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Old 11-01-2010, 02:44 PM
RBMaelstrom RBMaelstrom is offline
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Default Pregnancy - how to help my primary

Hey all, thanks in advance for reading this post and for offering any advice that you might have.

My primary and I have been together for 9 years now. We just got married earlier this year, but we've been commonlaw/effectively married for about 3 years now. We're a couple in our late 20s and my wife and I recently decided that we're at about the right stage of life for us to have a child. (decent jobs, house, car, as debt free as we're going to get with those, etc.)

About 2 months ago, my wife became pregnant. For reasons of caution (read: having everyone go yay, and then something goes wrong), we haven't told anyone. I haven't even told my secondary girlfriend.

My wife however has hit me with one hell of a conundrum. She is worried that, in her words, "When she's big and fat, I can just run off and sleep with (her)". I love my wife to death. My secondary and I have a long history of friendship and sexual tension. After a long time of trying to get together in this secondary fashion, we have. I also care about her deeply.

I don't want to lose either.. but recognize that I may not have another option. I try to make sure that my wife feels loved, cared for, beautiful and fantastic every day. .. I don't feel like it's making the difference. Help?

Last edited by RBMaelstrom; 11-01-2010 at 02:45 PM. Reason: Typos.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:57 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RBMaelstrom View Post
I try to make sure that my wife feels loved, cared for, beautiful and fantastic every day. .. I don't feel like it's making the difference. Help?
Welcome to the world of pregnancy hormones. Sorry, I don't have any specific advice as it regards to poly relationships in this situation, but I would suggest you read up on dealing with pregnant women. Preganacy can turn a completely calm rational women into a raving lunitc at the drop of a hat. Hopefully others will have better advice for you.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:27 PM
RBMaelstrom RBMaelstrom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Welcome to the world of pregnancy hormones. Sorry, I don't have any specific advice as it regards to poly relationships in this situation, but I would suggest you read up on dealing with pregnant women. Preganacy can turn a completely calm rational women into a raving lunitc at the drop of a hat. Hopefully others will have better advice for you.
This I understand, and I have done some reading on the subject. But her concern seems rational enough, even if based in emotion. That said, I have no idea on how to assuage it.
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:09 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I think here is a great place to really reinforce that a wonderful relationship is deeper than surface stuff. (appearance, sex drive etc).
Let her SEE (via actions) that your love for her is if anything stronger !

Like Snecail said, it's going to hormonal for awhile, and then you'll be dealing with the little one consuming disproportionate amounts of her time and energy. This is just what kids are about.

Reassure her you expect & understand these things and that your bond will only grow deeper - if maybe in a slightly different manner. But it's all good if you let it be.

You'll hopefully get lots more good advice from the ladies who have actually gone through this.

GS
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:01 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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If your wife and girlfriend are somewhat close, I would suggest she take an active role in supporting your wife as well (and makes it clear she'll be available to take care of the child after birth so you two can still have dates) so that it feels more balanced to your wife. And your being there for her throughout the pregnancy should help her.

In any case, I would suggest telling your girlfriend about the pregnancy, as it will affect her as well, and I feel if it was me, I would feel left out if I wasn't told as early as possible.

Other than that, I think your wife will probably have the same kind of reactions as other pregnant women tend too. What I mean is, sure you're poly and therefore she can accuse you of neglecting her for your girlfriend, but if you weren't she could either accuse you of the same with your pals, or of cheating on her, etc.
At any rate, it's important to realise these concerns are probably very real for her, and to be reassuring, and at the same time not to take them too personally as a lot of it might be due to the pregnancy and not your relationship.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:05 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I assume a V relationship-are they friends? Do they even KNOW each other?
These things matter in terms of dealing with her insecurities.

Also-she says she fears that you will run off to "her" when she's fat...

YOU say that you fear you may have to give "her" up....

Did SHE say that she wanted you to break it off?
i ask, because I felt that way in a MONOGOMOUS relationship during EVERY pregnancy. I expressed the fear-every time I saw what I perceived as a hot chick.
And every time was reassured that yes-she was a hot chick "but not as hot as you angel, you burn me with your sexiness" usually accompanied by a soft touch to my HUGE belly.

If she's needing reassurance, she should say so. But you shouldn't feel like you have to SOLVE it. Just reassure it.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:06 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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"sweetheart! What do you mean fat? You're going to be huge with the growth of our love in you!"

"honey, don't you know that you are just going to be sexier when our baby is pressing out to show off to the world?"

"baby! I don't think that ANYONE is sexier than a woman carring the greatest gift of our love! Are you KIDDING?!?!"
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:15 AM
RBMaelstrom RBMaelstrom is offline
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I appreciate all of the advice that you guys have given. And largely, that's what I try to do most days. It's also really the plan. I tried to make sure she felt good and thoroughly loved this evening, which is all I can hope for in a day. I'll continue to do that.

I suppose that I was looking for magical words or perhaps some gap in logic that I was missing. But largely it seems to be a matter of making sure that I prioritize her, which was always the plan.

No, she hasn't said that she wants me to break it off. But she did make an off-hand remark the other week about how it'd be easier. It did concern me.

They are reluctant friends I'd say. One day, my wife and her are great friends and get along. Other days it's like snake and mongoose.

And finally, heheh, thanks.. those are some good ones. I'll have to remember them.
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