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Old 03-08-2013, 02:19 AM
shakti99 shakti99 is offline
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Default Came seeking a place to figure out if I can really do this

My partner and I have been together for over 3 years now. We came together based on a need for complete honesty and communication, neither wanting to ever be in another relationship of "ownership", seeing that in so many marriages and relationships. We are also very Spiritual individuals, following a Native American path, and we consider each other Walk-Besides, as we walk beside each other on this journey. We are very spiritually connected. He's talked about "knowing" (he's actually a gifted psychic, really) that there would be "2 women" right from the beginning. I've always been open to that, knowing that we would deal with it when it comes up, as he'd always promised that there would be extensive conversation between us well before he approached any other. A few have come up, nothing ever appropriate in the end, so never really "dealt" with it, until now.

A woman that he had met years ago, had felt a connection with, but nothing ever came of it. She has been going through considerable emotional issues right now, and needs a strong friend, and he is someone she completely trusts. He had mentioned this "connection" with me when it happened, but seemed to jump into approaching a relationship, talking with her about it directly, without ever talking with me about it. A week ago, he was out plowing snow, never told me he'd intended to stop there, and when I called him and he was getting some sleep there, I was pissed. Have gone through the gambit, and we discussed everything intensely when he got home. My biggest upset was not being included, him not being completely truthful (was a wrong assumption of what was promised), and that I'd not yet had time to spend with her. It has always been an insistance (on both our parts) that I need to be able to feel comfortable with this person. His timing could not be worse, as I am going thru court again with my ex husband, and revisiting many trust and abandonment issues.

I'd spent many years within the pagan community, exposed to more than a few poly relationship, some that worked well some that didn't, sometimes as an "other", altho not a "second", per se. I contacted some friends that I know have a long-term very stable poly relationship, and we got together last weekend with them, wonderful discussion, and even more so on the way home.

Well, I met this woman for coffee this week, and I have discovered a new Sister, we got along so very well. Immediate Honest and completely Open communication! She came over to our house from there to help me out with some cleaning projects, and the 3 of us had dinner together. She is a wonderful person.

The kink in this whole thing, for me, is I have Multiple Sclerosis, and over the past 2 years, I have become disabled, unable to do many of the things that we used to do, having mobility and balance issues now. He's said that he wants this to be additional support for me, as much as someone special that he can enjoy those activities that he has had to put on hold because of my disability. I love him dearly, and appreciate all of the things he does for me, so I very much do NOT want to be the reason for his not being able to do the things he enjoys.

Tonight, it is snowing, he is out in the plow, after having dinner at her house, and I know that she is in the plow with him. That used to be MY spot! WE used to go hiking, and he wants to take her to a special mtn that we shared together. I sit here watching TV, alone in the house again, having to struggle to load the wood stove (ok, I'd do that if he was just out plowing, which I never liked), crying to myself "I don't know if I can do this!". Its been a roller coaster over the past few weeks, emotionally. Much of this is due to all of the BS with my ex. I go from being fine, being happy that this lovely woman is part of this, being even more connected with my Love because of the intense communication, to feeling lonely, wishing he'd come home, wishing I'd been there at dinner with both of them, wishing I had someone to come visit with me, and feeling sorry for myself because I can't get out more (physically or financially right now).

Anyway, sorry for the incredibly long intro, followed by a need for someone to help me get a handle on this whole thing.
THANKS for reading this far!
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Old 03-08-2013, 08:51 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello shakti99,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you have no small share of challenges; I am especially sorry to hear about the MS. You are facing many things that make poly difficult, such as going through court with your ex. I don't suppose there's any chance your partner and this new woman could spend more time at home with you? Something to talk to them about.

I hope we can be of some help to you on this site. Certainly there is a lot of collective experience and wisdom here. I just wanted to say a few things, and let you know that I'm glad you joined us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-20-2013, 06:09 AM
shakti99 shakti99 is offline
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Thanks for the reply. We have gotten together here some. She has come over and helped me pack some boxes (impending move at some point). We have included her on an outing that would have been "our time" with long-time friends (do not know about the poly), went all three to the movies. He came home, said he wanted to see Oz, "She wants to see Oz, so I think we should go", not "do you want to go to the movies". More and more I am feeling like he gets to go "out" with her, and I end up being that one that he comes home to, that would be alone in the house otherwise. Another snowstorm, I am feeling like a shut-in, so this doesn't help. She's out in the truck with him the whole day out there, and he's never actually told me that they'd had these plans (she took 2 days off from work). For some reason that left me feeling like he is, again, hiding what is going on, and because that conversation gets left out, Mr "always honest" feels like a lie by omission. Its starting to feel like he's having some sanctioned affair, at times. Then when he mentions taking off to the folks cabin for a few days to escape the stress of the court crap, he starts talking about including her. NOT something I am comfortable with, can't imagine she wants to hash out sleeping arrangements just yet. We all drove together to a concert last weekend, and he kept saying before hand that it would be good if we were all in the car alone together, so we can talk, but then never brings up whatever it is he seems to think we should talk about.

I keep going back and forth, and really just want this all to stop, but I'm not completely sure just WHAT I want to stop, lol. Is it wrong for me to feel like its not fair if he talks about going to all sorts of places with her, that we never go to anymore, not in the years we've been living together, and not just because I can't anymore? Can't remember the last time he took me out to dinner. But he'll go out dancing with her as soon as they can get time. He says I get him around at home all the time, so that should be enough. Sure, the time we spend together, alone in the care driving to meetings, grabbing some Dunkin on the way, he says are "special moments". Sorry, I am just starting to feel like I am getting pushed into the background, as the "shut-in".
Is it unreasonable to want to be informed when he makes plans with her, before hand, not to find it out when I call him and hear her in the background?

I wish I could just stablize all of this emotion! I think I am having a really hard time letting go of the poor way that he handled it right from the beginning, and feeling completely run over by the whole thing. It always felt like it was much more about his "needs", than truly wanting someone else to "help me", as he keeps saying. He has had a tendency to "run people over", heading at his top speed, which is never healthy for anyone else in his path, lol. I do want to make this work, because I believe in the ideal, and I feel that it is fair to him to have someone that is not disabled to spend time with. I just keep feeling like something is going to blow up, and I really can't afford for it to be me again. I'm tired of feeling like my feelings in all of this really don't matter, because he's going to do it his way, all over again.

Sorry for the rant!
Thanks!
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Old 03-20-2013, 04:11 PM
cinnamonswing cinnamonswing is offline
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i don't know if i have any words of advice to give you, i just wanted to say that i sympatize with you and i recognize that feeling...at least what i interpret your feelings to be. working so hard to try and keep up with the pace of someone but being exhausted and wishing they would just slow down a little so you could get some space to breathe and think. if he feels that you are important to him and you have this strong spiritual connection surely he would want to make sure that you feel respected through all this. i hope that you can find a way to communicate so that you will get what you need. i wish you all the best!
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Old 03-20-2013, 08:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What prevents you from saying to him, "I would love to go out to dinner, just me and you?"

Next time he proposes going out with her again, you can say, "I wish you would be a little more considerate toward how I feel when you want to do more things with her than with me, and when you make plans with her without my knowledge. I know I can't do as much as I used to, but I feel set aside and taken for granted. If you are going to invest more in your friendship with her, or become lovers with her, I need you to make extra effort to let me know I am still a part of your life and important to you."

It's very simple. You don't have to wrangle with this in silence. Get it out. That car ride, you could have said to him,"So, what was it you wanted us women to discuss on the way?" Why are you waiting for him to make all the moves?
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Old 03-20-2013, 09:16 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I agree, you need to initiate some communication here if he won't be the one to initiate.

Re (from Post #3):
Quote:
"Is it unreasonable to want to be informed when he makes plans with her, beforehand, not to find it out when I call him and hear her in the background?"
I would, like, ask him that question verbatim, point-blank. "Honey, it would help me a lot if you could inform me when you make plans with her, beforehand. Would you be willing to do that? I hate it when I find it out when I call you and hear her in the background."

That and express how you're feeling in general, and that you would like to be left at home alone a little less.
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