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  #1  
Old 03-03-2013, 06:21 AM
triolove triolove is offline
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Unhappy lost

I am in a trio. We have our ups and downs just like everyone. But this was an important day for me. It was my five year with my man and i wanted to make it a wonderful day. But she made it hard. Top it off she said me that him I could have sex. But she could cause it was her time of the month. When it came down to it she would not let us, and he said he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. It made me so mad but more sad that he did not want to make love to me. How do I deal with something like this cause it got me so upset I am ready to walk. But i don't want to leave i love them both. I feel like anything i have to say don't matter to them. Its their way or no way.
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  #2  
Old 03-03-2013, 06:58 AM
duke duke is offline
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You have to tell them how you feel, and take responsibility for the way you feel. Don't tell them they MADE you feel this way. Remember while you cant help what you feel, no one can make you feel things. Tell them both why lovemaking was important to you, that you expected it, and when it didn't happen, how you felt.

It's not worth walking! Take the time to breathe, assess, and when you're in a place for it, ask for some time from them to discuss how you feel.
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  #3  
Old 03-03-2013, 07:08 AM
triolove triolove is offline
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I have told them how i feel. They tell me i am feeling wrong. I just want to be able to get time with him like she dose too. I don't know what they do while i am at work. But i feel i should get the same as she dose he was my man first. But i guess i am wrong for wanting anything.
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  #4  
Old 03-03-2013, 07:26 AM
duke duke is offline
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You're not wrong to want.

You have to communicate how important things are to you and how your time with him seems inadequate. They may not agree but you cannot control that. Communicate, breathe and assess.
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  #5  
Old 03-03-2013, 07:46 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hello, and welcome to the forums. Sorry it is because you are having issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
...But this was an important day for me. It was my five year with my man and i wanted to make it a wonderful day.
OK. It was a special/important day for you because it was your 5 year anniversary with your guy. So you wanted to make it "wonderful" - what plans did you make, other than having sex with him? How did those plans go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
But she made it hard. Top it off she said me that him I could have sex. But she could cause it was her time of the month. When it came down to it she would not let us, and he said he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. It made me so mad but more sad that he did not want to make love to me.
You say that "she" made it hard, that "she" didn't allow ("let") you have sex with him. BUT, why does "she" have any say in whether you have sex with your shared guy? Are you upset with your guy too (or just sad)? Why does "she" get to decide who "he" has sex with? (i.e. can you tell him that "he" can't have sex with "her" on their anniversary?) (OR, is there some BDSM type dynamic to this/these relationship(s) that you haven't told us about?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
How do I deal with something like this cause it got me so upset I am ready to walk. But i don't want to leave i love them both. I feel like anything i have to say don't matter to them. Its their way or no way.
How you deal with it may depend on whether this was an isolated event/misunderstanding and they apologized or whether this is an unhealthy pattern of behavior. WHY do you "love them both" if you feel that anything you "have to say don't matter to them"? THAT doesn't sound like loving behavior on their part,

Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
I have told them how i feel. They tell me i am feeling wrong.
There is no such thing as "feeling wrong" in my book. You feel what you feel regardless of how irrational it may be.

Perhaps you are attributing the wrong "reasons" to why you are feeling what you are feeling. But no one can tell you that those aren't the feelings that you are having and you "shouldn't" be feeling them. They can only help argue the "why."

Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
I just want to be able to get time with him like she dose too.
Have you put this on the table as some thing that you require? If you have and it has been ignored then you really need to question if you are getting what YOU need out of your relationship(s).

Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
I don't know what they do while i am at work. But i feel i should get the same as she dose he was my man first.
Regardless of what she "gets" (which you say you don't know) AND regardless of who came "first"...again, are you getting what YOU need out of this? (If not, why stay?)


Quote:
Originally Posted by triolove View Post
But i guess i am wrong for wanting anything.
No, you are not wrong for having your own wants. But saying it in this way just sounds defeatist, like you are giving in to them pushing you around..."poor me - I guess nothing that I want can be important, do what you want to me...sob, sob." If that is actually your attitude, then no one else can "help" you stand up for what you want - you have to do that for yourself.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
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  #6  
Old 03-03-2013, 03:45 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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May I ask what sort of conversations did the three of you have wrt her status in the family, special days/events?

For example, does she have two anniversaries or isn't that even considered?
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  #7  
Old 03-03-2013, 04:28 PM
triolove triolove is offline
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I am the wife. She is the gf with a kid. it was my five year anniversaries. She had one with me and him.
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  #8  
Old 03-03-2013, 03:50 PM
triolove triolove is offline
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Red face

I do get upset sounding when things don't go well. So the way I act I am she plays a big part in things. As for trying to making it hard she said she did not want us to make a day without her cause we are a trio now. I do understand that part but I don't understand is how am I to not do anything on a day like that with just me and him.


As for getting alone time with him, she said if that needed then what is the point of her being here. I told her me and him need to be strong for our trio to work. I have told them I don't want a date or a whole day without her. I would be happy with a 30 min drive. But she gets upset cause he don't ask her to run to the store with him. Things are just getting so hard..

I have lay in down of that I need from all this. He dose want to get alone time with me but if she going to freak out then he don't want to upset her. That I do get cause it throw the whole family off when one of us is upset. So I think I need to be less bitchy and bossy of things.
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