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Old 02-14-2013, 10:02 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 17
Default "Happy" Valentine's Day? Sigh.

As a reminder, I'm still new at this, so ...

Of course, it's V-Day. I'm not much for celebrating Hallmark Holidays, and my primary hubby, Danny, and my bf, Michael, know this. And since this poly thing is so new to all of us, I agreed with Danny to stay home with him this evening (and not see Michael) so he doesn't feel abandoned on this stupid holiday (he's been dealing with some major abandonment issues).

However, my bf is having a very hard time today because he'll be alone tonight when he gets home from work. I ache to see him, but I have no desire to cause pain to Danny, and the reason I agreed to staying home was to help Danny while he's adjusting to my polyamory (and Michael has agreed that this is a good idea). The problem is that not seeing each other is becoming more painful by the day for Michael and me and, really, more so for MIchael because he lives alone.

This started with all three of us hanging out together regularly, and it was great at first. It's always been a "V" with me and the two men, and splitting time was easy at first. Now, Danny is having emotional trouble because he sees that Michael and I have become very attached to each other, and Michael and I have agreed to slow and down and allow Danny time to adjust. The problem is that, in the meantime, Michael and I are feeling some very real pain of separation, Michael more so than I because of living alone.

I know I need to continue to be patient if this is ever going to work. We've all talked of cohabitating at some point, but that will be some time away yet before that can work financially. For now, though, I'm very concerned about Michael. I want to reach out to comfort him, yet I can't do so at this time without hurting Danny. It seems there is no easy solution right now.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to share this. Sometimes I wish I wasn't polyamorous.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:23 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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There's a member here who uses the phrase First World Problems.

I don't mean to be cruel, but he's an adult. He agreed to a relationship with a married woman. There are far worse things than spending Valentine's Day alone.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Are Danny's feelings really so strong that he couldn't handle you taking 5 minutes out to call Michael and brighten up his evening? Would that really make him feel abandoned?

That said, I gotta agree at least a little with the last poster -- someone dating a person in a primary relationship should pretty much expect not to see that person on V-day. I mean, you can only be in one place at a time, and like it or not, most people define "romantic evening" as "just the two of us". Can you guys have a special day this weekend, or next week?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:53 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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I kinda have to go with WH here. So many people are miserable and single and today just reminds them how single they are. Both of your guys have you in their lives. Sure, they would both like that to look a little differently... but all things considered, they're not doing too bad.

There are a number of bars in my city having anti-Valentines parties.

Really, it's just another day. You said it first: it's a Hallmark Holiday. People celebrate their love 365 days a year. But today, they celebrate it with cards and candy.

I specifically told both my partners that I didn't want to do anything special this year - no cards, presents, dinners, or anything. On a whim this morning, I did send them a "Happy Valentine's Day" text. I copied the same message from one and forwarded it to the other, that's how much of a big deal I made about it :P

It could be worse. My husband is spending the day flying from Prince George to Edmonton, via Vancouver, and then driving the rest of the way to Saskatoon. My girlfriend is working late and then has to get ready for her drag show this weekend. So no big romance on my front either. But so what? We celebrate our love every time we get together. Hallmark can go fuck itself :P
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:37 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Valentine's Day...

I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:20 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 138

Because polyamory is new to you guys, you need to be really sensitive to Danny's needs now. He's trying to accomodate another lover for his wife, and this takes a lot of trust, time, commitment, and communication. I'm in the position that Danny is in now, so I totally relate to him. He needs to KNOW he is the primary. For now, in his mind, that means he wants the holidays with you. That's not to say things won't change down the road if he gets more comfortable with this new relationship dynamic and you and Danny are in a good place and he's having all his needs met.

I'm with the above posters. Michael knew what he was getting into with a married woman. He should EXPECT the primary to want to spend the holidays with his wife, ESPECIALLY Valentine's Day, which is marketed as a holiday for that "one" special someone in your life. I'm not saying that's fair or that's what Michael or you want, but that is Danny's take on things, and you need to let him adjust to polyamory at his pace.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:53 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
He agreed to a relationship with a married woman.
On its face, I agree with this. Since it sounds like these two men have a distinct ranking, the secondary is just going to have to suck it up or make adjustments if he is not ok with being ranked as a secondary priority.

If you treat these to people as independent adults then they both sound like they need to work on their dependency issues. The fact that you can only be in one place at a time is irrelevant, what is most relevant is that you are not personally responsible for the happiness of either of these fellows. I'm sure you *do* make them happy at times, but that is not (or shouldn't be) because it's your job.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:16 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hey Rocker

So, I went through your old posts to try and figure out a few things. Have you and Michael only been dating since around December?

I guess, the Valentine's thing aside, I'm looking a bit beyond the actual question and wondering what else might be going on. I know you said that Danny had an attraction towards Michael? Has that passed now? Or is it doubly hard for him because he's battling envy *and* jealousy?

If it has only been a few months since you started dating, how fast have you moved? How often have you been seeing Michael? Could it all be a little too fast to reasonably expect Danny to get on board with it? Are you being considerate, patient, supportive, reassuring and loving? Are you ensuring that NRE isn't getting the better of you?

On the other hand, is Danny owning his own issues? When he feels something, can he work out why and come to you for support, rather than a 'fix'?

Finally, something really struck me as the bottom line of all this.

I choose to follow a hierarchical model of poly - nobody is forcing me to do that. For me, it means that I will always put my primary first, because that is what primary means - primary partner, priority person, person I want to be with for the rest of my life, person that means the most to me. That doesn't mean I'm a slave to my primary's every whim - but it does mean that if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I try to think about what will be the best course of action for our future, rather than what I want in the moment.

I do agree that if Michael has chosen to get involved with you, not as a joint primary, but as a secondary, it is going to come with some realistic boundaries and maybe even pitfalls from his perspective. Did you, Danny and Michael ever agree on a dating schedule, or did you sort of drift into seeing Michael as much as you wanted to?

Being the V is hard, so I've been told.... ~grins~ My GF tells me all the time. It's a massive balancing act, for sure. But you can't be responsible for anyone else's feelings - you can only control the way you behave and the way you outline your own expectations.

Anecdote-wise... I am a joint primary to my GF. Her husband is the other primary. She sleeps in their bed most of the time. We agreed pretty early on that she would spend the night with him on Valentine's Day, his birthday, her birthday, Christmas, etc. Those things don't matter to me. I also don't mind if she only spends two nights a week in my bed. I like sleeping with the cats and dogs anyway... At first, her husband was so upset about her sleeping in my room that he would pace around the house at 4am, coughing and making us aware of his distress. It took about 6 months, but he seems to sleep soundly now. We took it slow, but kept it balanced by making intentions and expectations clear. Perhaps you could have that kind of talk with your guys, if you haven't already? i.e. discuss realistic, measurable scheduling and plans for *how* slow you need to go for Danny? Then outlining and discussing these with Michael?
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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