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Old 01-21-2013, 11:34 PM
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Default In the beginning.....was confusion.

Being entirely new to this, it's with some trepidation that I start this blog. I have so many questions, and so little insight. I have so much to learn, and no real life guides to turn to. For me, the first step has always been to read, read, read, and try to educate myself as best I can from the resources available. Then, when I feel I have the ability to ask a question, (preferably not one that has already been asked and answered a million times before ) I can venture out.
The first problem I see is simply one of semantics. It appears that for someone new, the chances of putting a foot wrong by not expressing clearly and correctly what they are asking can lead to a veritable shitstorm of confusion, possibly the leaving the newcomer ashamed, wigged out, and wishing they had thought to put on a helmet before posting. Maybe one of those with a faceguard.

While looking for information on triads, I found this post by Zylya:
(slightly trimmed)

“The second set, which applies to me personally, is the group of people who simply prefer triads to other relationship configurations. For me, saying I'm looking for someone to join our relationship shouldn't hold any implications of unicorn-hunting, because that's not how I view relationships, but I will admit it is probably a lazy use of language on my part. The thing for me is that saying "I'm looking for someone to join us" is far simpler than saying "I hope to find another person that we're both interested in, to some degree, who is also into us, to some degree, that we could form a whole cluster of mutually enjoyable and beneficial romantic and sexual relationships, together with no prejudice based on previous relationship status and with no unrealistic expectations other than to be totally honest with each other and let things develop naturally."

If I had to type that out every time, I'd get arthritis in my wrists in no time. "to join us" is just a short-hand way of saying that for me. If you think about, any relationship is a joining of two people, it's just that saying you're looking for someone to join me/us is simply from my perspective. It doesn't mean that I think the other person doesn't have a perspective, it's just a way of phrasing it.

To me, it seems like a lot of people say something without carefully considering their words, and so people assume things that weren't necessarily intended, and could've been avoided with a better use of language.”


EEEEEEEK! Arthritis seems to be the least of the pain involved with having to type that repeatedly, and yet failure to clarify will likely lead to the Land of Nothing Good. It seems to me a lot of people arrive here in mid-crisis, having experienced some kind of upheaval in their relationships and being thrust into the idea of “more than two” without any prep time. Others appear to have come voluntarily, but without any long periods of reflection on what the consequences to their lives will really be. For my partner and I, there has already been over a year of casual discussions, and now the agreement that at least another year should be spent examining the issue in detail before making any moves forward in terms of real life people. Are we too cautious? It seems that no matter how much preparation goes into this, unintended issues will arise. The best we can do is expect the unexpected. Is it worth it? Not something we will know until we try, I suppose. But to not try will have consequences also. For myself, leaving things as they are means ignoring who I really am, and that has become unacceptable to me. For my partner, it means leaving some truly serious questions unanswered. For both of us, my fear is that failing to address these issues now will lead to regret later, when we are both too old and withered and prune-like to be able to do anything about it.
Am I morbid for worrying about the regrets I’ll have on my death bed? Heh. Probably.
Then again, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Especially if The Pidge is the one driving the bus!!
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Old 01-22-2013, 08:33 AM
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Default Studly Sixpack Or Grizzly Grandpa?

People are curious creatures. I've been reading at some other sites and there seems to be this....trend.
Married couple decides to try open marriage--hot young girlfriend is located--quickly becomes obvious Young Hotty is much more into the husband than the Wife--chaos ensues. Wife does superhuman things to try to make things work--husband repeatedly disrespects Wife in order to champion Young Hotty--Wife's brains begin to boil within her skull--Young Hotty reaps the benefits of appearing to be the easy going one--Wife takes on the burden of supporting Young Hottie, either financially, emotionally, or spiritually--Husband continues to disregard the needs of Wife in order to pacify Young Hotty. Wife ends up being Young Hotty's surrogate mother, teaching her basic manners and ethics, while husband has his nose sharply nipped when Young Hottie's ardor for him cools and she plays the "I get another boyfriend in addition to Husband!" card. Husband comes crying to Wife that he feels abandoned. Wife gives him comfort.
All of this makes me convinced that The Pidge and I are lucky to be two women possibly opening up to the idea of meeting a man. Also, if we do go out to meet someone, he'd better be a combination of Rooster Cogburn and Grizzly Adam's grandpa; someone with rampant ear and nose hair, those eyebrows that look like cat whiskers, a paunch belly, bowlegs, and his pants hiked up to his armpits. His idea of a good time will be the early bird buffet special at the local Chuck Wagon, followed by a quiet evening of Laurence Welk reruns, a glass of Metamucil, and safely tucked into bed by 7pm. Yup, this will be the man of our dreams. If by some freak of fate, we were to meet swaggering young Studly Sixpack, The Pidge can throw some quarters in the air and while he's distracted ("Oh, look!!! Sparkly!! Shiny!!") she and I will beat a hasty retreat to the Nash Rambler and get our saggy butts home where they belong. Too much youth and beauty is just not where we want to go.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:44 AM
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Default Asked and answered

I posted my first question today and got some really great answers and two new links to sites I had never heard of. It's clear now that by trying to fit questions based on a standard mindset to a non-monogamous situation, I'm not going to find the answers. I'd never really thought before about how for people in small sub-sections of the population, no sweeping answers are available for their group as a whole. I guess in my mind it seemed like if you just knew where to look, someone somewhere had gotten a grant and done surveys and research. The internet seems these days like you can find anything--the numbers of one-eyed Saggitarian platypus living in one square mile of swamp eating only green and yellow slugs? Look *here*...
The Pidge and I have talked recently about how terrified I am to make mistakes, because in my family mistakes are not acceptable. The constant judgement of even the simplest choices eats away at my brain until I am almost paralyzed, for fear of doing the thing wrong. To me, a lot of the people I have been reading about seem fearless, leaping into shark-infested waters and risking their lives without any sign of terror that it will lead to huge regret. I can remember being able to do that, many decades ago, but it seems beyond my capabilities now. And yet, just like it was with meeting Pidge, eventually it came to the point that I just had to do it to know if I could do it. When did I become such an utter chickenshit? This must be one of those things where they say people only move when the pain of moving becomes less than the pain of standing still. I really miss the good old days, when trying something new was based in enthusiasm, and not just fear. Middle age is not fun. Not right now, anyway.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:16 AM
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Default Chew the newbie

Mmmmmm.......Take that first bite. Oh, the tender, flaky crust. Buttery and luscious, folded over on itself so many times, and lightly golden brown. Delicate and rich, just the way a first time poster should taste. Like a croissant, but not necessarily French. Like an Egg McMuffin, but glorified and brushed by an angel's wing tip. Still warm from the oven, just the way we like it.
And the filling!!!! Fresh meat, clearly. And not some tough old mutton, either. No, this is the GOOD STUFF! This is lamb, this is veal, this is baby squid still squirming as you swallow. This is the stuff Anthony Bourdain dreams of when he's been swilling absinthe. This is the stuff Andrew Zimmern would trek across the globe to try.
Tiny cubes of succulent nervousness, in a creamy white sauce comprised of equal parts insecurity and the desire to be welcomed. Is that a hint of trepidation, perhaps infused into the olive oil? No? Chive, then? Fear of rejection? I never would have guessed!
How did you get that shine to the top? Ah....a wash of second thoughts, applied with a brush just after it came out of the oven. Clever.
Nothing feels better than coming home from a hard day, and settling in with a nice glass of white wine and a steaming plate of Forum Newbie. It's even better when you spoil yourself, and use the good china.
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Default

Quote:
For my partner and I, there has already been over a year of casual discussions.
Good. You took a good while to deliberate each of your willingness.

Quote:
now the agreement that at least another year should be spent examining the issue in detail before making any moves forward in terms of real life people. Are we too cautious?
There's initial willingness and then there's mapping out the plan if you want to go in with a plan. The HOW you want to do it. To want to polyship WELL and from a solid foundation is commendable.

Because different people bring different skills to the table, there is no "how much time is enough time" that is the SAME AMOUNT of time for every polyship that wants to go in with a plan. (Some don't and like winging it on the fly -- that's fine too) Could just take the time required for THIS polyship to be on solid ground before launching a new mission.

Quote:
It seems that no matter how much preparation goes into this, unintended issues will arise. The best we can do is expect the unexpected.
Yup. Can map out how THIS polyship will deal if it encounters common mistakes and lay out a plan to cope.

But can also accept it is not possible (nor should you try) to predict each and every situation Life will throw your way. Can't spend all your life "What Iffing." You will miss your Life by not being present for it! Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Could focus on having set out conflict resolution method you both can deal in to sort out whatever conflict arises.

Could choose to set out how you want to part ways, should that ever come to pass. Fix the two end points, then let it be what it will be in the middley bit there -- in the good faith in each other that you both will treat each other WELL regardless where you are within that scope. Be it solving a conflict problem thing, being just fine, or being at landing the polyship and disbanding the mission.

You will be ok.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2013 at 08:34 PM.
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  #6  
Old 01-29-2013, 07:43 PM
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Default Thank you Gala Girl

I just wanted to say thanks for your response. Your comments and suggestions have been uniformly kind and helpful, and you always come across with the links, too!
The Pidge and I had a really good talk about all of this yesterday, and I think we have reasons to be reassured by how similar our goals are, and our plans for how to handle this. Bottom line, it'll be a learning experience no matter how it ends up. I hope for both our sakes, and for the sake of our as-yet mysterious Third, Toilet Seat Guy, it ends on a positive note.
In our three years together Pidgie and I have gone through some wacky and scary stuff together, and through it all our friendship has been solid as a rock. I truly believe that no matter what happens, it always will be. That comforts me.
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