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Old 01-22-2013, 12:18 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Default Need Help with Son hitting puberty

My husband and I have been open for three years. During that time I have had two serial relationships and he has had 1. Our son, who is 10, has a vague idea, but doesn't know anything concretely.
Here is the problem. Last night we found out that our son had been watching porn secretly online for a month. One could say I was a bad parent because I trusted him and he knows stuff that is off limits. It was abad mistake on my part, and I've solved that.

What I need help with is how to healthily deal with my sons sexuality when I am so conflicted about my own (my husband feels the same way). When he was small I told him sex is for two committed people who love each other. I knew used the word married because we are super pro-gay and know lots of committed unmarried straights. But now things are more complex. My husband and I have both done stuff that (for myself) I consider slutty (for ME NOT others) and have done a few things less than ethical. For example, my husband was supposed to go to a play-party last night and canceled.

We are both conflicted about what we do sexually. And I'm not sure how to deAL with my son.

A second issue is that my husband GF is very sexual. She constantly wants him to text he dirty messages, go to sex parities, and have a real kink-based relationship. I think it is getting harder for them because he is very very sexual, but has a ton of other commitments. She is single. Like last night, he told me she was disappointed that they didn't go out, and she still wanted sex even tho he had just gone through this and wasn't remotely interested. I worry about both of them, that they are just in such different life spaces that it won't pan out.

Any way, is anyone on here raising a teween/teen boy? He's a scorpio too ! Bla!
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  #2  
Old 01-22-2013, 01:27 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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What's wrong with your son watching porn? Humans are sexual creatures. If he's watching porn, then obviously he's grown interested in sex. You've had sex, haven't you? It's fun. Can you blame him?

Your only mistake was trusting him not to be human. How silly of you.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that sex should be reserved for marriage. What a horrible way to ruin your wedding night!

Not to mention, anyone who thinks that teaching abstinence is an effective way of preventing...anything...is kidding themselves. Teach kids about condoms. Teach them what happens when you don't use condoms. Give them condoms. Give their friends and romantic partners condoms when they come to visit. Teach them about the joys of sex and encourage them to explore their bodies. Teach them the value of self-worth and that it's ok to share their bodies, but only on their own terms.

By teaching kids abstinence, you literally force them to figure that out on their own and from their often misguided friends. You teach them to hide it from you when they become sexually active, for fear of getting in trouble or disappointing you.

When she started hitting puberty, my husband sat his daughter down and told her every pickup line he'd ever used to trick a girl into having sex with him. Then he gave her a vibrator and a box of condoms. When she started experimenting with her female friends, he encouraged them to explore their bodies without guilt or fear. Later, when she started having sex with boyfriends, guess which parent she told? I'll give you a hint: it wasn't the one who tried to hide the truth about sex.

She's about to turn 20 and has managed not to become pregnant or contract any diseases. Meanwhile, many of her friends are teen parents. She lives in a repressed semi-rural town. I credit my husband 100% for his daughter's success. She has a healthy relationship with sex, she knows what she wants and what she doesn't, she respects her body. She chooses partners who respect her choices and sends them packing if they pressure her. Oh, and she talks with us (my husband and I, not her Mom) about all of this. Sex-positive parenting FTW!

Also... how do you know that your son has only a vague idea? Kids are much more clever than their parents tend to give them credit for. The only way you could "know" that he doesn't know is by asking him, which is impossible to do without spilling the beans. How can you be sure no one else knows, and that he hasn't heard it through the grapevine. Would you rather your son learn about your relationships from his parents, or from the kids at school teasing him about it?
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-22-2013 at 01:45 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-22-2013, 02:29 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Thank for your reply. I think there is a lot wrong with a 10 year old watching porn! If he were 14 or 16 it would be different. He is still a child and as a child, not ready to cope with the complexity of it all. By his own self-admission, he found himself feeling depressed.

I am much mire li beryl than others (I know people who have 11 year olds and have never discussed sex with them - this actually seems the norm). And much ienjoy more liberal than others - I think sex is for adults, I think it's complex and tied into all sorts of things, not usually just about fucking and having fun. I also think porn is complicated. I do watch and enjoy it, I but I find it extremely male-centric, anti-feminist, and I wonder often if the women are being coerced. They never seem to be enjoying themselves, but showing off for men and seeking approval. This is not all porn, but most.

Part of the pain I am having is watching a child grow up. I don't know if people without children can understand this pain.

I was also unclear, but I don't teach anbistance. I would want, for my son, to have sex with people he loves or cares about.

My own feeling about sex probably are conservative. I believe sex isn't just "fun." I believe, for me, it reaches deeply into who I am, my needs, and neurosis and problems with childhood, etc.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:30 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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"I am much mire li beryl than others (I know people who have 11 year olds and have never discussed sex with them - this actually seems the norm). And much ienjoy more liberal than others "

Sorry! Much more conservative/liberal
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:34 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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"
Also... how do you know that your son has only a vague idea? Kids are much more clever than their parents tend to give them credit for. The only way you could "know" that he doesn't know is by asking him, which is impossible to do without spilling the beans. How can you be sure no one else knows, and that he hasn't heard it through the grapevine. Would you rather your son learn about your relationships from his parents, or from the kids at school teasing him about it?
__________________"

I know he doesn't know because I asked him if he thought his father kissed "X" his father's girlfriend, and other such questions. Yes, it is possible without spilling the beans. So he wither doesn't know or doesn't want to know. How would any kids at his school know about my sex life? LOL
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:02 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Here's what I can tell you. I have three girls, yesh DH is sharpening knives a lot in preparation for them dating! Anyway, I was not comfortable hiding things and so they have had exposure to a lot of things. Since the oldest was born I would take my kids with me. Attachment parenting they call it. I was probably just not willing to leave them out of my life! They have gone to role play parties with me, the D&D and vampire kind, coffee houses, seen me host role plays at the house, gone to the theater with me when I worked there. Hosted dinners for other theater friends. So from the time they were able to go outside with proper clothing, they have been around people that were of different sexualities and relationship types.

When they were between the ages of 9 -12 they went to a camp with us for the summer where it was clothing optional. Among other things. THere were special things in place so kids weren't exposed to the super kinky but the weird? Oh there was no escaping it!

I started the sex talk when the oldest was 11 and the youngest was 8. Why? Kids aren't kids. I hate it I do, but there's little I can do about the fact that my elementary aged kids come home talking about friends that were mad at them for talking to a boy about a movie when they were going steady, or dating! Who dates at 9??!

So I suggest you start the sex talks! Keep it to what they will understand at their age. Then keep having it. I've had it I don't know how many times at this point! When I found out my oldest was texting grown men on sex chats her talks changed a bit. We still have talks. I'll go through the basics and then let the youngest go while I talk more mechanics with the older ones.

Nothing wrong with being curious and as far as I know, (all girls remember, though I've got nephews and raised my two brothers), boys can have wet dreams as young as 10 so yeah, there's going to be curious. I personally don't think you need to get into condoms and the mechanics of sex just yet. If you can, stall that conversation about oral, anal, diseases and what feels good versus what sounds good when you are writing horny messages to each other. It's not fun, and I've had it several times.

Doubt at his age you need to worry that far ahead yet. So, start with the basics. Guys, girls, different parts, what feels good, exploring your own body. So not old enough physically for exploring with a 'girlfriend' yet and definitely not old enough in his mind, soul, or heart. That's the toughest talk really. Trying to explain as they get older that no matter how adult they think they are, how intelligent everyone says they are, the heart and soul are just not up for all that sex entails.

oh! And answer questions honestly. Even if the honest answer is "I don't know." Or "I'm still figuring it out myself." That last one is powerful. After all, if mom and dad are still figuring stuff out how can they be expected to know it all!
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:32 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Here is the problem. Last night we found out that our son had been watching porn secretly online for a month. One could say I was a bad parent because I trusted him and he knows stuff that is off limits. It was abad mistake on my part, and I've solved that.
Problem? As long as he isnt watching it ten hours a day or going for the real rape stuff, I'm not seeing the problem. I know it's probably a little disconcerting but he WILL get access to the stuff one way or another. Better to let him access it at your house where you have a little more control over the situation rather than a friend's house or public computer where there is far less control.

For myself personally, I started looking at porn fairly young and it actually taught me a lot about the human body in general. Up to that point, I had thought everyone was shaped like I was; flat, no lines, no shape, no color, and I hadn't really developed the eye to see around clothing. Seeing porn actually de-mystified both my own body and the female body. As far as learning how real sex works, its half-and-half for a good/crap ratio but for actual understanding of the human body its good.

Quote:
What I need help with is how to healthily deal with my sons sexuality when I am so conflicted about my own (my husband feels the same way). When he was small I told him sex is for two committed people who love each other. I knew used the word married because we are super pro-gay and know lots of committed unmarried straights. But now things are more complex. My husband and I have both done stuff that (for myself) I consider slutty (for ME NOT others) and have done a few things less than ethical. For example, my husband was supposed to go to a play-party last night and canceled.

We are both conflicted about what we do sexually. And I'm not sure how to deAL with my son.
Sitting him down and explaining everything is likely to go over his head. Kids are sharp but you're throwing around concepts that people dont even get in their 30's and 40's. Best thing to do if you REALLY feel like something has to be explained, give him the bullet points and stress that you (or anyone you trust to do so) will answer any questions he has honestly and without pulling any punches. He'll ask the questions when he's ready.

Just dont bullshit him or give him the "I'll tell you when you're older" line

Quote:
Any way, is anyone on here raising a teween/teen boy? He's a scorpio too ! Bla!
I was one, if that helps.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
But could raise him to respect a Good Sex Share -- it is a SHARE. Not a think to be TAKEN by force. If you hammer nothing else into his head, hammer that in, how to ask nicely for consent, and safer sex practices so his mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health as an adult are in decent shape.
I second this as hard as anything as has ever been seconded.

Make it clear that under no circumstances does someone OWE him sex and coercing or manipulating someone as well as trying to override their comfort levels by "nicing" them into having sex with you is just as bad, if not worse, than actively forcing yourself on someone.
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Last edited by Helo; 01-23-2013 at 08:36 AM.
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  #8  
Old 01-23-2013, 02:48 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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When our boys were 12 and 10, we got a call from my sister, whom we had just lived with for 8 months while we built a house, that my 12 year old nephew had crashed his computer with viruses from a porn site and that maybe we should talk to our sons about it. We did talk to them and told them that it's fine to be interested and want to look but that maybe the internet isn't the best place to look, since there is some weird stuff out there. We ended up blocking the internet access on the younger one's Ninetendo DS because he was using it in his bedroom to look at porn and we didn't like that we had little control over the content. We opened that access for him around when he was 14 again.

We also decided that since they were interested, that we'd buy magazines, since then at least we'd know the content that they were getting. We got Maxim because it's racy but fully clothed, which seemed to be what the older one mostly wanted. We also got Playboy because, for the most part, they present things tastefully. We have a whole collection of them on a shelf downstairs that they can take from whenever they want and we don't keep track of anything that they have.

I think it's important to emphasis that sex is something natural and something that most people are interested in. I'd try to work out what issues you have about sex, yourself, because it's possible that you'll pass those issues on to your son without meaning to.

My kids are 16 and 18 now. They seem to have a healthy understanding of sex and life, though they haven't dated yet. I'm fine with that, since they'll have plenty of time to be adults eventually.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:13 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default You might want be careful with terms like "slut"

You should careful using any term that has to do with sexuality and using a negative or otherwise shameful slant.

I would be concerned about my son or daughter being introduced to sexuality with porn. It's not that a good introduction can't be done with porn, or that porn is a bad thing, but it definitely can be.

Too many adults have done themselves a disservice by accepting the belief that their sexuality is something to be ashamed of, and that takes a lot of work to undo after it's been so engrained

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 01-24-2013 at 01:15 AM. Reason: I was being a dick about it, which was completely uncalled ofr
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