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Old 10-18-2010, 08:28 AM
Seekinganswer Seekinganswer is offline
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Default Struggling to breath....

Hi, I found this site after frantically looking for answers about our situation. Im 37, married 12 years with S 41 and 2 kids ( 8 and 11). Two weeks ago, I found out that S had an affair for 9 months. The other woman was an employee working with both of us as S's 25 yr old assistant. I have always had a funny feeling that S was attracted to this woman but he often brushed it off and assured me that he loved me and would never betray me.

After I found out about the affair, he said he felt relieved that it was out in the open and he could finally tell me how tortured he has been the past months. The reason he had the affair was that he developed a strong feeling for this woman which he could not explain and at the same time continued to love me. According to him, this woman had a strong effect on him on a spiritual plane with a kind of "pure" energy that revitalises and calms as well.Just by touching her, he would feel a current running through him to his very core. This really devastated me and I thought perhaps I did not have a right to deny him this chance at having such a relationship. I thought about leaving him so that he can enjoy this with her but he insists that polyamory will only work for him if I am with him. He would like me to share his experiences with him and will not go out on his own with a partner. When I asked him if he was happy with her because if he truelly was, I would let him be. He said, he was tortured the whole time he was with her because he could not share this with me and that leaving him would bring him back to misery lane as well. Sharing this experience with me was important for him and that it would enrich our marriage and take us to another level. Unfortunately apart from discussions of polyamory as a fantasy for the better part of the year, he never owned up to what he was doing behind my back because he did not want to hurt me. In the meantime, he did lots of soul searching, research on the internet, S is convinced that he is one of those people who can love two women at the same time. He has therefore come out as polyamorous.

I am just trying to come to terms with the affair and the gutting pain of betrayal but now S has tabled the suggestion that we should use this as a healing for our marriage ..with the same person with whom he cheated. I have heard that people do transit from cheating to polyamory so I am looking for help on this. I am feeling pressured and cornered and I told him so because instead of trying to repair the damage caused by the affair, we are introducing changes to it at its weakest time. He says its important to make a decision now because he is afraid the affair partner may move on. I feel like the concern is less on helping me heal and more on finding resolve for his affair partner. He says that we should give it a try and spend time together so that I too can experience this energy. According to him, she is the one person who can compliment us..in fact he said, both of us compliment each other very well. However, if I am not willing to accept her, he will, for my sake, bury this and stay with me. How can I consider this step at a time when my emotions are so mangled and trust in our marriage is on zero? How can I start thinking about sharing our life with the same person who has been sneaking around with my husband for 9 months, who I tried to comfort during her depression unbeknown to me that her affair with my husband was the cause of her depression?

I know the solution is not to bury the poly discussion but rather find a resolve that can work out for both of us. However, I have tried to ask my husband for time to heal before we take this step but he will not listen. I am still struggling with mind movies of their affair but he says I should try and use the experience to heal myself and us. I dont know if my mono mind will open up someday and accept this but I need this time to sort my mind out after the affair. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning.... I am sorry for the long post but I need some advice please. Seekinganswer
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:12 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Hello and welcome. The long post is fine . I believe there is a 10,000 word limit per post?

There's not a lot of relationship specific advice I can give but I can say a couple of things.

You seem to be doing what works for you: reading, researching, asking questions, self & relationship examination. Continue to do so.

I highly recommend www.xeromag.com . It is a totally awesome site.

Tell him, repeatedly if necessary, that you need time to do your own research & come to your own conclusions. He's had nine months to do so. You deserve the same sort of time.

ANY relationship should go at the speed of the SLOWEST person in it. Right now that person is you. You have a lot of things to wrap your brain around.
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:11 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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Your feelings are valid and in my opinion he should not be pressuring you to make such an important decision so rapidly. This has all come as a big shock to you and you need time to absorb it,research and come to your own conclusions. He should not be using the other woman potentially moving on as a means to coerce you into something you aren't ready for..
Take care of YOU first.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:16 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Yes, what Fitchick said.

Do me a favour, and remind him how 'unpoly' it is to pressure the ones you love.

Are you ready for some bluntness ? It is blunt, but I deliver with a warm hand,...

I haven`t ever seen a poly relationship that starts out from cheating, end up in a 'happily ever after'. Not if it`s with the person they cheated with.

It appears to be a uphill battle. Poly is a enormous retooling of everything we have been taught. It is difficult, even if you are prepared, and on the up-and-up. People walking into this fairly, with all parties living in truth, will still have a roller-coaster ride. I can`t see how a relationship built on a fair distribution of rights, overcomes the shock of being cheated on, and learn to be poly simultaneously.

Those that cheat, first have to take a step back, and fix their exsisting relationship. Fix that hole in their primary relationship, that allowed for an affair in the first place.
Then, worry about the poly one. Real love, will always be there. Some way, somehow.

A lot of cheaters fall in love, and are terrified of losing their loved ones. They get determined to keep both relationships. They are prepared to move heaven and hell,...ANYTHING,..but to lose one or the other.

Problem is, you can throw as much water into a bucket as you want,..but if there is even a small hole in the bucket,..all that beautiful water, will still slip away.

The flip-side is,...none of us ever know, until we try. It might be a neccesary pain of life. To try, against the odds. Otherwise forever wonder. I am not sure, but that could very well be the case.

Back to you :

Don`t be afraid to ask for what you need. The time to heal, in YOUR own positive way. Your spouse may be a excellent spouse in every other way. Your spouse may of moved mountains for you at various points in life. That said, your spouse is fibbing to themself, when he/she says, that they lied to you,..in order to protect you.

Lying and cheating, is always cowardly. Wether for grandios reasons or not. It`s the cowards way out, of dealing with a tough reality. Hurt is a part of life. Wanting to 'protect' your spouse may be natural, but treating someone you love with true respect, is of the utmost importance.

So,..that said, make sure your spouse is ready to get real with you, before you agree to open up to anything. I think right now you are confused, and overwhelmed. It may feel 'nicer' to just agree, so that the horrible nightmare passes. DON`T force yourself to get past something you aren`t ready to. It will surely bite you in the ass later on if you do.

Good luck. Keep reading. Knowledge is power.

(P.S.- If there are people on this forum, who started out cheating, and stayed long term, happily ever after with both their spouse, and their co-cheater, please give this lady some positive examples. )
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Your spouse may be a excellent spouse in every other way. Your spouse may of moved mountains for you at various points in life. That said, your spouse is fibbing to themself, when he/she says, that they lied to you,..in order to protect you.
They are not lying to protect you, they are lying to protect themselves from the fall out of your pain and anger.

You might want to check out this blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2713
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:42 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You have gotten some good advice and support so far. I think you are on the right track finding out as much as you can and staying on top of what is going on for you. I hope you and he are doing the searching and learning together. Perhaps he would like to chime in at some point.

there is a lot on here about cheating and affairs. If you do a search for tags and look at the stickies you will find a lot of information about what happens for people in their marriages and beyond when an affair happens. I hate to say it but I agree with SJ, not a good outcome usually and he hasn't had a could start with the healing process it seems.

As to your husband. He is being selfish and uncaring. He has not empathized with you and what you might be feeling and has not considered anyone but himself. Not even this woman that he has this energy with. She is in this too and he is assuming that he can just paste the two of you together. I have spent years of work getting to where I am in poly relationships... it just doesn't happen like that for intelligent, emotional animals such as humans.

the only think at this point that he has going for him is that he has finally been honest. Well, he has 9 months to make up for that. that trust you had in him is likely gone forever and he is worried about losing this woman?! Wow.... wake up call, he could very well lose you if he doesn't get busy and start doing the work necessary to begin healing.

I agree, you could use this to make your relationship happy and healthy again, but I think that he needs to back right up to a time before he decided to cross the line and be at arms length from her for a time until you are comfortable, if ever. that to me should be the result of his actions and what I would suggest. His face and heart having been going in her direction, a firm set of boundaries might just bring him around... as much as he will hate that As far as I'm concerned if he wants your trust he will go with whatever boundaries you have and do it willingly and humbly.

I know I sound firm in this, but really, having read peoples stories on here for 18 months and experienced my own stuff, I think he should not be encouraged to lay around in that "energy" one moment longer and should get back on track with fixing what he and she have broken. Maybe, if he is lucky, he will be able to have her in his life also...

You have every right to be angry, hurt, broken-hearted and devastated. He has broken a huge commitment and if that weren't bad enough, he is trying to rationalize it and make it out to be a thing of beauty. What would of been a thing of beauty would of been bonding with you over being honest about his feelings when you asked him. He didn't and now he has lost his integrity by being dishonest, disrespectful, and not communicating.... the three foundations of what poly is about; honesty, communication and respect.... how about he get on board with that with you so that you can trust him again.

Trust is not a given or a right. It is earned and he lost the right to your trust now... it is not a given that you will just move over for this woman. She has to earn your trust also, she cheated with him. Who cares about the "energy" that is all lovely, it has nothing to do with you and isn't based in reality.... the reality is that they fucked up by giving in to it for nine months.... now it is bad energy if you ask me... and will take you going at the pace that you want to make it good again...

I'm sorry he is hurt and having a hard time, but it's not his time, he had that.... or rather took it. it's time to get back on track with his commitment to you... that is my thoughts.
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:44 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Just wanted to say you're not alone. There are several people on this forum who have gone through the exact same thing. I'm sure you'll hear from some of them soon.

In my opinion, S isn't being very respectful or thoughtful of you right now, and I can see why you feel his concern is more about your co-worker, than about you. It may be that he has constructed a fantasy in his mind that you will adjust easily to this betrayal of trust, and be happy to transition smoothly to poly. He certainly sounds impatient, and afraid of losing his new love. He needs to recognize how much love, attention and reassurance you need from him, if there is any chance of this working out.

You sound like you're in so much pain; my heart goes out to you. Hang in there!
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Old 10-19-2010, 01:44 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
You might want to check out this blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2713
How odd to see my blog used as an example

I have to say though, I disagree that it can't work.

Cricket and Karma had an affair for almost the same amount of time before I found out.

It's been a rough go, and if you read through the TON of posts on my blog, you'll follow my rollercoaster of emotions through the whole thing.

Karma being impatient, me feeling rushed, Karma being patient, me feeling bad for taking so long to heal, Cricket and I not getting along. There's alot on there.

It took A LOT of work on all our parts, and a lot of help from others on here, to get us to where we are.

I don't think we're a success story...yet. But we're working it out.

Communicate and have patience are my best advice. Know yourself, heal yourself. That has to be priority for this to work at all. You need to know if this is something you can handle or not.

I think it was easier for us b/c we were already discussing poly before Cricket came along. I was already prepared for, just not the affair and the pain that came from it.

You both have to be committed to solving the problems and wounds this has caused. And honestly if the other woman is going to walk away b/c she can't be bothered to give you time to heal, let her walk.

cricket stuck it out. She was still there when I bad mouthed her, she was there when I was condescending, she was there when I said they could only spend time together if I was there, she was there when things I thought I was okay with turned out to be things I couldn't handle.

She wanted this to work just as much as we did, and did whatever I needed to make that easier for me.

We wouldn't be where we are without patience on all sides. And flat out honest communication. You have to feel safe to express whatever you are thinking and feeling and so does he.

Once Karma and I had that, it was so much easier. We spent night after night addressing this fear and that concern.

I am one of those women who will say, my husbands affair was the best thing that happened to us. I am greatful to Cricket and Karma. Sure it would have been easier had they been honest from the begining, but we would have never dealt with the root problems and wouldn't be anywhere near where we are now.

With all that said, there is nothing wrong if this isn't for you. If you can't handle it. But do yourself a favor, don't obsess over it. That was the worst thing I did. I overanalyzed and it was constantly on my mind. I eventualy was going backwards because I got myself so turned around in all the worrying.

The easy way is to end things with her and the two of you work out your marriage. But the hard way can be successful.

Feel free to PM if you have any questions or want to know more. Good luck!!
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:04 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Seeking,

Sorry if I'm a little late spotting your thread. Hope you are still around, reading & learning.

After reading your post, a couple thoughts came to me.......

First - because it hurts the most - the revelation about cheating etc. Trust is such a fragile thing. We like to think we can trust the people we love and who love us in any and all situations. Myself, I guess I don't believe that. I'm sure there are probably case where it's true but maybe I haven't personally come across one (or many) yet.
But here's the thing I think I'd want to zero in on regarding this.
Affairs and 'cheating' etc have ALWAYS happened. But ask ourselves why ? There's a variety of answers but complicit in them all is the underlying fact that we're raised in a culture where deep connections to more than one person (in a romantic or sexual manner) is a taboo. But it's an unreal and unrealistic taboo. Unsupportable for a very significant portion of the species.
But instead of having it out on the table for learning and discussion from the beginning, we put the blinders on and pretend it's really not that way. And then BOOM !
Hopefully in the future (some day) it will be otherwise. The emergence of poly into the mainstream offers some hope I think.
But in any case, I would only advise you to take this history into consideration. More than likely he proceeded the way he did because it was the only thing he knew ? Was it right ? Of course not. But we make all manner of bad decisions out of poor or lack of information. Give the devil his due.

But moving on............

The reasons he offered for pursuing his connection with GF are POTENTIALLY very real. The universe is funny. We sometimes to come into contact with people that seem to have something special that we need to understand. Often we aren't even looking. We just turn around and there they are. Poof !
This type of thing doesn't get a lot of press, maybe because there can be beautiful and special things surround them. And only the bad drama gets talked about. So accept the fact that this MAY be one of those ? But wait and see. Time teaches us a lot.
Whatever the case, you need to understand it changes NOTHING about the connection between you two !! Repeat 100 times
Unless of course one or both of you makes it change by over reacting to either the NRE/curiousity or jealousy etc.
I'd try to take a step back, dispense with any preconceived notions and take a look with an unbiased set of eyes. Hard I know after a breach of trust. But it's the only real path with heart. Start fresh, assume nothing, move forward from there based on what you see in FRONT of you - not what's behind.
There IS something special in here for you too - even though it may be clouded for the moment. Believe that - and watch for it. It may not show up in a day, or a week or maybe even a year. But it will sprout.

I know someone said they had not personally seen any success stories born of 'cheating', but I can vouch for several, my own included. And maybe the most important fact is that if you go through this together, it's almost certain that that option will never be an option for the future. It's like measles. Once you survive it, you never have to worry about it again - IF treated properly the first time. A blessing in disguise sometimes.

Good luck - keep us posted.

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Old 10-26-2010, 07:18 AM
Seekinganswer Seekinganswer is offline
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Posts: 24

Thanks for all your kind support. GS, I am so glad to be here and will be here for a while. It was such a relief finally reading your explanation that resonates with what S felt. Last night we logged on together so that he could read your replies. Knowing that there are people who have been where we are makes us feel less alone with our situation. A couple of days after that post, S conciously took a step back and told me to just 'be'.. No more pressure although we get tense moments when I swing from a positive to negative emotions.

Rachelina: I think too that getting close to D(S's GF), will be helpful because I feel deep down that this matter is not one to be shoved under the rug and forgotten about. It wont be difficult to work on a friendship because she is a warm person I liked very much before I d day of the affair discovery. Today we are going to meet after 3 weeks of no contact and just talk. Both S and I are quite nervous about it because D has no idea about polyamory nor the spiritual aspect of S feelings for her. It feels like jumping off a precipice..

Like most you advised, opening up to what could be focus less on the negative feels brought on by the is helping alot. Best of all S understands that for now my mind can only handle as far as the first meeting. Will keep you posted
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affairs., cheating

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