and I've determined that I have become an expert at cramming for assignments and exams, mostly because of all the practice lol. This semester has been really crazy for me, so I'm not getting the results I usually get; but as long as I can pass all my classes, I'm really hoping to graduate in two more semesters. Then I'll get a "break" in the working world for three semesters before going on to grad school. I'm not sure how much I'll be willing to go back to the 60-hr weeks of studying after a nice 9-to-5 job - time will tell.

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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
Regarding counseling for Mal, you should look into sliding scale counseling centers in your area.
I'm not sure - I know there are two hospitals in the area that offer counseling etc, we may eventually look in to that and see what kind of payment options they offer. We've been talking, and he has some kind-of-related results from a school test coming back later this week; we'll probably make more of a decision after that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
Hmm...I guess a good question would be..how does Mal define 'fair' regarding the additional partner (female in this case).
I think from what he said that he would want both of us to be at least romantically involved, even if not at the same pace / intensity. It's a good question to ask.

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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
being that you are bicurious and not pansexual or even bisexual, I can see how he would have greater concern regarding a male partner.
That's a good point - I hadn't really thought of that in relation to Mal's objection to a male partner. I'm pretty sure that I would enjoy having a female partner, but I can't actually KNOW that until I have experience with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
Yay, biology! ... Not. :P
I actually love biology lol I just hate deadlines and exams It would be awesome if I could just geek out all day with no consequences on whether or not I write things up in time or remember details, but unfortunately grades don't work that way lol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Company View Post
I think you may be putting too much thought on the what-ifs.... When you feel like you want a male partner would be the time to talk about that. If Mal is already struggling, talking about what may not come to pass could just aggravate his situation more.
Some agreement and some disagreement here. I do have a tendency to not let go of things - I tend to grab on to an issue and then go over and over and over it until it's resolved. Mal likes resolving things too, but he has a more gradual approach; with him, things work best if we work on an issue for a little bit, then let it drop for a while before picking it up again. It's always good for me to be reminded to not beat something to death before he has a chance to ruminate lol

What we've done with discussion so far is that I've talked to him off and on about it for a couple days, and then I dropped the issue, probably for the next few months. I'll probably start thinking about it again at some point in the future and bring it back up, then repeat process until we're at a point where we really agree. Actually, most of my posting here was after our discussion - writing things down helps me let go of them lol.

That said... I think I should deal with this issue now (i.e. keep talking about it occasionally), as opposed to some point in the future when I think I want a second male partner. A couple reasons. First, I think Mal has enough of an emotional objection to the idea of me with a male partner that if I was discussing this in the context of, "Hey, I really want a male partner," as vs. "I'd like the option to be available if I ever do feel that I want a male partner," the discussion would be a lot more difficult for him. Second, I can see the possibility of me partially jumping the gun if I just waited - and I think this discussion would explode if it was in the context of "Hey, I want X to be my second male partner, let's talk about that."

At the very least, if we keep talking about it on occasion, I know how he's feeling and what the consequences for both of us are likely to be if I did end up with feelings for a second guy. Right now, he's been through a ton of stress in the last few months, and I think he'd fall apart if I told him that I had feelings for another guy. I might not have known that if I hadn't been discussing it with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Company View Post
Also, were you enjoying your school group? If you were able to attend the meetings more regularly, would that fulfill you as much as other pursuits you could engage in?
I was really enjoying the school group. It's a "freethinkers" club - we basically got together once a week and talked about a different subject, discussing different ideas, definitions, opinions, interpretations, evidence, etc. I really love those kinds of discussions, and there were several people there that I think I could become better friends with.

I'm not sure what you mean by fulfilling me as much as other pursuits... I don't really have any other social pursuits right now, with the exception of OK Cupid, and that's not really a major pursuit right now. I'd like to look around for other groups as well (my mom suggested a book club recently, I might look at that); but everything is kind of on hold until after finals / holidays. School etc is very fulfilling for me, but I've definitely realized that I need social interaction as well.

Thanks again for the comments
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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Old 12-03-2010, 03:14 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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Just venting really... Recap: on Halloween, Mal and I told Beth and Caleb that we needed a month to have a break, to get ourselves back together and get some space etc, before trying to be friends again. (More backstory is in the links I put up in the first post.) We also told them that, since we'd been initiating a lot of the "trying to be friends," we were going to wait for them to make contact. Over this month, Mal and I have decided that we aren't going to try to be friends. It's really difficult for me - I love Beth, I still have feelings for Beth, but I can't let my life descend into chaos and pain because someone I care about won't make the life choices that they need to make to be safe and happy. I'm absolutely convinced from what we heard and saw during September / October that Caleb will hurt someone again, probably seriously. Beth agrees, she's said so to my face; but she continues to stay with him and support him, and if she's around him or with him everything she says is twisted to keep him happy.

I hate this. I am convinced that Beth has a mentally / emotionally abusive relationship with Caleb. I wanted - want - to help her get out of it. But every time we've tried, she turns around and hurts us and pushes us away. It's even more frustrating that she's the one that initiates "getting away from Caleb"; we never gave her ultimatums, never told her what to do, just supported her when she wanted to leave, and we're the ones that get slammed.

This is the second day since the month is over. We haven't heard from Beth or Caleb yet - not sure if we will. They're still on our fb friends. Beth's on facebook right now, and part of me wants so desperately to message her, to see if she's all right, to try to make up. But I tried that already, multiple times, and she'd make up just to make a complete 180 hours later. I can't do that. It's partly why we decided we needed a break. I need to know that my relationships, even just casual friendships, aren't going to be arbitrarily cut off and then put back together every week or two.

I've read a bit on helping people with abusive relationships, and most of it just comes down to being supportive while not putting yourself in harm's way. In some ways I feel like a selfish coward - couldn't I just put up with a bit of mind games to help someone I really care about? But the thinking part of me knows I can't do this. I'm almost failing multiple classes. I NEVER fail classes - the lowest grade I've EVER received before this semester was a B+, and I'm in my 5th year of college. The drama with Beth and Caleb really messed me up this semester. I love her, I want to make life wonderful and sweet for her, but I have to let her go, or I'm going to self-destruct along with her.

Sorry for the rant. Feeling rather emotional right now... I think it'll be a long while before I'm really "over" Beth.
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(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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