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Old 11-14-2010, 12:07 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Hello

I've been interested in poly for more than a decade, but have only been in monogamous relationships until the last few years. Strangely enough, because I started dating kind of late, I've actually been interested in poly longer than I've been dating.

My last relationship was ambiguously open. We talked about both wanting openness and not being possessive and being free to see other people, but we weren't the best communicators and never said much else about boundaries or what kind of relationship we were in. She started seeing another couple, but didn't tell me much about it, and I didn't ask. I got pretty jealous, things were uncomfortable between them, etc.

After a year of being alone, I've started dating someone new in August, and we established from the first date that we both want it to be non-monogamous. We're doing pretty well so far, but it's new for both of us, so I thought "Hey, I'll join this forum and see what advice and ideas I can get."

Some issues I hadn't expected:

Relationship styles - She's more interested in a serious primary relationship with more casual things on the side? More "open" than "poly". For myself, I've always imagined polyamory with a few serious partners and not really any "hierarchy". Hmmm.

Inequality - She has a lot of other dudes, but I don't have any other ladies. Sometimes I feel like I'm "getting the short end of the stick". Of course that's not her fault or anything, it's just easy to feel insecure. In fact, she's been limiting what she does to make it easier on me, but that makes me feel guilty that she's missing out on good things because of my insecurity.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:45 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Welcome to the forum. What I can say upfront is it's ALL about communication so, you both should constantly work on building the lines of communication with each other. It would also be a good idea to write out what your needs are in the relationship you have with each other and make sure you both understand those needs and are willing to accommodate them. I believe a big part of this relationship style is balance. She will have to work to find it amongst her multiple partners so that no one feels like they are 'getting the short end of the stick' but the partners have to learn to be more selfless and patient as well. It's definitely a process and, who knows, you may soon find an additional, suitable female partner to share yourself with. I look forward to checking in on your journey.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:47 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Thanks for the response.

We've started writing out some rules, though it's mostly just notes and proposals so far. Maybe "rules" isn't the best word?

My attitude will change wildly from one hour to the next, which is frustrating for me and probably for her. Earlier tonight I was happy and secure and told her I wanted her to see this guy again (she has not been seeing anyone else for a few weeks). But a few hours later after she finished talking about all her prospects, I felt jealous and insecure again. It's totally irrational, and I know this while I'm feeling it, but I can't keep it in check.

I may have a date myself next week, though. Not someone I was considering as a prospect. We'll see.
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Old 11-21-2010, 04:30 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Well, I hope everything goes well. Yea...I would say to take the time to really reflect within yourself about those emotions you are feeling. I believe that, more times than not, our negative emotions are based off of a lack of communication or a lack of raw truth about mindset and/or past experiences with self.
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Old 12-03-2010, 03:43 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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That one got canceled but tonight I went on one with someone different who I've had a crush on for years. It went pretty well! My girlfriend's on a date with someone new, too. I suspect hers is going even more well, but it's ok.
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Old 12-03-2010, 02:15 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cuddlecakes View Post
I suspect hers is going even more well, but it's ok.
Why is that? Is it a competition? Those are questions that when answered honestly will help you move past these feelings.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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