Monogamist and a Poly

[jooshyboy]

Hey everyone,

I'm definitely new to this lifestyle and really haven't begun it yet. I figure that bouncing ideas off others and having someone else (besides my partner) to talk to about my feelings and emotions may be therapeutic for me.

To start off, I am the monogamist. I've been in an incredible relationship with my partner for the past year and a half. We met online and really hit it off when we first met each other. In a way we are similar people who are completely opposite. Both very intelligent and have a firm grasp on what love is and how we feel about one another, but desire to live life in different fashions.

I only recently found out that she deeply wanted to be with other people. Not in a way that replaces me or puts me down, but in a way that she can still live her life to the extent that she has always dreamed of. I've definitely remember her talking about polygamy and how society casts it aside as a negative thing. She has very good reasons as to why it shouldn't be looked at differently and I can't argue with what she has to say. I'm very supportive of pretty much everything she does and desires.

My partner is a very mature individual who has already experienced more with others that I ever wish to in my lifetime. Just sort of the way I adopted my views on relationships and how I held the importance of them. My partner has had some regrettable choices that she has made in the past but I don't really think she would ever wish them to be taken away. For her, it's a memory hook, something that occurred in her life that she can look back on for the rest of her life. A lot of these have to do with sexual partners and flings.

When we started our relationship, I was sort of intimidated because I felt I would be inadequate to the needs that she holds important. Not saying that I'm bad in bed, but I am definitely not as experienced as her. I found out that I was wrong in my thoughts. She very much enjoys our sexual encounters, as do I and we are always working on improving them as well.

But this is just background info. There is a lot more that goes into our relationship, and it is definitely different from many others (not just in the poly/mono sense). To get to my point though, she has expressed to me her interest in having more sexual encounters, more playing, more games etc with others. From a monogamist standpoint, and especially at first, for a relationship to feel so great and for things to be going in strides in the right direction, it's hard for me to see her want to be with someone else. We have made some serious compromises though and have been very open with each other communication wise, so I feel the true trust I have with her is pure and won't fade. I just want to be able to communicate to her how I feel in this regard. It means so much to me that she gets what she wants out of life, but at the same time, I don't want to risk what we have with one another.

I'm afraid some guy/girl might come along and attempt to compete with me. That's honestly my biggest fear. The sexual encounters are one thing, still difficult to process now, but it's that fear that she'll want to fall in love with someone else and I will part of this triangle. Not to say that I have anything against the practice, but it's just not how I want to live my life. I don't want to have doubts about our life, because I see her as my life partner, and I don't regret any instance that we have had.

She is everything to me and I have to let her fly in the way she was intended. She comes home very happy and has expressed that she hasn't loved me more than she has now, given that I have sort of allowed this to occur. I'm just a sucker when it comes to being alone, especially if she's out and about and I'm not sure where she is. I want to know that she is safe and secure, even if it's with someone else at the time.

So I just need some similar stories, advice, tips, or ideas of dealing with this. I have told her that I will allow it, and we have established our rules which is very reassuring, but I just need a community to help me understand and chat with from time to time. Given that we are just about to make a huge commitment to one another by buying a home, I just want to make sure we are both happy with one another and aren't going to be broken down because of this down the road. I don't want to let it happen, but at this point, I'm just afraid of the worst case scenarios.. They always seem to creep their way in.

For those who read this, I greatly appreciate it and any comments would be lovely. Thanks

[Helo]

Originally Posted by jooshyboy

Hey everyone,

I'm definitely new to this lifestyle and really haven't begun it yet. I figure that bouncing ideas off others and having someone else (besides my partner) to talk to about my feelings and emotions may be therapeutic for me.

Ahoy-hoy, welcome to the 'hood.

A point of order (this may be considered picky by some but I feel like its important), calling poly a "lifestyle" can be taken as somewhat of a put-down the same way saying a gay person lives the "gay lifestyle." It it has transient, trendy connotations that dont jive too well with a lot of people who are poly. Its a way of life, at least I feel like it is.

When we started our relationship, I was sort of intimidated because I felt I would be inadequate to the needs that she holds important. Not saying that I'm bad in bed, but I am definitely not as experienced as her. I found out that I was wrong in my thoughts. She very much enjoys our sexual encounters, as do I and we are always working on improving them as well.

That's pretty common. Most of us menfolk like to think we have the "magic dick" and are the best our respective partners have experienced. It gets ignored pretty frequently that there is a wide variety in terms of lovers rather than a strict rating system. Yay patriarchy!

But this is just background info. There is a lot more that goes into our relationship, and it is definitely different from many others (not just in the poly/mono sense). To get to my point though, she has expressed to me her interest in having more sexual encounters, more playing, more games etc with others. From a monogamist standpoint, and especially at first, for a relationship to feel so great and for things to be going in strides in the right direction, it's hard for me to see her want to be with someone else. We have made some serious compromises though and have been very open with each other communication wise, so I feel the true trust I have with her is pure and won't fade. I just want to be able to communicate to her how I feel in this regard. It means so much to me that she gets what she wants out of life, but at the same time, I don't want to risk what we have with one another.

Good place to start from. She's very lucky in that you're as open minded as you present. A lot of other people have run into monogamous partners who cant/wont understand their point of view and react...very negatively.

I'm afraid some guy/girl might come along and attempt to compete with me. That's honestly my biggest fear. The sexual encounters are one thing, still difficult to process now, but it's that fear that she'll want to fall in love with someone else and I will part of this triangle. Not to say that I have anything against the practice, but it's just not how I want to live my life. I don't want to have doubts about our life, because I see her as my life partner, and I don't regret any instance that we have had.

A reasonable fear considering your point of view. When someone who is poly or who just loves multiple people, they dont love one at the expense of others. In a solid poly relationship, everybody adds to it and endeavor to cooperate rather than compete. If someone is attempting to nudge you out, that's not someone who wants a constructive relationship and should prompt a discussion with your lady friend.

She is everything to me and I have to let her fly in the way she was intended. She comes home very happy and has expressed that she hasn't loved me more than she has now, given that I have sort of allowed this to occur. I'm just a sucker when it comes to being alone, especially if she's out and about and I'm not sure where she is. I want to know that she is safe and secure, even if it's with someone else at the time.

Are you doing this because you're actually taking happiness from her happiness or because you're afraid if you don't, she'll leave?

So I just need some similar stories, advice, tips, or ideas of dealing with this. I have told her that I will allow it, and we have established our rules which is very reassuring, but I just need a community to help me understand and chat with from time to time. Given that we are just about to make a huge commitment to one another by buying a home, I just want to make sure we are both happy with one another and aren't going to be broken down because of this down the road. I don't want to let it happen, but at this point, I'm just afraid of the worst case scenarios.. They always seem to creep their way in.

That's what this place is good for. There's a wealth of experience to draw on. I'm kind of the resident dickhead, everybody else is pretty nice.

[GalaGirl]

Welcome!

You express yourself well. Could put those things under the microscope to see if articulating them all the way out suggests a solution.

I'm afraid some guy/girl might come along and attempt to compete with me. That's honestly my biggest fear.

Ok. They try to compete with you. You choose to NOT compete. She would choose... what? Egg on competition? Tell them to cut it out, that is not respectful to her other partner (you)? What?

In what way could it play out so it is a "scary feeling" way? Where she DOESN'T say anything? Is that part of it?

In what way could it play out so you can move past it? What behavior do you do? She does?

I fear that she'll want to fall in love with someone else and I will part of this triangle. Not to say that I have anything against the practice, but it's just not how I want to live my life. I don't want to have doubts about our life, because I see her as my life partner, and I don't regret any instance that we have had.

So this is a hard limit for you? What open relationship model do you currently share with her? You are willing to be in a 1a shape open model relationship? A 1C? But NOT 2 anythings? This would be a dealbreaker for you?

You are allowed to have your wants, needs, and limits be whatever they are. Just state them clearly to your partner so you understand each other. That could help reduce fears. Maybe you could both read that article together and discuss?

I have told her that I will allow it, and we have established our rules which is very reassuring, but I just need a community to help me understand and chat with from time to time. Given that we are just about to make a huge commitment to one another by buying a home, I just want to make sure we are both happy with one another and aren't going to be broken down because of this down the road. I don't want to let it happen, but at this point, I'm just afraid of the worst case scenarios.. They always seem to creep their way in.

Are you saying you are doing something you are NOT really willing to do?

Or are you saying you are willing to try it on, but worried/scared because the "new normal" feels weird until it becomes "old normal" and you don't have enough confidence in the couple's ability to handle things as they come up yet because it is all too new?


Have you covered pitfalls? Jealousy?

And go there in the house buying committment.

"Ok, we bought a house together. Now we break up. What do we do about the house then?"

Better to have that plan and not need it than find yourselves there without a paddle. Take the bull by the horns. All of them. Talk honestly to your partner.

It is not possible (nor should you try) to predict everything Life could throw your way. But you could pin down the top 5 on your mind, and focus on HOW to weather whatever else comes along together. Not the WHAT happens. But HOW. How you will do your couple conflict resolution, HOW you agree to treat each other in times of good emotional weather and in times of bad emotional weather so that you can both weather whatever it is out together.

HTH!
Galagirl

[BreatheDeeply]

I think it's really a sign of an incredibly mature mind that you are content with who you are and equally accepting of your wife's identity. It's something that is much easier said then done.

That said, it doesn't mean you're a robot and don't have moments of doubt, insecurity and fear. It goes with the territory. Feeling that maybe someone might come along and out-compete you for her attentions is natural. Knowing that doesn't make the fear go away, but it does allow you to compartmentalise those feelings so that you can get on with your life. I think that your wife probably has a very different view of the situation, she might just think she's the luckiest woman in the world to have someone that not only loves her, but accepts her for who she is. Male or female, that's a rare thing.

.

[jooshyboy]

Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply

I think it's really a sign of an incredibly mature mind that you are content with who you are and equally accepting of your wife's identity. It's something that is much easier said then done.

That said, it doesn't mean you're a robot and don't have moments of doubt, insecurity and fear. It goes with the territory. Feeling that maybe someone might come along and out-compete you for her attentions is natural. Knowing that doesn't make the fear go away, but it does allow you to compartmentalise those feelings so that you can get on with your life. I think that your wife probably has a very different view of the situation, she might just think she's the luckiest woman in the world to have someone that not only loves her, but accepts her for who she is. Male or female, that's a rare thing.

.

You hit quite a few things on the head. We are engaged but the wedding and our plans are put on hold now. Before the poly suggestions, we were going to wed and move to Europe for her to finish up her schooling. Now that we have agreed to purchase a home, the desire to move isn't as strong now. So the benefits of getting married aren't as strong since we aren't going overseas. But we do plan on getting over there to live for a short while or perhaps the rest of our lives someday.

I appreciate your kind words towards me, I have always thought of myself as a mature minded fellow even with my younger age. I find it not right to judge any individual for what they are because in their eyes, I may be something that seems weird or lacking substance to them.

I really like the way that you put it though. In a way that I don't feel guilty for my thoughts about her or the situation, I just feel. Feeling that natural way of life for me and trying to put that in a perspective or in a light that looks good all the way around. Her views are very different from mine, and that's part that I'm trying to understand. Why she doesn't feel the way I do? I've put it into examples that have set her in my seat where she basically agrees and tells me she can relate to it in a different sense. But I need to stray away from finding out why she doesn't feel like I do and just accept that it's a different view for her. That it's just sex and nothing more. She tells me she is lucky and couldn't be happier, which makes me feel better in every way. And not so much for myself, but in a way that her happiness is being exposed and expressed because of my doing. My hope is that people find partners that they consider to be true pure love like I do. Because it's the most rewarding thing ever to be loved. And obviously something I'm not willing to pass up on.

I appreciate your time. Thanks.

[jooshyboy]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Ok. They try to compete with you. You choose to NOT compete. She would choose... what? Egg on competition? Tell them to cut it out, that is not respectful to her other partner (you)? What?

In what way could it play out so it is a "scary feeling" way? Where she DOESN'T say anything? Is that part of it?

In what way could it play out so you can move past it? What behavior do you do? She does?

The scary feeling is that she's like a roller coaster. She wanted a committed closed relationship when we started. Then months later, needed some away time (ended up not being that much) to find out what type of person she wants to be with and what type of person she still wants to become. Then she told (she's bi) me that she felt very much like a lesbian choosing to marry a man because she can't stand being in relationships with girls for very long. Saying she enjoyed the sexual thrill with a girl more. We talked about threeways and the possibility of her being with a girl. And now she wants to be able to sleep around with other men and possibly form relationships with them. It's certainly taken a toll on me, and I just firmly can't grasp where she wants to head or what her intentions will ultimately be. But that doesn't keep me from being with her because life isn't what you think it is. It will never be, and what I learn to do is try and adapt. I have a very firm grasp on what love is, I spent a lot of time when I wasn't with another partner, thinking about being alone, being together, what aspects of having a partner outweigh those without, why I would choose to have a partner instead of being single etc. Those thoughts, those motives make it important for me to be close with my partner, and where I am now, it's just hard transitioning into what I've never ideally thought of as the way I want to live my life. Make sense?

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

So this is a hard limit for you? What open relationship model do you currently share with her? You are willing to be in a 1a shape open model relationship? A 1C? But NOT 2 anythings? This would be a dealbreaker for you?

You are allowed to have your wants, needs, and limits be whatever they are. Just state them clearly to your partner so you understand each other. That could help reduce fears. Maybe you could both read that article together and discuss?

Right now, we are very open. We have great communication and we are working on finding something that will meet in the middle, that we can agree to and both be happy with. She doesn't like the fact that I'm feeling worried or the slightest bit unhappy with the situation, and has told me that she wouldn't do it if it were to make me unhappy. But I have to face the music, because I wouldn't want to be kept from living the life I felt glamorous. At the expense of a partner, I would never do it, and at least it's nice knowing that she feels the same way.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Are you saying you are doing something you are NOT really willing to do?

Or are you saying you are willing to try it on, but worried/scared because the "new normal" feels weird until it becomes "old normal" and you don't have enough confidence in the couple's ability to handle things as they come up yet because it is all too new?

I would say the latter of the two. In a perfect world I would not really be willing to do it, but I love her more than life itself. It's what makes my sacrifices worth it. The new normal is weird, it's something I'm not used to or have ever thought about being used to. I honestly don't know where things can go, but we are very verbal and I think we can handle any problem that comes our way in some way or another. Good or bad.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

And go there in the house buying committment.

"Ok, we bought a house together. Now we break up. What do we do about the house then?"

Better to have that plan and not need it than find yourselves there without a paddle. Take the bull by the horns. All of them. Talk honestly to your partner.

I'm not too worried about the house situation. I do consider it to be our home and feel she is entitled to every square inch of it that she wants, but I am purchasing it. It is my loan, my title, my name, so if things were to get fudged up, we can deal with it and find a way to keep life's wheels spinning. I can afford it on my own, so I know I won't be screwed so to say.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

It is not possible (nor should you try) to predict everything Life could throw your way. But you could pin down the top 5 on your mind, and focus on HOW to weather whatever else comes along together. Not the WHAT happens. But HOW. How you will do your couple conflict resolution, HOW you agree to treat each other in times of good emotional weather and in times of bad emotional weather so that you can both weather whatever it is out together.

Loved that ending. Yeah, it's impossible to predict anything and I find it pointless to try and put anybody in a certain category. Different strokes for different folks. The very point you make is why I'm here. I don't want to focus on what happens, because I can never know. I don't have special powers and nor does anyone else. What I do have are resources, my knowledge and communication to help me weather any storm. I go day to day and if that means I am on this forum seeking help from kind people such as yourself today, then so be it. If it's listening to music, contemplating my life decisions, talking with my partner then so be it. This alone, typing out my thoughts for others to see is very therapeutic for me. The fact that I get some sort of response puts my mind at ease, because this isn't just any one person's problem. It happens a lot. I appreciate your comments and links to helpful slides. You are a helpful individual and your time was not wasted.

Thanks.

[jooshyboy]

Originally Posted by Helo

Ahoy-hoy, welcome to the 'hood.

A point of order (this may be considered picky by some but I feel like its important), calling poly a "lifestyle" can be taken as somewhat of a put-down the same way saying a gay person lives the "gay lifestyle." It it has transient, trendy connotations that dont jive too well with a lot of people who are poly. Its a way of life, at least I feel like it is.

First off, I wasn't trying to downplay poly as a lifestyle, I was more describing my lifestyle in that I am committed to a poly in a monogamist way of life so to speak. If that makes sense. Did not mean to offend anyone here at all. And I appreciate your comment breakdown.

Originally Posted by Helo

That's pretty common. Most of us menfolk like to think we have the "magic dick" and are the best our respective partners have experienced. It gets ignored pretty frequently that there is a wide variety in terms of lovers rather than a strict rating system. Yay patriarchy!

Well put, I get better and better with this each day, knowing that she, for what she expresses to me, wants to have a different type of sexual experience with others, rather than with me.

Originally Posted by Helo

Good place to start from. She's very lucky in that you're as open minded as you present. A lot of other people have run into monogamous partners who cant/wont understand their point of view and react...very negatively.

Yeah, she really appreciates me be open about it and yes, it has made her overwhelmingly happy at just the thought of being able to experiment if she wants to while being able to come back home to me. I will never be narrow minded in any aspect of life. I'm always trying to understand and adapt, and I'm willing in this regard, even though I don't want to give up in my monogamous way of life.

Originally Posted by Helo

A reasonable fear considering your point of view. When someone who is poly or who just loves multiple people, they dont love one at the expense of others. In a solid poly relationship, everybody adds to it and endeavor to cooperate rather than compete. If someone is attempting to nudge you out, that's not someone who wants a constructive relationship and should prompt a discussion with your lady friend.

It's hard to understand from a monogamist point of view, but I do. I know what she describes to me, but at the same time it is hard to adapt and be okay with it. Not that I'm mad at her at all, but it just sometimes gets me down in thinking maybe we shouldn't be together. I mean, when we first got together, this was in no way what she planned. It's just she's used to short relationships and bounced from guy to guy often, so being in a relationship as long as she has with me has definitely strayed away from what shes used to. She does want to stay committed to me above all else though so it's hard to give up on what I value as true love.

Originally Posted by Helo

Are you doing this because you're actually taking happiness from her happiness or because you're afraid if you don't, she'll leave?

Honestly, it's a mix of both. I feel as if I don't do this, she may look back on life, even if it was with me, and regret what she could have experienced. It's not worth it to me to have what I want at the expense of what she values and she would've liked to try in her life. She has already told me that she won't leave me and doesn't want me out of her life, so I have that, it's just I can't allow myself to say, "okay, well since you're not going to leave me, let's play by my rules". Does that make sense??

Originally Posted by Helo

That's what this place is good for. There's a wealth of experience to draw on. I'm kind of the resident dickhead, everybody else is pretty nice.

Thanks for your words. I'm pretty thick-skinned so I can take things pretty well in stride. One way or another. I appreciate your help.

[Helo]

Originally Posted by jooshyboy

First off, I wasn't trying to downplay poly as a lifestyle, I was more describing my lifestyle in that I am committed to a poly in a monogamist way of life so to speak. If that makes sense. Did not mean to offend anyone here at all. And I appreciate your comment breakdown.

No offense taken, just wanted to give you the heads up before someone got bent out of shape.

Well put, I get better and better with this each day, knowing that she, for what she expresses to me, wants to have a different type of sexual experience with others, rather than with me.

That's a good place to keep working. Consider your own sexual desires, are they always the same? Are there ever times where, for whatever reason, are in the mood for something polar opposite to what you normally like? The vast majority of human beings are simply not flexible (figuratively or literally) enough to encompass the complete range of possible needs and wants that a partner might have. Seeking different experiences with other partners is a way to satisfy that need.

Yeah, she really appreciates me be open about it and yes, it has made her overwhelmingly happy at just the thought of being able to experiment if she wants to while being able to come back home to me. I will never be narrow minded in any aspect of life. I'm always trying to understand and adapt, and I'm willing in this regard, even though I don't want to give up in my monogamous way of life.

As I said, that's a good attitude to have and its not impossible to have a poly partner while maintaining a mono way of life for yourself as long as you're sure you're in it for the right reasons and can withstand what you may see.

It's hard to understand from a monogamist point of view, but I do. I know what she describes to me, but at the same time it is hard to adapt and be okay with it. Not that I'm mad at her at all, but it just sometimes gets me down in thinking maybe we shouldn't be together. I mean, when we first got together, this was in no way what she planned. It's just she's used to short relationships and bounced from guy to guy often, so being in a relationship as long as she has with me has definitely strayed away from what shes used to. She does want to stay committed to me above all else though so it's hard to give up on what I value as true love.

Poly is rarely in the forecast for a lot of people. For many years I was militantly monogamous and wouldnt even consider something like being poly. The transition cost me a relationship of five years and a good deal of my circle of friends but it was well worth it.

Honestly, it's a mix of both. I feel as if I don't do this, she may look back on life, even if it was with me, and regret what she could have experienced. It's not worth it to me to have what I want at the expense of what she values and she would've liked to try in her life. She has already told me that she won't leave me and doesn't want me out of her life, so I have that, it's just I can't allow myself to say, "okay, well since you're not going to leave me, let's play by my rules". Does that make sense??

It actually does, this is kind of the reverse of the situation I found myself in a few years ago when I actually became fully poly.

I managed to boil it down to a couple of key, indisputable facts (pronouns might have to be rearranged in your case).

1. I was poly.
2. That was not going to change.
3. My fiancee (at the time) was monogamous.
4. That was not going to change (though to her credit she did try).
5. Our relationship could either be open to new people or not (mono or poly).
6. If our relationship remained mono, I could accept it to begin with but eventually I would start finding myself unhappy and the relationship would crumble.
7. If our relationship went poly, my fiancee could accept it to begin with but eventually would become unhappy.

Conclusion- As much as we loved each other, we had to separate. Either path we chose, one of us was going to be unhappy. I knew it would happen with me because it was already happening at that point. I knew it would happen with her because she had tried to enter the poly world but stated verbally and through her reactions that she was fundamentally not ok with it.

It was more complicated than that due to other factors but that was one of the main pylon collapses that caused us to separate. It was incredibly painful and there's still a good deal of animosity but I felt it was better to do it now and avoid a long, unhappy relationship doomed to failure.

Thanks for your words. I'm pretty thick-skinned so I can take things pretty well in stride. One way or another. I appreciate your help.

No problem.