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Old 11-16-2010, 04:53 AM
redhead28 redhead28 is offline
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Default New to poly and in need of advice

Hi there. A few months ago, some friends of mine (a married couple of 15 years) asked me if I would like to join their relationship. None of us had ever experimented with polyamory, and to be honest, the idea never really came up in my life. I knew that I was attracted to both of them as people and physically, and I felt really good being around them. Over the course of the relationship, however, I find myself increasingly attracted to the husband while my level of attraction and affection for the wife isn't really changing. I adore her and have fun with her, but I'm just not feeling the same level of connection as I do with him. When we're all together, it's fun and amazing and loving. But when we're apart, and I think about how I'm truly feeling and some feelings of jealousy come up, I fear that I'm making a mistake.
The other day, he told me he loved me. I have never felt as happy in my life. But, I know that she is having some feelings of being left out and that her and my bond isn't as strong as his and mine.
I know I should probably walk away, accept that I can't make the relationship work how they would like it to. I can't force myself to feel things for her or to be someone around her that I'm not. I know I have to be true to myself. And I would rather myself get hurt than her. But, at the same time, I've never felt this way about someone. He gets me as a person, emotionally and physically. And the chemistry is like none I have ever experienced.
I guess I know what I need to do, but wanted to see if I couldn't get some advice anyways.
Thanks for listening...
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:07 AM
wearelookin wearelookin is offline
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Default Open Communication

Hi redhead28,

Open communication is the MOST important thing. In our experience being the husband and wife, having a person live with us for a year, talking about it was the most important. As long as you don't hate her and still enjoy her company, there is no reason for her to feel bad. Just because you are more "into" him.

Sounds like you have great potential for a poly relationship. We would love to find someone like that again.

Thanks for listening and hope this helps.
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:39 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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From what I heard about unicorn triads (someone joining an existing couple to be with both) it's actually the most common scenario that she'll get closer to the husband than the wife (although I guess sometimes it might be the other way around).

Talk about it a lot, but I don't see why you have to walk away. If you do, it's 3 hearts broken instead of one. I don't see why the triad couldn't turn into a V, where you'd be the husband's girlfriend but not the wife. "Symmetrical" isn't the same as "fair", and it would be certainly unfair to demand you break up when you love each other, just because you don't have the same connection with your female friend as you do your male friend.

Definitely be honest with her, as you don't want to hurt her more than necessary by delaying it, leading her on or making her feel left out. However it's possible to recover from it and end up in a different relationship configuration.
Or did they say it's both of them or neither? That seems like a bad plan to me when feelings are involved.
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:49 AM
redhead28 redhead28 is offline
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When we originally sat down and talked about this, yes it appeared as thought it was all or nothing. Some rules were put in place in the beginning about sex when one of the two of them wasn't there. Since then, trust has been built up, and those rules have been able to become a bit more lax. But, I do believe, that she would not be ok with me being his girlfriend and not hers. Of course, I haven't really talked to her about it as I am still trying to figure out what I'm feeling. She has made comments about how it seems like he really has two girlfriends rather than it being an equal triad, and I agree that this is how it appears to be shifting. But then, she'll talk to him when I'm not around about how she is afraid that his and my bond is deepening much faster than hers and mine. Which is true.
I agree that communication is key and that I should definitely be honest with her. I guess I'm just afraid of hurting her.
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Old 11-16-2010, 06:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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A triad almost always seems to turn into a vee. There is nothing wrong with that or scary, it just means that you have all learned and grown and are morphing into something else. You could just be going at a different pace, or not be interested in her any more... neither is bad or cause for alarm. No one goes at the same pace with partners really... triad or not. It is just how it goes. We ebb and flow with many people in our lives...

If you are wanting to end it with her then it's time to discuss new boundaries and not throw the baby out with the bath water, if you are finding that things have just slowed down for a bit then go with it and let it be... you can talk about that if you wish, but perhaps keeping it light would be best so as to realize that its nothing to worry about at the moment and that you are just a bit more in NRE with the male in your relationship...

Lord knows I am more in love with one partner over another... sometimes I'm more in love with my friend or the fall leaves than I am with any of my partners. It just is and I just let it go.. I know it comes around and I know that it doesn't mean that I want to leave, so I just muse over it and get on to loving whenever it comes up.

I would suggest doing a search on here for triads, unicorns, vees... there is a lot that might be of help to you, not to mention threads in the stickies that have been highlighted as useful... happy reading.
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Old 11-16-2010, 07:36 AM
wearelookin wearelookin is offline
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Talking Redpepper's Wisdom

You are full of GREAT insights Red,,,,, maybe someday you could give us some for our situation
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:55 PM
redhead28 redhead28 is offline
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Thank you all for your advice, replies, encouragement. I think mostly I am just afraid of someone getting hurt, but I suppose that is a risk you take with any relationship. I do believe that, in the beginning, they did have some expectations that this was going to be a fairly equal triad, which was obviously a bit naive. And, I suspect that since time has passed and some of the honeymood phase has passed, there are certain feelings about being left behind (on her part) that are coming up.
I have honestly been trying to live in the moment with this as much as possible, but when she expressed some concern that she wasn't bonding as quickly with me, I started to worry.
Redpepper, I love how you say that somedays you love the leaves more than you love your partners. I feel the same way sometimes.
Thank you all again! xoxo
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Old 11-16-2010, 01:43 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Location: New England USA
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Hey Redhead,

Ok........slow down a second hun.

Everyone think about this a second.

Does anyone EVER connect with ANYONE else in the same way with the same intensity ? You with me here ?

All 3 of you need to talk about this - and bunches of other general human traits - so you don't start micro-analyzing everything.

If they-as a couple-have some pie in the sky goal of having some relationship where everyone is EQUALLY bonkers over each other, and compatible in all the zillions of other little life preferences, I suggest they invest in a rocket and find another planet and species
It ain't happening !

Add to that, things evolve. As RP and others have said maybe in a somewhat different way, there's NRE involved here which will have to pass before you can see the true colors of anything. You may walk in tomorrow and the situation will change the chemistry between all of you. Then it will happen again some time in the future. Always in flux.

I say - drop the expectations and just live it - in the moment. Celebrate the differences in the way you connect to each - and how they connect to each other. If you can do that in a loving manner it will all fall into place.

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triads, unicorns, vees

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