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Old 03-11-2013, 04:58 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default This question is for both primaries and Secondary’s...

At what point do the needs of the secondaries start mattering in the relationship – if ever?

This is short I know but really important to me - After 3 years in a "V" starting to wonder if they ever will

Last edited by westVan; 03-11-2013 at 05:04 PM.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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At what point do the needs of the secondaries start mattering in the relationship – if ever?
Right from the beginning.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:06 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Right from the beginning.
Seconded.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:12 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Thank you for your response but that has not been my experience
Do primaries always have the “veto power”, dictate how and when dates are, can call and request updates while the date is in progress, say no sleep over’s (when she goes away with her BF for 3-4 days a month), has the rule that I send her thank-you e-mails every time I do have a date with her husband?
What is the experience of other secondary’s?
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:14 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westVan View Post
Thank you for your response but that has not been my experience
Do primaries always have the “veto power”, dictate how and when dates are, can call and request updates while the date is in progress, say no sleep over’s (when she goes away with her BF for 3-4 days a month), has the rule that I send her thank-you e-mails every time I do have a date with her husband?
What is the experience of other secondary’s?
No, not "always". ^^That's fucked up. You've been putting up with that for three years?
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Nope, all of that is extremely messed up. I would think it would be self-evident that double-standards, hyper-controlling behaviors, and downright creepiness (thank you emails, really?) would not be ok. And there is much disagreement about veto power, some people like it, some hate it, it's by no means universal.

I've also been in a secondary relationship for three years, and the only thing that you listed that's true for us is no sleepovers, because that's something that the two of them agreed to with each other long ago and it applies to both of them, they don't sleep apart. But actually, he's agreed to let her make an exception to that rule so that she and I can go on a short trip as soon as she feels comfortable leaving her toddler alone for a night, and I've slept over in their bed multiple times.

If you want to read about my situation, I blog at "story of a secondary" in the blog section of the boards.

I also highly recommend the essays on secondary relationships at www.morethantwo.com.

You're being treated very poorly, and you don't have to put it up with it.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-11-2013 at 05:24 PM.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:28 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Right from the beginning.
Thirded.

Due to my responsibilities to my children and husband, I can't always accommodate what TGIB would like (or what I would like, for that matter). But his needs and wants ALWAYS matter, are always communicated and discussed as needed, and I do my best to meet them. If I can't meet them he's encouraged to find other ways to have those needs and wants met.

Your situation is bullshit.
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Old 03-11-2013, 05:28 PM
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AlbertaBea AlbertaBea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westVan View Post
At what point do the needs of the secondaries start mattering in the relationship – if ever?
I feel like the needs of every person involved matter equally. When I'm the secondary and my feelings are marginalized, or decisions are made about me without me, it hurts. I feel like a sleazy mistress. No amount of apologies makes up for that.

You're not just in a relationship with your partner, you're in a relationship with their partner as well. Relationships are a two-way street. Standing up for your feelings to a primary isn't easy. You have every right to do it though.
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Old 03-11-2013, 06:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Right from the start. You are a PERSON. Not a THING. You have your own wants, needs, and limits that could be honored in polyshipping.

If you accept that your BF (her husband) comes as a "package deal" because he is married? Dating him means paying the "price of admission."

Here's the price tag in your situation so far as I understand it:
  • Primaries always have the “veto power”
  • Primaries dictate how and when dates are
  • Primaries can call and request updates while the date is in progress
  • Primaries say no sleep over’s
  • Primaries have the rule that I send her thank-you e-mails every time I do have a date with her husband

If he is willing to pay that price tag to get to polyship, that is his emotional/mental/spiritual health wallet.

But do you feel like paying that price from YOUR wallet to get to be with him or is he more than you can healthfully afford to pay?

If "I want my rights to matter, my wants, needs, and limits respected as a secondary" has not been your experience, perhaps the questions are more like...

"Why do I willingly sign up to participate in a polyship with a price of admission that DOES NOT meet my OWN wants, needs, and limits in polyshipping?
How is paying this price tag good for sustaining my own best healths long term -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health?"
Could reflect on that.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-11-2013 at 06:35 PM.
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  #10  
Old 03-11-2013, 07:09 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Okay going to play devil's advocate here. See, some married or just really long term couples, come into poly through not so honest means. Which means when they decide to try it honestly, there's already trust issues. Now as the new person in a relationship with one of them, that's totally not your fault. It does, however, mean that things typically go slower. That's what we had to do. Go slow, lots of communications.

HOWEVER, it was never that bf's needs and wants didn't matter! As a matter of fact as we were talking as friends first he knew some of the past issues and when he brought up dating he brought it up as something he wanted to know how we BOTH felt about it.

So we moved slow, but hubby, who's trust had been broken, made a point of asking himself how HE would want to be treated if he was in bf's shoes. Remembering that the trust WE were rebuilding was between us and not about bf, just about how I handled NRE.

The things you list are just, controlling and inappropriate in ANY relationship. Hubby doesn't get a thank you for 'sharing' me. If anything he's the one that enjoys that there is someone else he commiserate with on how I don't like clothes around the house. While we have check ins, and emergencies with kids come first, that's something that we all agree to and it isnt' abused. (A flu or throwing up hubby can handle without me, a hospital trip, I better get a call)

The first over night was something we geared up for, but there was no veto. I know a lot of marriages just opening will do the veto power, it's a safety net. I'm not saying it's right, but sometimes it's a safety net the other partner has to sort of remind them that they are NOT disposable. We had one, but it was pretty much a catch-22. If he felt the need to use it, then there were problems that using it wouldn't fix. He could use it freely now (according to bf and me) and he sees no need to. In the end, it's a crutch that the couple learns is not helpful at all. So I won't say never use one, but understand it's a crutch and should be a short term one.

Three years is so not short term, even in comparison to relationships in the double digits!

Sadly the best recourse is to sit down all three of you and explain that since this involves all three of you, all three of you should be heard, and respected. That it's not fair for any ONE of you to hold up or hold hostage someone else's relationship. Working together you can help each other with those things that are scary or uncomfortable, but controlling someone else won't help anyone and will just cause a cycle that will continue, with or without you there.
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