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Old 10-12-2010, 08:10 PM
crazy1789 crazy1789 is offline
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Unhappy Bit of a problem with one of my partner's lovers

So there's this man, lets call him ... Felix. My girlfriend and I had an incredible threesome with him about 6 months ago. After which a lot started to go wrong between him and me. I was feeling very strong emotions towards him and his primary relationship only really allowed him to have casual sex. I still have no idea how he feels about me - he keeps his feelings hidden (although he recently said that he felt bad after our threesome and didn't want that to happen again)

I decided it was probably best for us both if I bow out and keep things platonic between me and him. My girlfriend and him have been continuing their "casual" relationship since then (although they've only seen each other a few times since then). However, recently things appear to have changed when it comes to Felix's relationship boundaries with his wife. She has now got a secondary boyfriend and it appears that Felix is now open to the idea of a more involved relationship.

Tomorrow my girlfriend and I are going to the city where he lives (my sister also happens to live there). The original plan was that I would spend some time with my sister and also see Felix, but as time is so precious for the two of them I once again decided to bow out and not see him while my girlfriend and him have lots of sex.

So I'm beginning to feel a variety of emotions when it comes to this man. I'm a little bit envious of my girlfriend having delightfully sensual evenings with him. But I wouldn't want to deny her of the happiness that such evenings bring her, and I don't think her not having him would really help me feel any better. And I feel a little guilty that my feeling sad about this might make it less likely that they will enjoy their time together. And most of all I don't want to ruin anything that she has with him! I just wish I could talk to him about this, but last time I tried he simply told me that he wasn't willing to discuss his emotions with me. I feel like my only option is to let my girlfriend get close to him and get some answers out of him for me so that maybe I can find some peace with the situation.

Sorry this is probably quite a rambling post. I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation where you have feelings for your partner's lover?
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Old 10-13-2010, 02:29 PM
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gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
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Default Problem with partner's lovers

My ex husband was sleeping with my girlfriend and things were tense. She wanted me to be there for her and share all about her time with my ex. I wanted him back in loving relationship with me and he wanted her without me in the picture so it was convoluted. It did not end well. None of us saw each other after the big blow up. However, she and I have spoken kindly as friends and he and I have met again amicably recently. He asked if I wanted to be with him but at this point I have a working triad and was no longer interested. We are all better off though as friends than lovers at the time not one of us was clear about communication or even what we needed and wanted from the relationship.

My current partners and I work really hard on clear and focused communication. Everyone has a right to be heard. We all lay what we want on the table, sometimes we get it and sometimes not but at least we are all clear on what is needed. It works much better.

I hope that you will take the time to visit with your sis and really focus on peace and happiness and not let your guilt, jealousy or doubt interfere.

Peace -Gomugirl
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:19 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think that if this is bothering you then you need to be more persistent in pursuing a conversation. It wouldn't be okay with me that he tell you he doesn't want to discuss emotions with you. As fas as I am concerned, in my relationships, you are fucking my partner, you are going to have to talk to me. I wouldn't exactly say it like that, but really, I probably wouldn't back down until we find a way to make that happen. He is your metamour and you have a crush on him. I think he is going to have to deal if he wants his relationship to continue to run smoothly with your partner. It sounds like he is used to casual sex and not connected, bonded, emotional relationships with more than one person. Well, guess what, they are different. He gets to be involved with not just her, but everything in her life. That is how connected relationships work. If he doesn't like it then he will have to remain casual with her to be relieved of that responsibility.

What does she say? Is she advocating for you and he to be around each other and spend friendly time together? Work on your relationships? Read on this forum... you will see that most healthy poly relationships mean healthy metamour relationships. I would highly suggest that he get on board with that... her too.
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Old 10-15-2010, 01:10 PM
crazy1789 crazy1789 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think that if this is bothering you then you need to be more persistent in pursuing a conversation. It wouldn't be okay with me that he tell you he doesn't want to discuss emotions with you. As fas as I am concerned, in my relationships, you are fucking my partner, you are going to have to talk to me. I wouldn't exactly say it like that, but really, I probably wouldn't back down until we find a way to make that happen. He is your metamour and you have a crush on him. I think he is going to have to deal if he wants his relationship to continue to run smoothly with your partner. It sounds like he is used to casual sex and not connected, bonded, emotional relationships with more than one person. Well, guess what, they are different. He gets to be involved with not just her, but everything in her life. That is how connected relationships work. If he doesn't like it then he will have to remain casual with her to be relieved of that responsibility.

What does she say? Is she advocating for you and he to be around each other and spend friendly time together? Work on your relationships? Read on this forum... you will see that most healthy poly relationships mean healthy metamour relationships. I would highly suggest that he get on board with that... her too.
I'm trying to be as sympathetic as I can towards him and his boundaries. I've tried this kind of tough-love approach to getting a metamour to open up to me before and it made things worse. Much worse. I'm not going to mess things up with my girlfriend and him by doing that again. If he doesn't trust me enough to share then I can't force him to because he'll probably just decide its all too much hassle and end things with her.

Also I think their current relationship wouldn't really be classed as serious right now anyway. We live quite far away and don't get to see him very much at all so really he doesn't have that responsibility.

The thing you said about healthy poly means healthy metamour kinda struck a chord with me. I've known this for a while you see, and when we started seeing Felix I got in touch with his wife because I thought it was rude not to. And she ignored me and refused to meet us or anything. I feel a little bit like they shouldn't be able to call themselves polyamorous. And if they are they must be bad at it. Maybe I'm just a tad bitter though.

Anyway, I've talked a lot to my girlfriend about this and the plan now is to invite him here for some time to hang out and also let him know in no certain terms that I'm still attracted to him. We're also going to find a way of bringing all this up in a way that won't scare him off or upset him. It's quite tricky. But I'm feeling quite a bit better about the whole situation now after our trip. Oh and I came out to my sister. Yay.
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazy1789 View Post
The thing you said about healthy poly means healthy metamour kinda struck a chord with me. I've known this for a while you see, and when we started seeing Felix I got in touch with his wife because I thought it was rude not to. And she ignored me and refused to meet us or anything. I feel a little bit like they shouldn't be able to call themselves polyamorous. And if they are they must be bad at it. Maybe I'm just a tad bitter though.
Healthy metamour doesn't mean being overly involved though. There needs to be respect for each other in having a relationship with the shared partner but it doesn't have to go much beyond that.

As for Felix and his wife being bad at poly, there are a million different ways to do poly. Just because she doesn't want to meet you doesn't mean anything. As long as Felix and his wife are communicating well and she's not trying to sabotage your wife's relationship with Felix I think they are poly. It could just be that she doesn't want to meet people in a contrived manner. If your wife feels a need to know Felix's wife then it is up to her to bring it up to him as a concern within their relationship.
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Old 10-15-2010, 09:49 PM
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The thing with "tough love" as you put it, is that it gets to the bottom of things fast before investing too much. There is also a difference I the way one is tough. As I said, I wouldn't necessarily approach people the way I said it but I would be sure they know that I mean business.

Personally if I were your partner I would just find it completely unappealing to be with someone who disrespects my partner. I don't care how good the sex is, it would ware thin if there is no communication between them and my other partners. I think it would be a matter of different approaches to poly and that would eventually end it for me.
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