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Old 10-27-2010, 04:37 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Location: Alberta, Canada
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Default Losing old connections when you form new ones

This thought came about from rather sad circumstances.

To put it as briefly as possible, my husband had need to travel out of province to see his family after his Grandad passed away. His Mom knows about us being poly, but is not especially supportive (interestingly enough because she tried it and it didn't work for her!).

Anyway, my husband felt very uncomfortable around his family. He didn't feel a great need to discuss his own personal life, he said it just felt awkward to be around them, they didn't 'feel' like his family.

I kinda feel the same way about my own family. I still care about them, but since they don't accept me being poly, I find myself drifting away from them. I'm even considering just avoiding my whole family completely at Christmas time and helping out a colleague with work since they have trouble finding people to work on Christmas day.

I've been seeing a therapist and wasn't expecting to feel this calm about losing the connection I have with my family. They used to be the most important thing in my life, but now I have a new poly family that has become my priority. My blood family is ignorant and judgmental, my poly family is loving and supportive. Kind of a 'no brainer' as to which family I want to devote my time and energy to.

I guess it's not a realistic expectation to have every person you meet stay in your life forever. As you meet new people, move to difference places, life changes, etc. some people get left behind as you move on.

How do some of you deal with people drifting in and out of your life? Do you struggle to maintain a connection or let go?
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:32 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Location: In Redpepper's heart
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I can relate Booklady I have chosen to let go of connections in a lot of cases simply because the two worlds of mono and poly that are around me just don't seem to willing to reach acceptance. Mostly it is old friends but in some cases it is close family ties. There's a part of me that believes the only true way to find complete happiness in my relationship is to completely let go of all things and people from the past. Why is that? Because I don't care what most people think and therefore judgement has little affect on me. But when it is people I have a connection with it is harder to simply ignore their opinions. This is another reason that I am looking forward to retirement from the military; so I can shead a lot of who people believe I am and if they choose to judge I can simply forget them from my life.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:42 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,443

I think it's not just a matter of numbers, but of how people evolve in different ways. I'm still close to some people I rarely see or talk to, whenever we do it's like we never left, and we're the best of friends again.

However, I've lost contacts with my bio family as well. It happened a few years ago, I never came out to them as either poly, childfree or vegetarian (the latter being the one I know they'd take the worst, go figure).
So there isn't really a "they don't accept me the way I am now that I've come out". There was a disconnect even before then, really.

I can't seem to be saddened by it. These people were very important to me as I grew up, and I share memories and running jokes with them that nobody else does. But they're like these roommates I used to have, that I wasn't really compatible with, but hey, you live together so you make the best of it, and some of your memories will be positive ones.

So I guess compared to you I have lost them, as they were never that close, and I never saw myself staying close to them my own life... Blood connections don't mean you get along with people, have the same values, have the same goals.

But there were friends I was close to who just changed in a way diametrically opposed to mine, and we just drifted apart. This is sadder, as they are people I chose to spend time with, and in the end, we just lost one another. It's particularly sad when I try to keep in touch and they are the ones with other interests and who don't respond or seem to care.

In the end, the people I have in my life right now are the ones who know and understand me best. They're the supportive ones. They're the ones I want to be with, and it makes it all better, because as sad as it is to lose people you cared for, I'm still incredibly lucky. I think that's what really matters in the end
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
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Old 10-27-2010, 01:43 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Booklady,

Yea - I agree with what Tonberry mentioned regarding blood. Really, in the bigger scheme of things, it doesn't automatically mean a thing. Funny, I've had this same conversation with another close friend of mine who was struggling over why blood family just wasn't connecting (nothing to do with poly etc).

I guess what we need to remember in the end is that we are all just individual spirits drifting along our own paths. Along the way, people will come in and out of our lives at various times, for various reasons. In reality - blood family are just more of those individuals. The key seems to be perceiving the reasons - NOT whether their appearance was of our own design.
I think this phenomenon brings a lot of people to poly. At first many think it's about sex, or filling in missing pieces, or getting needs met etc etc. But to me it just feels that something larger and more mysterious is at work. And my natural curiosity is enough to keep me fully engaged Seems I'm constantly living in a "welllllllll - what do we have HERE mode !".

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