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Old 03-05-2013, 06:46 PM
BamaUU BamaUU is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3
Default Poly Newbies

Hi all. My wife and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 7 years, and married for 3. While we had kind of discussed opening things up before, we had an explicit conversation a couple months ago in which we both decided we wanted to develop a polyamorous relationship. While we are worried that it could be difficult to do so in Alabama as a couple with a child, we are excited about the possibility, and have tried to do a lot of research on maintaining openness and avoiding pitfalls.

We met a woman in our church recently who had been polyamorous, and would like to be again, who we are both attracted to. We would really like to ask her if she is interested in one or both of us, but this is our first time going about this so I'm wondering what a good way to approach it would be, and what setting. After church seems like a very public setting. I feel like we could also be very good friends so I wouldn't want some awkwardness from our attraction to her to mess that up. Perhaps that is just an issue that anyone wanting to date has to deal with, but it is definitely on our minds! Sorry if any of this had been addressed before, but I checked many of the threads (which were quite helpful in other topics!), but I didn't see this specific issue addressed.

Anyway, thank y'all for providing this welcoming and open community. I've already enjoyed reading the conversations on here.
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Old 03-05-2013, 06:58 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

The easiest way to approach her is probably with friendship first and foremost in your mind, with the possibility of something more tucked neatly in the back.

I'm encouraged by you saying "one or both of us." It's important to realize that one person very rarely falls for two members of a couple equally, if at all. Many couples, when they first learn about polyamory, have unrealistic expectations of "adding" another person to their relationship. People are not accessories. But it doesn't sound like you have that problem, so that's encouraging.

Good luck!
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 03-05-2013, 07:11 PM
BamaUU BamaUU is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3

Thanks so much! I have just been reading about that very issue, and I want to have realistic expectations and be mindful of everyone's feelings/needs.
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Old 03-05-2013, 07:40 PM
futilethewinds futilethewinds is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 8

Hey, I'm from Alabama, too.

Maybe you could invite her to have coffee with you, and then work your way up to lunch, hanging out at home, and when the moment feels right, then bring up the possibility of being together.
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Old 03-05-2013, 10:59 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,140

Hi BamaUU,
Welcome to our forum.

The others have already gave good advice, so I won't have much to add. Friendship first, always a good policy in my MO book.

Glad you have enjoyed what you have read here so far, hope you will read more and post any thoughts/questions you may have. I also hope things work out nicely with this lady you're attracted to!

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:20 AM
BamaUU BamaUU is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3

Thanks for the welcoming and the advice, everyone. That's cool to know that there are others on here from Alabama, futilethewinds. There are many things about this state that upset me, but there are also a lot of wonderful people here, good food, and beautiful scenery, if you look hard enough. We are already planning a Battlestar Galactica night, which I haven't seen, so even if there's nothing else, I'm guaranteed to have a good time if Ronald D. Moore is involved.
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