Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-12-2013, 03:08 AM
bennie bennie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 6
Angry How do you not feel replaced

I know there's no one like me. She knows there's no one like me. 5 years of marriage, and the whole time a dysfunctional sex life because of my PE. Been in therapy, starting again with a new one, but now it's in the context of her actively seeking other partners, and wanting our sexual relationship on hold. She identifies poly, and this would come up whether or not we had a healthy sex life together. But as we don't, I can't shake the feelings of plain old inadequacy, both with her, or in contemplating pursuing other relationships for myself.

I'm scared that I won't be able to digest this. I feel like opening our relationship is something I _could_ do, but at this point don't feel strong enough either with us, or with myself to do it.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-12-2013, 03:20 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,710
Default

How about instead of fearing feeling replaced, you spend energy cultivating the opposite? Do behaviors that you need to do in order to feel intimate, loving, close? You have a condition to deal with (PE) but does that mean you cannot share loving gestures? Loving talk? Loving feelings?

Could focus on what you want rather than what you do not want.

You could also say to your partner...
"Hon, I feel like opening our relationship is something I _could_ do, but at this point don't feel strong enough either with us, or with myself to do it. Could we discuss how to solve these other issues first?

I'm scared that I won't be able to digest feeling of inadequacy, both with you, or in contemplating pursuing other relationships for myself.

I need support in this area from you. I would like you to__(what?__
  • Read things online with me?
  • Reassure me?
  • Create agreements and boundaries we both can feel good about?
  • How we plan to handle conflict resolution when unforseen happens?

Could you be willing to help me in that way? For the next (Month? Three mos? Longer?) before we revisit the question if we are on better footing now to Open Strong and not Open Wonky?
You guys could read "Are You In Poly Hell?" together and talk about dealing with feeling displaced, demoted, intruded upon, etc.

You guys could read about jealousy:

Making Peace with Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships (esp page 5 and 6 things)
Unmasking the Green Eyed Monster

Here's more to read:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

Could demystify it so the fear lessens by learning more and forming how YOUR agreements would be like and what open model you are seeking together.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-12-2013 at 03:33 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-12-2013, 03:43 AM
bennie bennie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 6
Default

Thank you Galagirl. Your responses are always treasures.

Something I sort of left out above is the order of things. We began talking and considering opening a year ago. At that time, and until recently, there was no talk of putting us on hold. It's like she's just run out of desire for me, and is looking to fill it back up, while trying to reassure me that "we" won't be lost in the process. But the dwindling of us, and her distancing, is the exact opposite of reassuring.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-12-2013, 03:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,710
Default

Have you told her all that? In that way?

That "The dwindling of us, and your distancing behaviors such as (list), is the exact opposite of reassuring. Could you be willing to reassure me?"

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-12-2013 at 04:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-12-2013, 03:58 AM
bennie bennie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 6
Default

I'm really not sure.. So much has been said. But something close. She'll correct me if I haven't.

And by dwindling, I do mean specifically our sexual life. Our friendship is strong. Our lives are stable/stablizing. But I have a messy inner house, and my sexual being likes painting with loud colors on my emotional walls. Getting those problems to pipe down enough to enjoy the rest of the place is.. challenging.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-12-2013, 07:51 PM
doxyflower doxyflower is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 6
Default Wifey chiming in...

It isnt that I have run out of desire...just that our sexual dynamic has become so painful for both of us I have felt that to perhaps put it on hold and get it healthy again while we work through these other things might be best. That said I DO understand that without ANY physical intimacy between us his feelings of rejection seem even greater than before. I want to support him working through this fear. I feel like I need to be careful though due to some codependence issues in our marriage. I want to make healthy choices and not step into "caretaker mode." I am trying to learn how to be loving and supportive and cope with his tendency towards emotional drowning. It breaks my heart to see him hurting...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:43 PM.