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  #1  
Old 02-21-2013, 04:28 PM
Sabriana Sabriana is offline
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Default reconnecting primary after another partner? :(

My husband had sex with his new partner and I had intimacy not resulting in sex with my new partner last night.

I feel an incredible amount of closeness to my new partner afterwards. i feel his skin against mine every time i close my eyes... i feel his lips on my shoulder, my breasts, my leg... every time i brush against something or the air hits me. i'm pretty much on cloud 9 about it.

I didnt ask for details about their interaction and I dont want any. The problem I'm having now, is that I feel kind of... distanced? from my primary. He wants to reconnect after last night, and I just dont want him touching me. I want my new guy to touch me. Obviously I cant say that to him because it would hurt him, but I dont want it. I dont want to kiss, to hug, to be touched by his hand....

I'm hoping that will fade in a day or two or that I'll find a way to understand it. Has anyone else experienced this? I feel a lot of guilt about feeling this way, but its how I feel. My husband and I have not always been on the best terms regarding poly. I had a boyfriend and he was hurt by the amount that I loved him (and never told me until the very end), and in the end I left my love for my husband's comfort (among other more logical and very valid reasons) a year ago. Then he had someone and during their relationship he lied to me and broke agreed upon boundaries over the remaining year on atleast 3 occasions...

I'm confused. Not sure why I feel this detachment Is it because I feel this overwhelming new attachment to my new guy? Or is it because of him being with another woman after he hurt me so much with the last one? I just dont know.


**edit** Sorry just wanted to apologize for not introducing myself before making this my first post. I have not posted here before but was desperate to find feedback from people who might understand and yet wouldn't be read by others in my circle.

Last edited by Sabriana; 02-21-2013 at 04:37 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-21-2013, 04:48 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Default Validity!

You were hurt and healing that injustice is hard. As much as people think they can move on it doesn't always happen. Also, do u think that knowing he's had intercourse relations with another woman while you refrained of intercourse with your new guy could be adding a hint of jealousy? Are you thinking you should have just gone all the way? It's normal. Those are called human feelings! Everyone is conflicted with strong emotional attachments to new and exciting avenues!
Fear not! You are not alone. And no I don't mean the aliens are coming.
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:01 PM
Sabriana Sabriana is offline
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@Malfunktions Thank you for responding. Things with myself and my new guy just kind of progress at a slower rate. The first time we split off for seperate dates, he and I drove around for 5 hours, way into the early morning, and did nothing more than talk (which was amazing! hard for me to feel that comfortable with someone) and 2 quick kisses. That same night they'd stripped completely naked, grinded all over eachother, both got off twice and did everything they could short of switch body fluids or have sex. It would have been easier for THEM if i'd had sex with my guy, maybe easier for me and my husband, but not easier for my new relationship. (if that makes sense?) because it wasnt right. I spent the first hour just awed and amazed at how good his skin felt and how he looked without a shirt on. i savored every experience and every moment and we just were in a better spot only doing those things.

So more of a conundrum, but not one I know that I would have changed just to make things better in another relationship at the risk of cheapening the amazing experience and resulting connection itself.
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:34 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Welcome.

It could be both. Your partner hurt you and you lost your trust, of course you feel disconnected and insecure around him. You definitely need to work on this and tell him what is going on right now.

And you are totally lost in NRE with your new guy. That's normal as well. Additionally to this emotional state your new partner didn't hurt you yet (I guess) and it's just all new and shiny. It's impossible that you won't see him in a brighter light than your husband.

I would regard those two relationships seperately. The relationship with your husband needs work! Do the work and try to reconnect, but for this to happen he has to earn your trust first. The relationship with your new partner is just that: new. Start slowly, see where it goes, try to not compare him to your marriage and try not to think of the relationship of your husband too much. That's no gamescore the both of you try to achieve and settle. Take your time and try to solve each matter in the given context.

Good luck
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:31 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Welcome to the forums. Sorry you're a little confused and guilty. Part of what you're dealing with is NRE (New Relationship Energy) with your new partner. The NRE makes you bond with your new partner and that can make you feel as if he and he alone is the one for you, and can make you blind to the needs of your primary. That's why you see a lot of advice to people in the grips of NRE to make a conscious choice to make sure they are at least giving their primary some of that energy.

Your situation is more complicated because of the hurt involved. Your primary lied and crossed boundaries. Is it possible that you need to slow down on the polyamory until these hurts are better healed? Have you and your primary worked on these issues and worked to improve the openness and honesty between you?
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:37 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome,


Why is it obvious that you cant tell your husband that right this minute you dont want his touch and that you want the BF touch ??? Maybe he feels the same way and wont be particularity hurt or upset ...AND it's the truth.

Honesty is a critical component in poly relationships no matter how painful some things are to hear.

Wouldn't you want to know if he was forcing himself to be intimate with you?? Doing mind tricks to be able to perform....

Last edited by dingedheart; 02-21-2013 at 05:47 PM.
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Old 02-21-2013, 06:22 PM
Sabriana Sabriana is offline
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@learninginTN we should have worked through this before moving forward. We had actually decided to focus on US instead of outside relationships this year after having had to ask our third to move out in a really unpleasant situation, and decided to just have fun together. So he sets up a double date for us with a friend and her husband. (hey wife, we never hang out with other couples, why dont we ask y & z if they will go have dinner with us?) Somehow, within a matter of days of that discussion, my primary fell for this girl and she fell for him (they'd been talking for months already but I had thought it was platonic), and her husband had apparently liked me for quite some time that I hadnt been aware of. I wasnt prepared for this but I like them and was hoping to make it work. At first I felt like being with the husband was like a... "have to"? because my husband and his wife were together, and I was pretty resentful of that... but the more I talk to him, the more I like him for him, and inspite of the situation, not because of it. I really never expected to have "NRE" issues with my new guy, because we've both gone really slow as far as dating without much intimacy, prior to last night.

I guess I just dont know how to tell my husband that I dont want him right now... and I dont think its just because I had a good night with my guy as much as the fact that he was with someone else and I've withdrawn from him about it. I was afraid that I would not be able to handle it, that I'd have some severe emotional response and want to pummel him or something (not that i'd actually DO that, just figured that amount of anger). I thought I'd call an end to the whole thing if i couldn't handle it... but i dont feel that way. i feel almost... numb to them being together. Not happy about it, not sad about it. Just seperated from it... the only thing I feel like I need a break from is the unwanted attention of my husband.
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Old 02-22-2013, 02:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Is your husband aware of the forum and or your involvement here?

Why not invite him to read this thread?


Also there are several threads written about this reaction of not wanting to sexual with a spouse after the intro of a new partner ....not sure how you'd find them but there out there....and you're not alone.


I would warn against doing things out of obligation....or as some here have suggest fake it til you make it. Unless you exceptional at faking it ....it could create its own negative spiral.

Last edited by dingedheart; 02-22-2013 at 02:49 PM.
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  #9  
Old 02-22-2013, 03:22 PM
Sabriana Sabriana is offline
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My husband is not on this forum at all that I'm aware of, although I talked to him last night about this whole thread and my feelings.

I guess I could have just searched the past threads instead of looking for a personal take on things and I hope that was not out of line. I looked but I did not look really hard, because I was trying to understand it myself.

I told him that I feel very distant from him, that I didnt want him to kiss me, or touch me, but I asked him to do those things with me last night anyways, thinking that I could just move through it and the distance would dissapate. Instead, he touched me sexually and I just (completely unexpectedly) burst into tears. I had been so busy trying to be "ok" with things, that I hadnt even figured out what I was feeling to begin with. (so much with being good about 'faking it' huh?) I was totally in shock. I cried and we talked and talked and then we had sex, I had an orgasm, and yup..cried again. I am someone who VERY seldom cries so the whole thing took me immensely by surprise. I'm still feeling a little less good about being with him than I wish I did, but better overall. It ended up not being about the new guy at all, but about him being with someone again after he hurt me. The second he touched me I had a flash of him with his new girlfriend and it hurt...way more than I could have ever anticipated. (and I've been poly with him before this)

I wish I was over him hurting me already. Its getting old even for me.

Last edited by Sabriana; 02-22-2013 at 03:26 PM.
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