Coming out to friends and problems

[coolkat8]

Hi all. I've been married 15 years and have a secondary, J who is monogamous and who I've been with for 6 months. Things have been great with J, he makes me so happy and we have been able to build a wonderful relationship. I have only come "out" to a couple friends and they were supportive. My fears are always that I will lose friendships and be judged so I never came out to most friends and no family. J is divorced and does not want to get married again or have kids (he has 3 from a previous marriage). I do not want children so it works well for us. We have done great balancing our time and have had few disagreements. He recently came out to his two close friends who are women. Its been a lot of drama since then. I thought it would make it easier as we go to events together and J and I can be open about our relationship. The one friend L, in particular has been giving him such a hard time and cannot understand our relationship. She thinks its wrong and made him feel bad because I took "vows" and he will be going to hell because of what he is doing. (OMG, I'm so angry even as I write this) She even went so far as to encourage another woman to hit on J at a party which pissed me off so bad. L's arguments with J are as follows:

What do you get out of this relationship? (we did laugh at this one as he is happy and fulfilled with me)

Don't you want someone of your own?

You are going to break up a marriage. (again, no concept of poly)

There were so many single women at the last party last week, why didn't you ask any out? (again, he is monogamous and only wants me, he is 46 and it is harder to find someone you have a connection with)

We went out one night to a bar and L totally ignored me. she knows NOTHING about me as a person. If you are really good friends with a person, wouldn't you want to get to know people they are involved with? ? She is devaluing our relationship like it means nothing by encouraging other women and asking him to ask other women out. Its like it means nothing because I'm not single which is bogus I know. As of right now, I refuse to go to any social functions if L is going to be there. It feels too tense and uncomfortable.

I didn't sleep last night and my husband did say that J has to work this out which I know but I'm still very upset about all this.

any thoughts or advice would be helpful on this.

K

[MeeraReed]

I feel your pain, and I would have at least one sleepless night in that situation.

I think you're right to be clear that you are too uncomfortable to hang out with L until she cools the drama and behaves as if she respects your relationship with J.

But, as your husband said, that's really J's issue to deal with. Is he dealing with it appropriately? How did he respond when L pushed him to hit on other girls?

(I would be majorly pissed off in your place. Why is it that women are so judgmental of each other? Why do they feel they can manipulate other women's relationships?)

And remember, the best revenge is living well. Keep on going about your business, and L will eventually get the idea that your relationship with J is awesome and healthy.

Maybe at some point, you and your husband can socialize with J and L, and you can talk to her openly about poly. (Probably not worth trying, though, as L sounds like kind of a narrow-minded tool).

[coolkat8]

Thanks for your reply. I know its his issue but when she continues to say things like "the relationship is going nowhere" it burns me up! He just needs to squash this and I do hope in the future we can openly talk about our relationship with L.

[sparklepop]

I sympathise with you and I know what this is like.

Ultimately, Meera hit the nail on the head. The best revenge is living a happy and fulfilling life. They aren't there when you are snuggled up on the sofa, when you are having Earth-shattering sex, when you are warm and glowy because you've found the ideal fit in each other.

To hell with what other people say. And whilst we're on the subject of hell - I find that a good response to idiots that say these things is "only God can judge us - and judging me is blasphemy". It usually shuts people up fast.

I have spent my entire life developing a thick skin about people's opinions, but even now, at 28, of course it can be difficult. I came out as a lesbian when I was only 13 and found that the best way to put a dampener on any unwanted opinions was to answer questions as if they were almost boring to me. Matter of fact, open, blase. When people pushed it too far, I'd tell them. As adults, we need to have even more of an ability to do this. As horrible as this is for J, he needs to defend himself and your situation and speak honestly, with strength and dignity. In terms of yourself, you could always speak to L and give her a piece of your own mind - but that is entirely down to you.

If this helps at all, I completely understand what it feels like to be judged, abhorred and completely ignored by those who are meant to be close. My girlfriend's father's wife won't allow me in their house. My girlfriend's mom literally doesn't look at me, doesn't speak to me, doesn't acknowledge my voice when I try to speak to her. She stares right through me as if I literally do not exist. It's an awful feeling. Eventually, my girlfriend decided that enough was enough. She told her father that nobody, including our daughter, would be coming to their house until they got their act together - and she told her mother that they would have no contact until she found some way of dealing with it. Since then, things are still frosty, but my presence is at least acknowledged.


Sometimes, you have to stand up with the strength of your convictions. You also have to keep your head high and ignore the rest of the world.

Just remember that they care for their friend and think they are doing what's best for him. In time, they may come around. It's up to J to encourage that .