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Old 02-04-2013, 12:15 PM
Jj31337 Jj31337 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
Default Grr.. Mayday

Ok so where to start...
So in sept my gf A and I decided to be primaries. I live 7 hrs away, and see her about every other week or so. She started seeing someone and had been out with him a couple of times. A and I went out to a gathering and B her new friend showed up randomly. I was a little nervous but mostly excited to meet him and attempted to be friendly, said hi and shook hands etc. he was really awkward and didnt talk really, then kind of did the 10' away hover around the group.
I am very good at reading people, body language etc (law enforcement and psych exp.) and tried to be polite and talk a bit. No go kept running off, so I let it be.
Next night we went to a Caberet, and he was there saw us made eye contact and preceded to do the lurk again. I didn't point him out to A figuring he was uncomfortable, and honestly curious what his deal was. We ended up going outside an he was with a group of her friends, she asked if I'd like to say hello, I said sure. He was abrupt and kind of ride to her and dismissive toward me.

Later I related the experiences to A, an said I didn't like the cut of his jib, because of his behavior. He had related that he had limited exp with poly an was awkward in general. My gut said he was a shady but I trust her judgement. There were some issues later on about sharing time and contact.
I have a thin where I like to know where she's goin with whom, but that's for new dates safety wise. But I always ask to know when she gets in safe, I do this with everyone not just partners if I know they are out partying. She agreed...
Then when she went out with him didn't on a few occasions.

We dealt with it, but I still didn't feel great about him because of her behavior, and I hadn't heard a lot of good things. This was a comms issue between A and I which we worked out.

Fast fwd, I'm comfortable with him because I'm hearing nice things, though by the questions he asked her and she related I can infer he thinks I'm controlling, and doesn't like me. But not a problem I'm not, she wouldn't stand for it if I wanted to be lol. But he still makes my gut twitch.

So they have a condom break. She demands he goes and gets tested as he has had other partners.

Comes back positive for an sti, admits that he had condoms break with his other partners... (Has phyisical issues with them regards dimensions but xl are too baggy) however he didnt share it prior. Also since the condominium broke he slept with a good friend whom he's in love with, and didnt tell her about the condom breakage with A or the others.

So I get the news as I'm on my way for a date with my secondary, and have to warn her and have that wonderful talk... An almost get dumped. She's upset and pissed and all kinds of close to dumping me because she doesn't trust A's judgement.

A was extremely upset, she has resounding trust issues and sex issues, so she had a lot invested in B. she immediately blames herself for everything and starts explaining that he didnt know of the risks. B is a 24 yr old physics grad student educated in tx public schools... And graduate of undergrad college. Didnt know that broken condoms can lead to stis... Lied by omission about having other partners with breakages, and then exposed another poly couple. A sees a mistake, I see willful negligence.

I want her to end it with him, because of the trust betrayal and because of health risk incurred, until I could be more comfortable that he was both clean an they could be safe. But I stepped back and just asked that she discontinue her sexual relationship as he had 4 condoms break within 2 months and according to him this has always been an issue... I've been sexually active for 16 yrs and had two break...

Anyway so A has problems maintaining intimacy without sex, we talk a lot. I wan her to acknowledge the blatant lies and bullshit he pulled. She wants to just educate him and crawl back into bed to try and have their back once she can trust him again. I ask for the cease fire on the sex front, feeling like he doesn't respect her health, mine or the other women and their partners etc. and I can't deal with it right now. And for her to take a little space to look at things outside of the emotional state.
this leads to A being miserable because she can't connect and still is reelin from the trust issues. She goes to have the talk, she reads him the riot act about his behavior and states she's not going to sleep with him because of it, her feelings, an out of respect for my wishes for the time being until a solution can be found. He says he understands and wants to earn her trust back, then tells her he's madly in love with the other girl, and oh by the way A also.

FFw about 1 week, A and I are having issues cause of communications , she's non confrontational and wants to avoid stuff. And makes incomplete statements back an forth on the issue. I'm analytical and trying to figure shit out. It's emotionally painful. A has ex issues an wante to go to a party but was insecure because her ex primary was gonna be there with his gfs and she's not comfortable with the openly sexual relations they have at the parties... I offer to take off to come up. She says she's not sure she's going and didnt know if she'd want me to go because of the atmosphere, and her issues with him. I really wante to go, but canceled my plans to come up cause she had work.

She ended up seeing B which I am cool with, he makes her happy so I'm cool. She didnt tell me she was goin to see him, I don't require it but I was supposed to see her and she had work. So I was uncomfortable, I stated that it was fine but it was "eh" because I would have been there and she had agreed to take some space from B. She said she understood, and they were talking stuff through. Then she said she was going to the party after all, I said well that's good wish I was there, and that she could call whenever if she needed support. I remarked while I was upset a bit over the slightly shady situation with be I was cool cause it wasn't like she was taking him instead of me. She said he talked her into going and was waiting for her inside.
I was upset and stated it. She offered to not go, I said that wasn't what I wanted. Just for her to take my wishes into account until stuff with us was settled an we figured it out.

We talk it through the next day and we're good.

Last week I take off mon/tues and come up fri. Haven't seen her in a couple of weeks, and things are ok. I have a lot of stress in my life, an I'm Drivin 7.5 hrs to see her and put stuff to bed as it were. I tell her ill be there between 8 and 11 pm, pending snow. She says ok! See you then ill be free after 5, I get out of work early, and let her know ill be there around 630-730 because of the early out
She says she has dinner plans with B cause she won't get to see him the next week cause she's busy all week and had t seen him cause he was busy. I said ok, she said she'd make it quick. I said its fine ill take my time, and get there @ 8-830. So that she can take her time.

I get up there and I'm supposed to meet her at a bar send a few texts with era as I get close tellin her ill be there at 815, I text when I'm a 15 min out to let her know just in case and get the address for the bar. She responds with oh just ordered another beer, ill finish up and meet you around 9 I'm sorry.

I was cool up till then, now I'm feelin like an afterthought. I was happy to have her get dinner and delay a bit because I was ahead of schedule. But being forced to wait sucked.

Got to the bar at 830, and sat there feeling stupid till 9 then promised myself that if she didnt show by 10 I was leaving.

At 10 of 10 she shows up.

I express my issues venting a bunch ok general before getting to how I feel like an afterthought because I was being nice and not pissed about anything until I felt disregarded by her putting her time with him first. He's local he can make time to see her and vice versa much easier than I.

We talk it out. It's ok, she apologizes I apologize for getting upset.

Sunday we have another argument because I had a nightmare, an needed to talk. It regarded the situation, and how I was feeling insecure because of all this stuff and her fighting me for him and to sleep with him. I said I just needed time and asked her to take some space from him till things settled down. And that I needed to feel like I was being heard an that we came first. She fought with me went and showered. When she came out I was smoking outside and she thought I had left.
She said she was sorry and would do more to reassure me, as I've been handling things with more consideration than most. And that she wanted to make it work.
I leave tues after having a great day Monday with her.

Wed she went out and got tossed with a friend and ended up taking B home.
She fucked him. He asked if she was sure she wanted to do it and drunk her said yes.

Thurs concerns regards how we communicate and deal with conflict.

Tonight she tells me about wed. I am calm an willing to listen. I ask her to listen objectively. I point out that she had prior to this stated that she didnt want to sleep with him because of his issue with condoms Breakin, his violation of her trust, and my reservations.this was the prev fri. Wed she is highly intoxicated and he sleeps with her in that state. I asked her if she would have done it sober. She said no.
I said again he violated trust by doing so when you were impaired.

As for her conduct, I'm still tryin to figure out how to react. As it was a hard line of please don't do this until we are on track again and have a clue.

Now I am hurt and reeling

I'm not looking for the right to veto, or tell her to cut him out. But at what point can I say it's too much. I feel like its a partners job to help and encourage healthy decisions. I'd want her to do it for me.
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Old 02-05-2013, 05:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,121

This is going to be a bit cold and analytical. I'll let others chime in on the emotional issues in your post.

Do a risk analysis of staying with your primary. The problem is not B (although I agree he is untrustworthy at best.) The problem is that A has not behaved in a trustworthy fashion herself. She is not responsible for the condom break but the rest if her behavior is iffy. If she does not change, are you willing to take the additional risks - health wise, yes but also emotional and financial (long distance relationships are not cheap) - being with her means?

Good luck. You are in a difficult position.
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Old 02-06-2013, 12:17 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,276

Hi Jj31337,

It may be time to take a break from your relationship with A for awhile. At least until A starts acting more responsibly about the B situation, and preferably until you've had ample to time to contemplate if A is really a good partner to come back to. I wasn't 100% clear on all that was described in your original post, but I did get the idea that A is putting you on hold while putting B on a pedestal. That's all well and good taking NRE into account, but when STIs and unsafe sex enter the picture, it is much, much more serious.

If you do continue going out with A, be aware that you're likely to get 2nd-class treatment (followed by the obligatory fight, apology, and assurances that things will be different next time), and protect your own health, probably by refraining from doing anything that even *might* result in you getting an STI. And any other partners you have, you have to keep them updated on A's behavior, as their health is at risk too.

What I'm tempted to say is that it's time to cut the ties with A for good, but if you're too emotionally invested for that at this point, at least take steps to protect yourself, emotionally and physically. Change your expectations. You know how she's been acting. That's not likely to change any time soon, if ever. You can't change her actions, you can only change your own actions.

Keep trying to communicate as much as possible, but remember that communication doesn't work very well unless all participants are being 100% honest. To me, it sounds like she's not being 100% honest with you. That's a red flag.

I hope you are able to get to a better place, and take good care of you.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 07-06-2013, 04:29 AM
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polyAnna317 polyAnna317 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 10
Default outcome?

I'm interested to hear the outcome as I went through a similiar situation and I am doubting my decision.

How are things with A? How have you been able to work on the communication aspects of your relationship (assuming it is still there)?

How are things with your secondary? Did she stand by you? My secondary, J nearly left me when I had my scare with K. However now he is a primary . He stood by me when I was at my lowest which I know takes a very strong person. I feel guilty for it though because now he is having trust issues himself. I maintained my relationship with K but he is trying to make me distance myself from J since J no longer trusts him. I have my fears that K will do it again (much like in your example with A) and I cant help but feel disconnected to him at this point.

It has been a struggle the past 9 months working through it but I think I am finally seeing the clearing in the woods.

I wish you the best.

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