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Old 01-31-2013, 02:51 PM
ransom ransom is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7
Default a complicated situation

hey all,

i kissed my best friend, who was in a relationship. after he found out, they broke up (after a long 3 months of dragging that out.) he was abusive, they are finally done.

over the course of that 3 months we basically fell in love (not sure how real that feels anymore though).

i left the country 3 weeks ago thinking that she was going to get back with him and cut off ties with me. instead when i left she told me she loved me, and we have restarted discussions of traveling and a possible life together (she may move out here). their relationship has still had an on and off quality these past 3 weeks (which has been stressful for me expecting it to have finished completely.) but it seems now it's finally done.

the difficult thing is that we are acting as if we are in a long distance (monogamous) relationship - but we are not. she doesn't want to commit having finally left a very dramatic and painful situation (she quite understandably needs some space right now). but at the same time she is an extremely jealous person, and acts possessive of me and my interactions with women, thus far completely platonic, as if we were in a monogamous relationship.

at the same time she seems to resent when i act the same. she wants freedom, and keeps bringing up polyamory as a solution - but more in indirect comments (though it is something we've discussed before), and we haven't been able to have an open conversation about it.

she will one day tell me she "can't do polyamory" and the next act as if it's the natural solution for us right now (really meaning the natural solution for her and her needs, rather than a well thought out and discussed solution for us both).

i have always been interested in the idea of polyamory but i dont' know if i can actually emotionally handle it - i don't know if i am secure enough. for me the idea of having sex with someone else is equitable to nailing a coffin in the relationship. i also can't do it out of fear, knowing how she will probably react (anger - sleep with someone else to get back at me).

i want to bring this conversation up but our skype conversations have been stressful and i don't know how to do it in a comfortable way.

what i want is to be secure in the idea, but i don't know how to be in that place? i rationally do want to experience polyamory, but not because i want to fuck around, but because i believe in horizontal/non-hierarchical relationships in general.

also, she has an online dating profile she showed me, which while she says is "just for fun" and she doesn't want to sleep with anyone, seems to have been made with the intent or at least openness of meeting people right now. i am confused by both my feelings of insecurity but also frustration with the inability to have an open conversation on this subject - sometimes she tells me she makes comments about other guys to push me away (i can be clingy) but also to "test" me. how do i deal with this?

i know that was a lot, thanks for listening
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:26 PM
ransom ransom is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7

ok update:

she got really frustrated by me wanting to clearly define things and then be able to move forward, accusing me of having this convo over and over again. when what i want is just to have one conversation where we define where we are at and move forward, rather than having these ridiculous conversations where she makes a remark and obviously is trying to gauge my reaction, interrogates me about how i'm spending my time and who with, reassures me that she is not wanting to sleep around, but wants freedom and to maintain that she is "single" and not committed to me in any sense.

i told her i wanted to talk about that and she got angry. i told her what i wanted was just to say out loud and clear that we are either polyamorous or single and interested, and i could move on from worrying about what she's doing or what her intentions are, and also explore opportunities where i am at right now. WHAT I WANTED was to have that convo and talk about those things, what happened instead is that when i said i wanted to experience that freedom also if that is where we are at she signed off in anger. "go have fun then".

i realize i am full of insecurity but this is one of the few times i just said what i thought without trying to worry too much about how she will react, and therefore hide how i feel out of that fear. i don't know if i am being insensitive though or if i am just standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be used.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:49 PM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

I vote for you standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be used.

Sounds like there's a lot of potential there for you to get hurt.

One of the common wisdoms around here is that this doesn't work:
Relationship broken, add more people.

If you guys have a shot at being open, it appears that you may have to just be two for awhile.
It also sounds like maybe you both need to work on yourselves for a bit; and get MUCH much better at communication. If she's going to sign off in anger when you want a conversation, that doesn't bode well for communication in general.

Wishing you much luck.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:56 PM
ransom ransom is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7

so now after she signed back on she tells me i am a "fraud" for acting loyal and monogamous for months and now saying that if we are going to be polyamorous maybe i will exercise that freedom right now? she won't commit to a monogamous relationship but i am a fraud if i say that i won't wait around? like i don't really love her? i don't know how to react to this
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Old 01-31-2013, 06:00 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,135

Your best friend is not healthy enough to be in any relationship - mono or poly - right now. She was in an abusive relationship and that takes time to recover from. Dan Savage has often talked about working towards 'being in good working order' before dating or being in a relationship. Steer her to therapy, encourage her to take advantage of it, and be her friend, not her lover right now.
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Old 01-31-2013, 06:06 PM
ransom ransom is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7

opalescent i am hesitant to say that, at least that way, because it will trigger her. he would use therapist lingo to control her and tell her how she was fucked up and what she needed to be

it's hard for me to do that too, i really do love her
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