Help to better support my spouse

[Squashking]

Newbie to this forum and a newbie to the poly world . I am a male and part of a quad. I have been married for almost 20 years now... we are very close, very happy. A year ago my wife and I got into full swapping with another couple whom we have been very close friends with for many years. Until then both couples were completely monogamous and no one had any experience doing this in the past. Needless to say we were all pretty shocked, scared, and excited when it happened. Imagine 4 newbies trying to figure out this stuff at the same time with raging NRE! Since then lots of amazing highs and some horrible lows. With every challenge the relationship actually grew much deeper. In fact only a month ago we learned what polyamory actually was, here I thought we were all screwed up. I love this forum... it has taught me a great deal but most importantly to embrace this lifestyle and not hide from it.

I have personally come a long way and feel that I have beaten my own issues of jealousy, fear and insecurities. Pretty much nothing bothers me any longer at least so far...

My wife on the other hand is having a tough time. There is no question that she fully enjoys the benefits of that this special relationship provides, she is the first one to jump into bed :-). For the most part its has enhanced our marriage due to simple over-communication. But sometimes she worries that she will lose me or we will grow apart, which leads to other insecurities. These feelings snowball at times. I am working really hard to reassure her but that doesn't seem to be enough. She knows she is not trapped into this. Any suggestions on how best to help her? Perhaps time? Perhaps we slow things down?

Thanks in advance for your help.

[AnnabelMore]

I don't have specific advice, but the resources on jealousy at this site are particularly good: www.morethantwo.com

[BaggagePatrol]

I would suggest two things. The first would be to ask your wife to think about what she needs from you to feel safe, happy and secure; she is the person that holds the vast majority of the answers to the questions that you ask. My next suggestion would be that it's really, really, really important to invest in your relationship with her and create a sense of oneness with her; dates, romance, flowers, letters, cards, massages, a special dinner, a nice bottle of wine, a gift certificate to a spa - romance and messages of love and desire for her.

Ask her what she needs, and romance her socks off. Those are my only two pieces of advice.

[Squashking]

Wonderful advice! I have being doing a few of those suggestions ideas already but clearly there is room for improvement!

[GalaGirl]

But sometimes she worries that she will lose me or we will grow apart, which leads to other insecurities. These feelings snowball at times. I am working really hard to reassure her but that doesn't seem to be enough. She knows she is not trapped into this. Any suggestions on how best to help her? Perhaps time? Perhaps we slow things down?

Remember you have lost something. Even if things are going great, you have lost it "being just the two of you."

She could have stepped in at stage 4 in the stages of grief and need support through it. There was a similar thread recently here.

If her jealous is coming out of "fear of abandonment" or "fear we will be losing touch"... could perhaps read this together and talk about doing more page 5 and page 6 things in addition to what the previous posters suggested.

HTH!
GG

[Squashking]

GalaGirl... thanks very much for this. This is really good stuff.

I believe that you are absolutely right, she does feel that she has lost something. Some days are great and some days she gets "concerned". I am trying to sort out my reactions to it as well. I have learned the hard way that an annoyed response to this is totally counter productive ;-).

I have most certainly upped the ante with putting far more effort into our relationship and so has she... results have been great. The one absolute gift to a poly relationship is the deeper connection I now have with my spouse.

Thanks again everyone! This forum rocks.