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  #1  
Old 11-10-2010, 01:58 PM
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Jodi Jodi is offline
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Default Have you ever wanted more from a partner?

good morning. has anyone ever felt that their polymorous relationship was at a standstill? like you want a deeper connection to the person, but it's not happening?

i feel like that now, but i don't want to push the issue, bcz i feel that i should be happy w/ the loving that i get....and give. i do kind of feel it's unbalanced, that i care a bit more, but he says that he just doesn't verbalize it. i try to discuss, hint, etc. i havne't discussed this w/ his wife, one of my best friends. she not that receptive to deep discussions and suffers pretty badly from ADD. we have spoken about some things tho, but mainly we joke around, and share loving our children.

i can't believe how much it's been bumming me out lately. it's been 6 months that we're together and i adore him. i respect their space and create no drama, and it has gone really well. these feelings are coming about a little stronger now. i sometimes feel like an afterthought, and it's not a good feeling. i've even thought about stopping seeing him one evening per night.

thanks. i feel like i need a hug, reassurance. ugh.
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Old 11-10-2010, 02:15 PM
Wayne Wayne is offline
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It's hard to tell what you "should" be getting, and really hard to tell the difference between "doing the best he can in his situation" and "he's really not that into you".

We've been up against a similar thing. An LDR that claims to be unhappy where he is, but spent a few years (and counting) not moving. But he loves her, or so he says? What's the deal?

What does your guy do to show he cares?
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Old 11-10-2010, 03:04 PM
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right, i understand wht you mean, he's far away, but one/I and perhaps ur wife needs to validated, or have my feelings validated.

i think it might be something as simple as seeing him more tbh. the one night per week goes so fast. tonight's our night, so i'll see how it goes.

i really appreciate you replying to my post.

what does he do to show he cares?
- fixes little things at my place when he comes over

- texts me back when i text him that i want his body...he has trouble sexting, so i've lightened up on that. but puts lots of x's and o's on text.

- kisses and hugs me when we're together

thanks wayne.

- he watches my children along w/ his so his wife/my friend and i can go out.

- he'll say that he really appreciates dinner or that i look hot.

lol, this all sounds silly. but it's the truth. i hv tothink about this more.
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Old 11-10-2010, 03:23 PM
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YES. I want so much more from my boyfriend. I want a future with him. But the cards are against us. He's 28, I'm 46. My kids are half grown and I'm not having any more, and I already have a wonderful husband whom I adore. Boyfriend wants a primary partner of his own, and although I could theoretically move him in with us and consider him co-primary with my husband down the road, I don't think he wants that. He wants his own wife, and maybe a family of his own too, and neither he, or I, really think he's committed to being poly for the long haul anyway. He only came to this lifestyle as a workaround for a sexless marriage, which is likely to end within the year anyway.

I feel myself falling for him and I resist it as hard as I can. I know he sees me as a good friend he can sleep with, even though he's too gentlemanly to think about it like that consciously. He's charming and sweet and caring but not romantic in the slightest. It's probably better for me that he isn't, because then I'd be a goner, and it would be that much harder losing him down the road.

I'm just trying to live in the moment and cherish my time with him while I have it.
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Old 11-10-2010, 03:47 PM
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gwendolyn, that is so bittersweet. howdo you know that once u are divorced (i hope i read that correctly) that u and he can't build a future together.

i understand about the kid thing tho. at 46...i'm 40 something too...u don't want to start making babies again.

i admire your strength, bcz it must be hard...sounds like you're in limbo.

can you talk to him more about the future, there may be other solutions? he may not be comfortable in a mono relationship w/ another woman down the line.

i wish you the best. affairs of the heart.
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:02 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Hi Jodi. It's actually boyfriend's marriage that is likely ending down the road, because his wife figured out she's gay and no longer wants to be married to a man. He'd actually stay in the marriage if it was up to him, he still loves her despite the fact that she treats him like dirt, from what I can see. My own marriage is still great after 22 years together, four of them poly. So I can't offer boyfriend marriage, and I certainly can't offer him kids of his own. And he says he was perfectly comfortable with monogamy, until his wife dropped the "Guess, what, I'm gay" bomb. C'est la vie, right?

Thanks so much for your words of support, it's great to be able to communicate with people who actually get what this feels like. My mono friends and relatives would just say, you love your husband, why would anyone want more than that?

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 11-10-2010 at 04:05 PM.
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Old 11-11-2010, 02:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jodi View Post
good morning. has anyone ever felt that their polymorous relationship was at a standstill? like you want a deeper connection to the person, but it's not happening?

i feel like that now, but i don't want to push the issue, bcz i feel that i should be happy w/ the loving that i get....and give. i do kind of feel it's unbalanced, that i care a bit more, but he says that he just doesn't verbalize it. i try to discuss, hint, etc. i havne't discussed this w/ his wife, one of my best friends. she not that receptive to deep discussions and suffers pretty badly from ADD. we have spoken about some things tho, but mainly we joke around, and share loving our children.

i can't believe how much it's been bumming me out lately. it's been 6 months that we're together and i adore him. i respect their space and create no drama, and it has gone really well. these feelings are coming about a little stronger now. i sometimes feel like an afterthought, and it's not a good feeling. i've even thought about stopping seeing him one evening per night.

thanks. i feel like i need a hug, reassurance. ugh.
It could be that the whole thing has run it's course and that the relationship dynamic needs to change to something a little less formal... friends with benefits? intimate friends? a non-sexual boyfriend? a secondary relationship while you have a primary and so does he... ? don't be afraid to change things up, they can change again if you both find that you prefer something different... the whole thing is fluid and no one had to say good bye... just figure out what goals have come about and what new things you want to create in your life, and then embrace that and go for it.
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  #8  
Old 11-11-2010, 03:06 AM
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thanks friends.
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Old 11-11-2010, 05:06 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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I understand this feeling all too well. I have a boyfriend of just over a year who isn't able to tell me he loves me. He is very caring and affectionate. He just has issues with the "3 little words" but sometimes I feel it's more than that. I can't help but wonder what our future holds sometimes, I would really like some sign of a deeper relationship between us. I would love to exchange rings someday, have a commitment ceremony. He's had long term relationships before me, without marriage and he's said he's not interested in marriage. I'm already married, so an actual legal marriage isn't possible for he & I, but I long for him to truly be my "partner" in life - not just someone I have fun with and care about.
Some days it just feels so hard to be in love with someone who doesn't return that love. I've done my best to assure him of my feelings, I never want him to feel "second best" to my husband. I love them both so much.
I wish I could just accept our relationship as is, it's a "work in progress".
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  #10  
Old 11-11-2010, 01:55 PM
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My boyfriend and I recently discussed this very thing. He said "I want more from this relationship" I agreed with him. I had been keeping it on the DL because he had previously expressed a desire to have a mono relationship with someone who could give him kids and a sort of parent friendly life. Our relationship has grown to the point though that he is willing to sacrifice that for what we offer him in love and friendship. He's even talking about being poly oriented because he doesn't want to lose me.

So R, J and I talked and came to the conclusion that it would be great to try to live together. There are a few caveats though which make this a long drawn out process. He lives 3hrs away, has a career he's been in a long time, lives in a town he loves, has cats (i have allergies).

We own our house and have to stay in it as our primary res for another two years because of the first time home buyers credit, have dogs, are trying to get debt down so I can leave my job of 15years, and we live too close to R's parents for him to feel comfy as he is not out yet to them. So lots of stuff to deal with. None of it insurmountable we are working toward this goal but it will be a while. In the mean time we have made plans to see each other one possibly two weekends a month until then and we now vacation together. This worked out beautifully last weekend. We all had such a wonderful time.

But for us wanting more came with lots of discussion, options, and plans. If he had a wife and/or kids that would further complicate things. For now we are content. He's coming down for Thanksgiving to hang with his family and come and meet my siblings for the first time. We are pretty excited.

With open honest communication and a couple of fantastic people to be in love with we are getting the more we are looking for. It is working out so far and I have faith that it will continue to do so. However, I am not so attached to the idea of together forever or that nothing will change to not be able to let go should that time come. Of course I would be broken hearted but I would survive it. I just have to keep reminding myself to let it roll. R and I were together 8 years before the desire for more happened. Hang in there.
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