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Old 02-16-2013, 09:29 AM
ConfusedPartner ConfusedPartner is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18
Default Relationship in crisis. Help

Hi all,
I need help.
I entered into a relationship with my partner more than a year ago with the understanding that it would be an open relationship...we would share adventures together, and group sex was not an issue.

Over the past month, my partner, who lives in another town, and whom I see only over the weekends, has developed a relationship with another woman. We had a threesome with her the first day I met her, and he never told me that he had slept with her before. He had, but when asked, he said no. After a blow up over that, I dropped it.

But since then, he has made sent signals that he wants us to be a poly househols. He has never actually talked to me about this and consulted me on whether this was ok with me. When I tried to bring it up, he went balisitc and said I wanted to control the situation. When I tried talking to him about this a second time, he reassured me that his relationship with her was not that important...that I was his focus.

Since then, he has suggested to her (in front of me), that she introduce us to her parents.

I am really confused. What should I do? I am afraid of asking for a group conversation again, because of how angry he was the last time. I am afraid of having a conversation with him in private because he says that I always complain and "make him pay" for having a good time and bringing adventure to our lives.

So confused. I did not sign up for a poly relationship...and I feel like I'm being manipulated into one.
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:35 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,580

Originally Posted by ConfusedPartner View Post
I did not sign up for a poly relationship...and I feel like I'm being manipulated into one.
Ordinarily I don't buy in to statements like this, but in this instance I'd agree with you. He's not being honest (with you) and doesn't sound like he plans on starting that trend any time soon.

In the end, you decide what kind of relationship you are in. Be honest with yourself when you are figuring this out. Do you not want to be in a more poly set-up because you weren't asked? Or is it against your fundamental worldview entirely, regardless of how it was presented? Once you feel like you have a handle on what you want then you get started on the task of deciding how to go about getting it.

Either way, if what you are saying is the unbiased truth, you both need to do a great amount of work on your communication skill set.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 02-17-2013, 05:54 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,810

Could just state all that you state are your problems to him:

1) I agreed to an Open relationship. I did not sign up for a poly relationship. What open relationship model are you after?

2) I do not feel physically safe with you. (Lied about sex with her before, could put you at health risk!)

3) I do not feel emotionally safe with you.
  • Blows up angry.
  • Blame shifts to you
  • (In order to avoid serious relationship conversation and being held accountable.)

4) What are his suggestions for getting back into right relationship? Here are your suggestions. What's he willing to do?

BUT BEFORE YOU EVEN GO THERE... could examine this. Why do you want to be with an unsafe person like this? Why be with this guy? What does he bring to you that is wonderful, loving and kind?

You feel manipulated? That's an alarm bell ringing. Could choose to pay attention. Could spare yourself a LOT of future grief by choosing to sit with that for a while before doing anything else above in purple. Weigh out his worthiness and trustworthiness on your inner balance scale.

Is he worthy of you? Me? I'd walk away.
he says that I always complain and "make him pay" for having a good time and bringing adventure to our lives.
He sounds like he values HIS good time above all others and doesn't want to be held accountable to anything vaguely responsible in an open or poly relationship.

I am sorry you are hurting. Please do take good care of you. Step away from shenanigans. He sounds too shenanigan-y to me.

My 2 cents.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-17-2013 at 05:59 AM.
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Old 02-17-2013, 07:53 PM
doxyflower doxyflower is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 6

I agree. Remember that nobody can/should manipulate you into a relationship that is not right FOR YOU. You have free choice here. I understand Life happens. I'm sure he was not expecting to find himself feeling this way about this other person. But HELLO??? He needed to communicate! Not let things get to the point where he is wanting to share households without having a LOT of communication with you about how he is feeling and how YOU FEEL!

A big flag here is that you are afraid to bring anything up because he gets angry. You are responsible for communicating your needs, he is responsible for his reactions to that communication. Sounds like he is avoiding accountability on many levels which tells me this is not someone who has the emotional maturity to be a partner to ONE...let alone TWO!

Integrity is never something I want to have to negotiate for with someone. It is either there or it isn't. He is lacking in that department...do you truly feel he could earn your trust again?

HUGS to you and hang in there. Take care of YOU here.
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Old 02-17-2013, 10:57 PM
jmk jmk is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: central massachusetts
Posts: 35

all i can do is re-iterate all the good advise given above, and tell you that if it doesn't feel right to you, it isn't right.
crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend
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Old 02-17-2013, 11:35 PM
ConfusedPartner ConfusedPartner is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18
Default Thanks!

Thank you all for your advice and comments.
Since I posted this, my partner and I have had a conversation, in which I sensed honesty and clarity from him. I did not feel manipulated.

He has told me that he lied about sex with her and he is sorry for it, that it was not how he should have handled it. He has reiterated that our relationship is fundamental, and that harming our relationship is never on the table.

I am reassured by this, and am willing to give what we have a chance. Looking back, I also can see that I have been interpreting everything he has said and done from the lens of "He lied about this; I can't trust him; I presume the worse."

Your advice that I should ask myself why I am opposed to this is very important, and I am not entirely sure that I have thought that out. He may have been manipulating me into this poly relationship, but I may also have been assessing it through my emotionally wounded perspective. Both can be true at the same time.

So I have decided to go with the flow for now, to be open, and above all, to be open and honest to all parties -- including myself. I will trust him and make my decisions from a positive place rather than a negative one.

This is my hope, anyway. Easier said than done, right? But, emotional manipulation or not, this relationship is worth saving. This has been a bad episode for us...we usually are so much in sync that this lack of communication has left us feeling helpless.

But I feel our conversation has allowed for some clearing of the air. It gives us the opportunity to come at this from a better place...together, rather than at odds.

I hope we can work through this.

Thank you all.
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