Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-05-2013, 08:47 PM
ken81 ken81 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Default First experience with a poly. Very hurt by it.

So here is my story. I met this guy totally by random chance 4 months ago at a family event where he was a friend of a friend. I am pretty confident well adjusted person was very happy in my life working on improving my self, my job, goals in life, and enjoying my time with family and friends exploring my love and time with them. I really was not interested at first at all but, he pursued me to no end over the course of a week. Needless to say finally he got me alone and we talked and over the course of 3-6 weeks we laughed, cried, and spent allot of time together and developed a very deep emotional bond stronger than I have ever felt with anyone. I know this sounds almost impossible. It was not sexual yet or anything that came later. We talk about pasts baggage, hurts, triumphs, sexual encounters, about trust, not lying to yourself or others, self love etc. All of what we seemed to share in common. I never made any bones that deep down I was a monogamy person at heart when I got into a relationship. I also do not judge other relationship types. I am very open minded about what works for people this is their life. As long as they are not hurting someone else then go for it. From the very first night he said he believed in inclusive love and the love for one has nothing to do with another. I said yea well me too not know then what he was hinting at. I love my family, friends, grandparents, the one I chose to build a life with etc. They are all companions in my life and I love them etc. Some I am very close to other not so much. I said but, I want someone to share my life with more closely and intimately. He told me he had past lovers he still kept in touch with especially 2 of them to be specific. I asked him point blank what was now the nature of their relationship. He said they were friends he still spent allot of time with them and had not been sexual with them for over 2 years. So I said ok cool with me. I am never one to deny another family, friend etc lover and emotional support from people other than myself especially if they have a past with them, you had just damn better be there for me when I need it if I am you partner or someone I looking to be. Needless to say he led me down a slippery slope after about 2 months into it he mentioned to me what if one day what I want to have sex with someone else? I said really? I said is this a problem at this time? I thought he meant more of what happened if he made a mistake and did it by accident etc. He told me no and mentioned for the first time a little about this word polyamory to me. So I agreed to look up what he was talking about more. By this time I was already very attached to him even though I tried to keep things slow. So after reading I said I do not know if this is right for me. He said it is all about honest and truth and trust and telling you partner everything and not limiting them etc. So I asked again do you want to have sex with others now or is this an issue now? He once again told me no. He said he needed someone that would be ok if he wanted to have sex with others in the future. I said well I will think about all this and I said before you find or need the urge to do something like that can we talk about it? He had already expressed the need to jerk or with other guys in locker rooms. He said no touching was allowed and I said I can deal with that if you really want to. Then 2 days after the last time I saw him he and at the point I was totally in love with him just randomly one night tells me oh by the way I jerked off not jerked off with one of those people I had not done anything with in two years. This meaning touching. Then proceeded after I felt hurt (not so much by the act but more by the betrayal of our agreement) to make it sound like it was my problem and said he would be hurt if I ended it. He had no compassion or thought for what I might be feeling and proceed to say he would be hurt if I ended the relationship. I said we agreed to talk about this and give me time to think about it and I really did not expect this so early. I said why if we are just starting out in a relationship and you knew from the beginning how I felt and this could be a hard thing for me why would you risk it like this? He then proceeded to tell me the two people he described as friends were not only old lovers but current lovers and he had no intentions of changing his relationship with them just because someone new came into the picture and intends to have full intercourse with them if he chooses and this is not negotiable. I am very hurt and heart broken. I feel lied too and mislead in an extreme way. Is this not the complete opposite of what this is suppose to be about? I was about to possibly really try and make this work with him and possibly sacrifice my desire for my partner to be monogamous as well so that he could be happy and I could be happy with him. I feel like now if I ever met someone again and they mention poly I would run for the hills. I think I am way more poly than him in the way I act with my loved ones and treat them. I still even care for him but, I have enough sense, security, and love for him and myself in a sense to let go and know that we are both only just going to hurt each other if our relationship continues in its current form. And can only be plutonic friends if that is even possible after the lie. And I am not trying to judge at all but now it seems this is just a way for people to be able to have sex while having the comfort of a companion in a sense. Any advice or thoughts?
Reply With Quote
Old 03-06-2013, 01:00 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,154

Saying one is poly does not prevent one from being an asshole. I wish it did! There are honorable poly folks out there. This guy isn't one of them. People lie, shade the truth, leave out critical details. And sometimes people use poly as an excuse for bad behavior. You have a much better handle on what poly really is than he does. It's still lying and unacceptable. You sound like you realize you need to dump him and move on. That is exactly what you should do. Chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2013, 02:13 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 138

I'm sorry he lied and led you into this. He should have been upfront about his intentions with you once you guys become serious. It sounds from your post that you're not interested in sharing his love, and that's OK, and you were honest with him about it. If he says his other relationships are "non-negotiable" you have a choice to make. Stay with him and try to learn about this lifestyle and try to make peace with it, or move along and let him go. The fact that he was dishonest does not bode well for you guys in any event. There are MANY honest, honorable people with open marriages out there, but you got involved with one who is not.

I know 4 months can seem like a long time, but in the overall scheme of things it's not really. I think you'll be doing your emotional health a great disservice to try to put up with him and his lies.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. And try to divide your posts up into paragraphs to make them easier to read. Some people will see a VERY LONG paragraph and not even want to read it.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2013, 04:35 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Yep, he was just a plain old liar and cheater using the idea of poly as a cover for having no ethical integrity. People who are good at lying can be very charismatic and often don't seem to know when or how to stop. I'm sorry you fell prey to someone like that, and I'm glad for you that you're moving on. That is in no way what poly is actually about.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:41 PM.