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  #1  
Old 03-07-2013, 12:29 AM
ferenc ferenc is offline
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Default Embarrassed to admit my wife has a lover…

After years of discussion we've finally taken the plunge into poly. My wife has fallen deeply in love with another man, and I’m pretty ok with that so long as my relationship needs are being fulfilled (they kinda' are but being in NRE my wife still sometimes/at times often thinks about him when she's with me, and is not 'present' which I resent but that’s another issue which we're talking through)

What’s really bugging me right now is that somehow I feel less of a man because my wife feels the need for another, which is crazy as I know I can’t be everything for anyone.

And here’s the really unfair bit – it would be super-cool for me to have another woman, but I’m embarrassed to admit my wife has a lover. WTF?

Is it ego, insecurity, cultural conditioning? What is going on here?
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:02 AM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Originally Posted by ferenc View Post
After years of discussion we've finally taken the plunge into poly. My wife has fallen deeply in love with another man, and I’m pretty ok with that so long as my relationship needs are being fulfilled (they kinda' are but being in NRE my wife still sometimes/at times often thinks about him when she's with me, and is not 'present' which I resent but that’s another issue which we're talking through)

What’s really bugging me right now is that somehow I feel less of a man because my wife feels the need for another, which is crazy as I know I can’t be everything for anyone.

And here’s the really unfair bit – it would be super-cool for me to have another woman, but I’m embarrassed to admit my wife has a lover. WTF?

Is it ego, insecurity, cultural conditioning? What is going on here?
One man can not meet the sexual and emotional needs of a woman. I believe that and read where a woman said the same thing. I think a married woman can also give more of herself to a lover when shes married. My wife has a boyfried of three years. She loves him. He comes over and they have their own bedroom here and they make love. I love listening to her moan.
Why would I not be happy for her.
Its ego bothering you. Theres nothing wrong with you.
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  #3  
Old 03-07-2013, 02:31 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Maybe its just "the new normal feels weird until it becomes the old normal."

Maybe it is something else. Only you can answer that by sitting and looking within to see what you find there.

Galagirl
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:06 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Originally Posted by ferenc View Post
Is it ego, insecurity, cultural conditioning? What is going on here?
Could be all three, really. Many people get past this through a lot of time, research, and communication with all the parties involved. Some people never do.

I encourage you to be very open and honest with your wife about your feelings. Don't be afraid to voice them, and try to create an atmosphere where she feels comfortable voicing hers to you as well.

Work together to establish your comfort limits. I wish you guys the best.
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Old 03-08-2013, 03:22 AM
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Clearly you have some things to sort through, and you will get there. My only thought is this: You are a guy looking for someone who is accepting of a poly relationship dynamic. What's to be embarrassed about here. You and your wife have a poly relationship and currently she has another partner. So will you when it happens for you. In my unprofessional opinion you are psyching yourself out. Take it easy on you and keep your mind open. Fear is a terrible state in which to live.

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Old 03-08-2013, 05:11 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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You sound like you're doing pretty well with it. (Yes, it is ego, insecurity, and cultural conditioning--but everyone's got those things).

The simplest solution would be to become more familiar with other men who are comfortable with their wives having boyfriends/lovers. Join a poly social group, read & post more on poly forums, etc. Find yourself a community that includes men in your situation who can model the idea that they aren't less of a man.
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Old 03-08-2013, 05:41 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ferenc View Post
What’s really bugging me right now is that somehow I feel less of a man because my wife feels the need for another, which is crazy as I know I can’t be everything for anyone.

And here’s the really unfair bit – it would be super-cool for me to have another woman, but I’m embarrassed to admit my wife has a lover. WTF?

Is it ego, insecurity, cultural conditioning? What is going on here?
I'm with the others who think/feel that it could be a combo of all three. I think that my husband went through something similar when we finally (after 19 YEARS) addressed the "no boys" clause to my extra-curricular activities. (Which clause, to be fair, I never felt the need to really challenge...until Dude came along.)

MrS can't really explain how he came to his reversal/refutation but I have a few theories.

In term of ego: I think this may have been predominant for MrS. He knows that he understands me (how my mind works, my likes/dislikes, how I will respond to different situations, what makes me happy, etc.) better than anyone else. I think part of it was his ego being tied up in somehow needing to believe that he was the ONLY person who has ever understood me/COULD ever understand me in such an intimate fashion. When he stepped back from his gut-reactions he came to the conclusion that ... wait a minute, how is it a BAD thing if someone else ALSO comes to understand me in that way? How is more happy, more love, more understanding in any way a NEGATIVE? Sharing that understanding (of me) doesn't depreciate HIS understanding in any way - it can only augment it.

In terms of insecurity: I've CHOSEN to be with him for 20 years, we love each other more each and every year, my life's plans with him include "forever" - I think he looked at this with a fresh perspective and realized that THAT was a solid enough foundation that his insecurities (that he was carrying from when we were first together) were unfounded. I COULD have run off and left him for some "new shiny" guy (or girl) at any point - poly or no - and I haven't (and wouldn't - but that is a whole nother post on my views about commitment).

In terms of cultural conditioning: this is a hard one because I think this conditioning runs deeper than we realize on a sub-conscious level and requires some serious rooting around to figure out the underlying assumptions that these biases are based on. Luckily, for me, MrS was already partway there in terms of questioning the underlying basis for many of society's "rules" (think, hippy-bohemian-meets-rugged-individualist-survivalist-libertarian). The next step seemed to be applying the same type of scrutiny to personal relationship dynamics rather than cultural/societal/governmental "institutions".

For MrS the "epiphany" was already in the making, the stage having been set by various conversations and experiences we have had. The actual trigger for his total re-evaluation of all of the the above was a could-have-been-fatal-but-thankfully-wasn't car accident. (I DO NOT recommend this!) This incident caused him to re-evaluate his outlook on a number of things that he had previously understood on a purely "intellectual" level...

I don't know if any of this is helpful...but "sharing water"...

JaneQ
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Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:12 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ferenc View Post
What’s really bugging me right now is that somehow I feel less of a man because my wife feels the need for another, which is crazy as I know I can’t be everything for anyone.

And here’s the really unfair bit – it would be super-cool for me to have another woman, but I’m embarrassed to admit my wife has a lover. WTF?

Is it ego, insecurity, cultural conditioning? What is going on here?
A little of all three, actually.

Cultural programming has a lot to do with it; your image of yourself is tied up in a picture given to you by the culture around you. Because your current situation clashes with that picture, it creates feelings of insecurity.

There's no real "cure" for it, you just have to fight the programming as best you can. Cultural programming is often bizarrely illogical so countering it with concrete facts is often helpful.
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Old 03-09-2013, 04:45 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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I would also chime in a vote for all three. In my case, I think cultural programming has more to do with it. I'm worried about Wife's lover because I'm worried that will reflect on me as being "inadequate". When a husband has a lover, it's often assumed it's because men are inherently unfaithful. When a wife has a lover, it's often assumed it's because the husband is somehow lacking. Another unfair social norm.
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:30 PM
ferenc ferenc is offline
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Thankyou all for your comments . All good food for thought and Thank you again JaneQ I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not ego – I KNOW I can’t be everything for everyone. As far as cultural conditioning goes I’ve always broken the rules and am totally comfortable with that. So I started thinking “what state would I be in to confidently say my wife has a lover?” and that would be if I could say “I trust my wife wants to be with me” and here’s the kicker – she’s thinking about leaving me (for him or anyone else if he doesn’t work out) to continue her spiritual journey. So I don’t have the confidence she wants to stay with me.

I have joined a group (Brisbane Poly People) and went to their meeting this afternoon. I met a V (man/wife/gf) and asked how the wife dealt with the introduction of a gf. Turns out the wife had the first lover so I asked the man how he dealt with it. “Lots of talking and checking in with each other” “Do you love me? Do you still want to be with me?” to which the wife emphatically replied “yes” every time. So I guess my situation is different in that I don’t know what she wants. If I could confidently say “I trust my wife wants to be with me” I wouldn’t be embarrassed. So I’m insecure in our relationship for starters, and have just come out of 3 weeks of psych hospital due to long term depression including a slowly decaying marriage, and realized I have lost ‘me’, become totally fused in my family (so if my family life is fucked my whole life is fucked) and become lost and needy. Very unhealthy I know but such is life ATM…so feeling insecure in myself as well.

So my wife meets a guy who’s wise, centred, not needy, giving her energy instead of draining like me, teaching her something new (tantra), and is new and shiny (and doesn't have to pay bills, do housework, raise children). No wonder she wants to keep me at arms length… I’m working on my issues and regaining my sense of self, but I’m not there yet, and it seems to me that my bouts of neediness are met with “very unattractive, keep away, too hard, stop impinging on my NRE bliss bubble”. But we’d decided to work on our relationship for a year and re-assess.

So last Friday night after much talk and empathy about how devastated she would feel in my situation, we had a magical tantric sex experience. She always wondered if she could have with me what she’s been sharing with her lover, but after Friday night she said she hoped she could have what we had with her lover. So I was on top of the world. Then Sunday night (first time they hadn’t been in contact for 3 days ) she calls her lover and he expresses how much he missed her, how much he loved her, and how he wished that the circumstances were different and that he could live with her. Suddenly my wife starts thinking again about leaving me. Emotional roller-coaster is an understatement, and in my post-depression fragile state it’s doing my head in. So tonight I’ve said that I want some space for me to ‘find me’, remove myself emotionally from her and to another bedroom, and give her space to work out what she wants. So of course that was taken as “we’re breaking up” and ”you realise that by removing yourself emotionally from me that you’re pushing me into my lovers arms”

I’ve told her repeatedly that I love her, I think we’re meant to be together, but I can’t take the emotional turmoil in my current state. What to do…?
In turmoil,
ferenc
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