Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-18-2010, 06:53 AM
Company's Avatar
Company Company is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 11
Default Anatomy

I have some difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings clearly sometimes. they come out; I share. But they all tend to come out in complicated webs or uneven globs. It's counterintuitive to explaining things to other people. I'm hoping to work on that here. If nothing else, I will accomplish sharing my insanity with random strangers on the internet.

Right now I'm in a tangled mess of myself. I'm struggling just to exist, emphasis on struggling. Fighting, thrashing, writhing, in frequent futility. When I try to step back and examine the knot from a distance, it seems largely self indulgent. I loathe it. Hate it. I want to rip the effort right out of myself and build a strip mall or a movie theater where the conflict used to be. However that might be counterproductive. I'm not entirely sure of what's really going on, or if I'm ready to stare it in the face.

Most times I have to justify feeling anything to myself. If the reasoning isn't there, the thought disappears. More concrete reasoning leads to deeply entrenched viewpoints. I suppose that's the double edged sword of logic. Infallibly and inflexibly correct in all things, sometimes. So much gets edited out and the insubstantial finds its body in the meaninglessness of overpondering. These are habits Company is trying to redirect into more constructive avenues of self analysis and expression.

I just want to be close to people right now. I want to feel like I'm a part of something, something special. I'm tired of coming up with all the reasons it's not worth it, or why I'm not worth it. I'd rather feel something unbridled and powerful, even if it bears the risk of attachment, of rejection even.

So how do I let go of this and execute that? (I say to myself and the internet)
Attached Images
File Type: jpg 32062_445740794675_745219675_5864252_1889583_n.jpg (34.1 KB, 18 views)
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-18-2010, 07:10 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,078
Default

no one ever likes my answer when I reply to that question.
so for now-I'll avoid doing so.
Welcome to the board.

My DH is struggling with similar emotions at the moment. It's heartbreaking to watch.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-19-2010, 03:29 PM
DoubleZero DoubleZero is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default

Hi

I'm going to try to respond to this, but I'm pretty out there so you'll have to bear with me..

I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I feel like I've been in a similar mess before. I can share what has helped me get out of it. I think that a slight shift in view point can change everything.

You said; " When I try to step back and examine the knot from a distance, it seems largely self indulgent. I loathe it. Hate it. I want to rip the effort right out of myself and build a strip mall or a movie theater where the conflict used to be."

It seems crazy and it may not be satisfying to you, but I would suggest not trying to get out of it. The reason most people suffer is because they so desperately want to stop suffering. Instead, enjoy your worries now because you may never have them again. And that's not meant to be a joke, lol. Sit with you're conflict, accept it and really get a look at. Then when you feel that it is self indulgent accept that too. See this is as the drama of your life, this is the conflict in the story of you. There has never been a story with no conflict whatsoever. If there was it would be a really boring story. Usually what happens if you can do this is that the suffering evaporates... but that can't be your intention. Your intention must be to accept the conflict completely, forever. The more closely you can accept and observe the threads of the knot the more it will untie. Conflict is entertaining, and if you can figure out a way to see some humor in your situation then all the better... Isn't it funny how humans get all messed up like we do. Sometimes I wish I was just a tree or something, lol.

You might also want to just try changing your environment. ;D

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-19-2010 at 04:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-19-2010, 04:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoubleZero View Post
Hi

I'm going to try to respond to this, but I'm pretty out there so you'll have to bare with me..

I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I feel like I've been in a similar mess before. I can share what has helped me get out of it. I think that a slight shift in view point can change everything.

You said; " When I try to step back and examine the knot from a distance, it seems largely self indulgent. I loathe it. Hate it. I want to rip the effort right out of myself and build a strip mall or a movie theater where the conflict used to be."

It seems crazy and it may not be satisfying to you, but I would suggest not trying to get out of it. The reason most people suffer is because they so desperately want to stop suffering. Instead, enjoy your worries now because you may never have them again. And that's not meant to be a joke, lol. Sit with you're conflict, accept it and really get a look at. Then when you feel that it is self indulgent accept that too. See this is as the drama of your life, this is the conflict in the story of you. There has never been a story with no conflict whatsoever. If there was it would be a really boring story. Usually what happens if you can do this is that the suffering evaporates... but that can't be your intention. Your intention must be to accept the conflict completely, forever. The more closely you can accept and observe the threads of the knot the more it will untie. Conflict is entertaining, and if you can figure out a way to see some humor in your situation then all the better... Isn't it funny how humans get all messed up like we do. Sometimes I wish I was just a tree or something, lol.

You might also want to just try changing your environment. ;D
This is great advice if you're a person who feeds off of excitement and thrives on unpredictability. Not everyone wants that kind of existence. Personally, I prefer things to be boring and predictable because I do not bode well with "accepting conflict completely, forever". I like to use my energy toward the things that please me and bring me comfort. I disagree that "the human condition" MUST be fraught with peril and complication. I didn't realize until I was in my 30's that i can create my own reality and choose not to include certain things in it.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-19-2010 at 04:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-19-2010, 08:18 PM
DoubleZero DoubleZero is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default

"This is great advice if you're a person who feeds off of excitement and thrives on unpredictability. Not everyone wants that kind of existence. Personally, I prefer things to be boring and predictable because I do not bode well with "accepting conflict completely, forever"."


You have a very interesting name for someone who likes things boring and predictable, lol.

But, I don't think it comes down to excitement or boredom. Suffering is just a form of desire and its sort of counter intuitive but the true purpose of desire is to annihilate itself. Normally it tries to annihilate itself by getting you to engage in some action. For example when you're hungry you have a desire that tries to get you to eat. As you eat your desire to eat ceases to exist. And so the purpose of the desire is fulfilled. It motivates us to act and by acting it disappears... But there is another way for your desire to evaporate and that is if you completely accept your desire. As soon as you completely accept it, it instantly disappears. Don't take my word for it, try it yourself. That is if you feel the need to. But remember you can't do it with the motivation to stop desiring.

This method can be helpful if you are stuck in a knot and no actions will make the desire go away.

thats all.

Last edited by DoubleZero; 11-19-2010 at 08:33 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-19-2010, 08:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Then I must have accepted my suffering it because I don't feel that I'm a slave to "desire".

So, if I accept that I'm hungry, I won't have to eat? I doubt it. Somehow I don't think giving up eating is going to make me suffer less.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-19-2010, 10:05 PM
DoubleZero DoubleZero is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default

No one is a slave to desire. It simply exists or it doesn't. If you completely accept your hunger it will disappear (temporarily at least). But that doesn't mean you don't have to eat. It just means that the hunger has gone away. Of course there wouldn't be much purpose to do this with hunger. That was only an example. It's mostly useful in situations where you feel trapped and there doesn't seem to be anything you can do to stop suffering.... like the situation Company seems to be describing.

Also I'm not suggesting an embrace or embellishment of desire... merely an acceptance of it. A focused acceptance where you sit down and feel it and accept that you feel it and are fine with it being there.
This is just a suggestion of what helps me.. if you find its not for you then forget about it.

Last edited by DoubleZero; 11-19-2010 at 10:46 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:38 AM.