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Old 02-02-2013, 01:32 AM
target target is offline
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Default Don't respect my partner's partner

Hey all,

Newbie here! (and relatively new to poly too...just a couple years)

So, I need a bit of guidance in my relationship. I'm one of the ends of a poly V (pretty much) and I am totally in love with my partner and he's awesome. His other partner, however, is someone I have some problems with. It's been three years, and we've made it work thus far but circumstances are changing and we need it to get to a point where she and I more than just tolerate each other. We will be much more present in each others lives, so I really want to try to make it better.

The problem is that I have absolutely no respect for her. She lies...a lot. To be fair, I don't think she does it maliciously - she exaggerates things in her head, or lies out of insecurity or fear, or whatever. But every time I talk to her, I find out later that something she said was a lie. To me, that is a huge deal, and after this long, I just really don't respect her at all. She's a nice person and everything, but I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.

The thing is, I don't know what to do about it. My partner really wants us to get along, but when I bring up that I don't trust her, he just says to not really take anything she says as truth until I talk to him about it. But I can't do that...I can't try to learn to respect someone while trying to train myself to take everything they say with a grain of salt.

Anyway, I would really love some advice on how other people have grown to respect their partner's partner. Did it come naturally, or did you have to actively work at it? If so, what did you do? Did you ever have to deal with someone who isn't often truthful? If so, how did you handle that?

Thanks in advance for any and all advice!!! Can't wait to meet and chat with people on here!
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Old 02-02-2013, 02:04 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Well uh... you can pretend she's a relative, one you tolerate more from because of family ties. Or you can choose to just not spend more time with her, even if it means you see him less. Is them them moving in together in some situation that means seeing him there involves her being around all the time?

I haven't spent time with somebody like that for decades, I'd never do so again. I've never had respect for somebody "grow on me" with time, people seem to learn to tolerate metamours if they don't get along, or stop spending time around them. I've never seen anybody say "I disliked my metamour but after 5 years of making myself spend my weekends listening to their idiocy I didn't notice it anymore!" I bet the best way you could learn to respect her, is remove her from your life conversationally so you stop getting reminded she is a chronic liar, and can enjoy the other positives about her from afar.
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Old 02-02-2013, 05:07 AM
Pyuvii Pyuvii is offline
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Have you tried talking to her about it?

Let her polity know how you feel, being sure to emphasize that you really want to get along with her and want to get to know her genuinely. Make sure to keep it very polite, especially since you stated you don't consider her to have an malicious intent when she lies.
Maybe you guys can work it out and legitimately be able to get along!

If that doesn't work, Anne's suggestion to treat her like family, like a sibling, we don't always like our siblings, but we make it work because we have to >_<

Also, just curious, how does your partner feel about her truth-stretching habits? o=
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Old 02-02-2013, 09:11 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Do you find out the things she tells you are, through a source other than your shared sweetie, actual lies? Or do you just relay to him something she says that you find unsettling about HIM, take it to him and HE tells you its a lie?

Those are two different things. One is her lying and the other is HIS truth which may or may not indicate she lied.

He is telling you to not believe anything she says and that is pretty disrespectful. I've known some master liars who play everyone they know to their favor even at the expense of the people they want to think highly of them. You should talk with her. You might find some of the things you've said to her are not HIS truth when she takes it to him later either.

Last edited by Vinccenzo; 02-02-2013 at 09:20 PM.
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Old 02-02-2013, 11:20 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Why is your boyfriend in a relationship with a liar? Doesn't that make you respect HIM less?
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Old 02-03-2013, 12:43 AM
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@Anneintherain - That is a good way to look at it. If I can't resolve it, I will definitely try to shift my attitude like that and see if it helps. Thank you!

@Pyuvii - I have tried talking to her about it a bit, but she denies it all the time. If we have actual proof of her lying, she blames me, and says I must have misunderstood or misheard. For the first little while, I felt like a horrible person, because I thought I was always misunderstanding her, and that has never happened to me before with anyone. But, the more time I spent with her, and the more I got to know other people around her, I realized it wasn't me. My partner is less than thrilled with it, but he doesn't put the same value on honesty that I do. He just ignores it when she lies, whereas I have a really hard time doing that.

@Vinccenzo - Most of the time I find out through an actual source. For example, she was going somewhere once, but didn't want to have to go, and then told us her flight got cancelled, so she would have to go a different day. However, we got a call from the airline later wanting to just confirm the new flight because she had missed the first one. So, things like that. Some of the stuff comes filtered through him, and as much as I love and trust him, he has his own biases too, so I try to take those into account with second hand information.

@MeeraReed - All people have flaws, and we decide which ones we can put up with, and which ones we can't. This is something he is ok with, I guess. I could never accept that in a partner, but I have different values than him. It doesn't make me respect him less at all, although I must admit that I have asked him a few times to try to explain to me what he likes about her because the majority of things I see are things I don't think I could accept, and I really really want to try to like her.
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