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Old 01-24-2013, 09:40 AM
Meghan Meghan is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: SoCal
Posts: 11
Question In love with 2 men and confused

Hi everyone. Just a little about me, I'm 46 and have been married to the same man for the past 20 years - plus lived with him for 3 yrs before getting married. I love him dearly and don't want to lose him, but I don't know if I can stay with him either. When we got married we agreed that if either of us did anything outside of our marriage we just had to tell the other one about it. This has allowed him to kiss his ex-girlfriend and a coworker he was attracted to, get a BJ from a stranger, and go to strip clubs(for work).
Also, over the course of the years, he began belittling me and chipping away at my self-confidence bit by bit. I finally caught on to what was happening and made demands that he stop - and he has been making a real effort to change because he doesn't want to get divorced.
Now to introduce Sweetie. I met him at a conference that we both went to in August 2011. He walked into a room I was in waiting for a meeting to start and I felt an electric charge, I turned around saw him and knew he was the cause (I felt the same thing the first time I saw Hubby too). We spent the rest of the conference kind of dancing around each other. I found out later that I was driving him crazy because he couldn't figure me out. Of course the reason he couldn't figure me out was because every time we started getting close I would pull back because I wasn't self-confident enough to get involved with anyone.
Fast forward to August 2012, it's a yearly conference, met up with him again - except this time the hotel assigned us to adjacent rooms. By this time I had gotten fed up with Hubbys behavior and was standing up for myself. Sweetie and I ended up going to meals together, going for drinks after the end of the day, hanging out with each other during breaks and during down time. We did alot of talking, plus hugging and holding hands. The last night there we cuddled and made out (with no removal of clothes-my rule) like a couple of horny teenagers till he told me we'd best stop as we were pushing the limits of his self control. Also, Sweetie knew I was married and about the agreement Hubby and I had before we did anything. Sweetie is single and not presently dating anyone, though I encourage him to do so should he find someone he wants to.
Anyways, I got home and told Hubby what happened ASAP the first night I was back, per agreement. He didn't seem too upset, and I didn't worry about it. Did wonder where Sweetie lived, seemed happy when I told him in the Midwest, we live in SoCal. Then he realized we were texting or talking every other day or so. Hubby did not like that. Attempted to inform me that I wasn't allowed to do that, he lost that fight. In fact now Sweetie and I text and/or talk everyday. Usually it is just talking about our day or telling the other something about ourselves that we know the other one doesn't know. Sometimes it's flirting, sometimes I'll send him a ETB text (evil teasing bitch). A couple of times it's been phone sex. And sometimes it is me asking him for a male point of view in trying to understand Hubby.
The big problem to present itself came about in November. Hubby had made plans for one of his daughters to come visit at our house for a long weekend. There a lot of issues with this particular daughter and they have a lot to do with the problems Hubby and I have. He did ask me beforehand and I had agreed, reluctantly. I thought I could handle it, but as the date kept getting closer I started getting antsy, and short tempered, and having flashbacks. So Hubby suggested I go visit my brother while his daughter was at our house. One note, I have figured out-and Hubby knows-that Sweetie lives about a 50 minute drive (according to goggle maps) from my brother. Thus it is a given that I am going to see Sweetie while I am out there. Then Hubby decides unilaterally that our agreement that we have had for our entire marriage is null and void, and that if I sleep with Sweetie he will file for divorce. The same agreement that he has taken advantage of multiple times. He does allow that we can be as physically involved as we were at the conference. Not that it does me any good, I have to tell Sweetie about Hubby's ultimatum and Sweetie is determined not to cause any problems so there was very little that went on physically between us. Of course on the flip side we had much more intimate conversations than we had had on the phone prior to my visit. It wasn't till after that visit that we began conversing daily, and our conversations since then have been a lot deeper.
So basically where I'm at is that I love them both very much. I'm trying to work things out with Hubby, but I don't want to lose the love I have with Sweetie. Hubby loves me, but doesn't think - at this point that he can share me with another man. Sweetie loves me and only wants me to be happy. He does not want to feel like he is the cause of Hubby and I splitting if that is what ends up happening. Any comments?
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:41 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

My only comment is that hopefully Sweetie can realize that he isn't the cause of yours and Hubby's issues- they existed LONG before you met Sweetie. Nor is he the cause of your Hubby suddenly (and unilaterally) deciding that what has been the agreement for a couple decades is no longer acceptable.

I know a relationship without the physical aspect can be difficult, but it can be managed if you both want to do that. The fact that you are long distance may help- you will have far fewer temptations.

If I were you I would ask Hubby whether he plans on getting back on a place where your previous agreement holds. If he says "no", then you will need to decide if you're willing to stay with him. If he says "yes" then some sort of time frame needs to be established, with "milestones" that can be accomplished to show that he really is working on his issues and not just stringing you along.

I wish you luck!
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:02 AM
AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
AphroditeGoneAwry AphroditeGoneAwry is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: American Northwest
Posts: 92

Your story sounds amazingly like mine.

Why do you still love hubby so much? That is where we differ. By the time mine gave me the ultimatum, it was just too much to bear and it broke my eros for him.

I am very happy now. I converse with others who dig me for me, and allow me to be who I am.
in luce vive, vive in amore
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Old 01-25-2013, 10:52 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Hi! I want to comment on this, but have to start preparing lunch. I post this snippet in order to take this thread into my "Subscribed Threads" list, and will get back to you later.
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Old 01-25-2013, 07:44 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 12,961

Hi Meghan,
Welcome to our forum.

I pretty much agree with ThatGirlInGray: Timetables and milestones have to be set. If that doesn't happen, then you really have to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

Basically your husband is not acting reasonable. But, emotions are not always reasonable. So, I guess he feels what he feels. Perhaps there's some way to probe deeper and find out why he's acting this way. There may be more going on here than meets the eye.

I hope things work out well for you.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:40 AM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Hi again, Meghan!

It´s now past midnight and the rest of the household has gone to bed. Let me start by sharing with you a bit of advice that another member gave me when I was new here: When you come to the end of a paragraph, hit your "enter" key TWICE. That will create a space between your paragraphs and make it MUCH easier on the eyes, easier to read, and therefore easier to understand. [And remember that - unlike other cheapo-brand forums POLYAMORY:COM - with added AMAZOMATIC - allows you to edit your posts for up to 12 hours after you´ve sent them off, in case you notice a mistake or ambiguity on re-reading. HOWEVER... If another member makes a comment based on a misunderstanding of your post, it´s preferable to clear up any misunderstandings/ambiguities in a reply to their post, rather than editing your own, earlier one. The latter tactic would only lead to LATER readers of the thread becoming confused.]

OK, now to the point of your original post. As is my custom, I´m going to run past you a few crazy ideas/reactions that ran through my head when I read your post, and you can decide whether there´s anything in them worth considering. I´m not sure myself whether they´re on the ball or not...

a) I hate that
over the course of the years, he began belittling me and chipping away at my self-confidence bit by bit.
My father used to do that to my mother and had me and [I GUESS] my siblings seeing her as pitiful. As an adolescent and adult I began to stand up for her, had one or 2 showdowns with my father... and was delighted when she started to stand up for herself. His - and your husband´s - behaviour was ugly and despicable... a sign of an emotional cripple and a psychological weakling.

b) It is a boringly common tactic of many men (boring because it´s SO common) to sing the praises of "free love" and "open relationships"... as long as they´re ONLY free and open for HIM, not for HER. Everything´s just peachy-dandy until SHE wants a piece of the pie, too. Then it´s: "We have to re-evaluate our priorities" and "OUR relationship is more important: we need to protect it and not undermine it".
[Once I asked my mother for permission to take a - for me - important step. She told me that she couldn´t give her permission before consulting with my father: that they´d made an agreement when they married that all important decisions would be discussed and agreed upon by both of them. It later became blindingly obvious that that meant that she had to consult with him, but that he felt perfectly free - and justified - in making important decisions (that directly affected her) on his own.]

c) Having said that, and trying to be fair, I seem to understand that his extra-marital activities meant kissing 2 women, a blow job from another, and attending some/many strip-tease shows. I´m guessing that you´d want to take it further (physically) with Sweetie. Or are you going to be satisfied with a BJ and some cunnilingus? Does this have some bearing on your husband´s reluctance to allow you free rein? That he was "free" but only WANTED to wade in the surf, while you look like you´re interested in swimming the Channel?

d) Return that serve: Are you certain that it WAS only kisses, a BJ and some strip shows (for his JOB!!!)? Personally, I wouldn´t put too much faith in the integrity of a man who repeatedly tried to give his wife an inferiority complex.

e) There´s this thing called New Relationship Energy [NRE - do a tag search and read up on this]. Although you and Sweetie haven´t gone very far physically, his newness, his difference-to-Hubby might be making you blind to his faults and/or his true intentions. Not my opinion, just a point for consideration FWIW [for what it´s worth].

f) Personally speaking, and harking back to point c), I think that swimming the Channel is more admirable than wading in the surf. I might get some flak from other members on this, but I mean that - for me - kissing 2 women, getting a blow job from a total stranger, and getting paid for ogling strippers seems a sad and pathetic way of "flaunting the rules of monogamous propriety" [IF there was no deep emotional involvement in those kisses or BJ] compared to a [scary?] romantic/emotional dive into the deeper waves of a REAL relationship.

g) SOMETIMES "I love him so much" means "I need him: I´m not strong enough to stand on my own feet".

Until you give me some feedback on some of those points, I´m not going to give you any advice... except that you click on the poem title in the last of my 4 signatures, scroll to the bottom of that page, and read the poem. Share it with Hubby and Sweetie if you like. AND that you be honest with each other... and with yourselves!

A welcoming
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