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  #1  
Old 02-25-2013, 04:01 PM
rox rox is offline
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Default Primary In Closed Triad Feeling Left Out

Hi

I'll try to explain this situation as best I can. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. I identify as bi, very strongly lean toward same sex, but love my husband. For the past 2 years I became very, very close to a friend of the same gender. She and I became incredibly close, talked multiple times a day about everything via text. Very much grew to love her, there was nothing physical about it. (or at least nothing acted on because I thought that wasn't a possibility, and it was a pure love in every sense of the word.)

Then we decided, with his permission, to date each other. In no time he was introduced into the picture, and we decided to try to be a three-way relationship. A closed triad.

That's when everything changed. He and she started their relationship, and very quickly the intensity grew to a level I couldn't have dreamed. I don't begrudge them that, but she and I no longer talk constantly. He and she do. When we're in the same room together the heat between them is unbelievable ... they spend minutes at a time practically devouring each other with their eyes. Then they'll remember I'm there and toss an "i love you" my way, or touch my arm. Talk about getting crumbs off their table ...

I do not want to be the jealous shrew. I want to chalk some of this up to NRE, but really, she and I are a new relationship too, at least physically. Emotionally, no. That's been awhile. But how much does that come into play?

I'm very rapidly becoming constantly miserable. She'll respond to one of my touches lightly but practically climb all over him when he comes into the room. In bed, it's all equal and she and I have amazing sex. But the intimacy during the day is so lacking. The closeness. I miss her.

Any advice?
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Old 02-25-2013, 04:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could determine what you want from each (behavior) first. Then could print that out and give it to her/him. Then say something like...

  • I feel like this. (printed thing).
  • I would like more of this (behaviors.)
  • Could you each be willing to do that so I can feel less left out?


What ARE the behaviors you would want from each? More texting from her again? When you are in the room in trio, to behave in trio fashion when you share watching a movie or something? And not be doing bedroom eyes at each other? Cuz they could take that to the bedroom?

Could you list?

HTH!
Galagirl
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Old 02-25-2013, 04:53 PM
rox rox is offline
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Those are helpful suggestions, thanks! I really do want to concisely present to them what is troubling me, because I do want this to last. Just so hard feeling like the less-desired member of the triad.
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Old 02-25-2013, 05:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Well, it sounds like you have the need to be included.

And if it turns up when you talk to them that they point out to behaviors where you ARE being included but you perceive that you are not... Maybe it is the need to be reassured then.

Could sit with it a bit and see how it is you feel and what needs you want met are not being met.

GG
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Old 02-25-2013, 05:10 PM
rox rox is offline
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That makes tons of sense. There is a TON of NRE (I think that's what's going on) in the room whenever they're in it. I'm not sure they can do anything about that. I do feel so much lack of emotional intimacy lately, yet also a lack of sexual desire. Like I said before, when we're having sex there is no lack of desire or actions - it's amazing. But ... I'm not getting the bedroom eyes and the unbelievable, unable-to-be-controlled desire. Ugh. I'm confusing myself the more I talk.
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Old 02-25-2013, 05:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You sound clear to me. I perceive something like this...

I want emotional intimacy things. Things like:
  • spending time with me texting on the cel phone, emailing, phone talk, or face time talk. SOME kind of daily reconnection thing.
  • Spend time talking to me in deeper conversation than quick tossed "Love ya!" Maybe weekly?
  • spend time wooing me with words because I like hearing them.

I am ok for sex intimacy (of the body). The sex acts we share are yummy and good

I am not ok for sex intimacy (when sex is an expression of emotional intimacy)
because I am lacking in emotional intimacy things.


Is that the ball park? The outlines? If so, maybe you could take that and pend some time coloring it in with specific examples and behaviors you would like from your partners so you emotional intimacy needs could be met better.

The other thing you could do is spend time cultivating friendships. Because they will need their alone time. Just like you and him need alone time. You and her need alone time. So when it is their turn for alone time, could be prepared to give it and could be prepared to spend the time with yourself doing something else that you enjoy doing, alone or with other friends.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-25-2013 at 05:22 PM.
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