Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-30-2010, 11:28 AM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 52
Default the ole Monogamy Blues

A conversation I had last night with a new partner prompted me to reassess my feelings about monogamy. Before I met my long term boyfriend, over a year ago, I'd been monogamous for my entire life. Since meeting and falling for him, we've both embarked on our first poly relationship, and although I had issues with it and it required some hard work to become accustomed to, I can safely say I am a convert to the poly way of life. I love the openness, the honesty, communication and freedom I get from polyamory.

My long term boyfriend, my new boyfriend and I are all relatively new to polamory and are navigating the way carefully together. So, last night, when we were on the phone, my new love and I started talking about urges we'd had towards monogamy. We've both said before that the love that's growing between us has sparked up what I see as natural urges to own one another or to run off together. We are both so accustomed to monogamy and so new to poly, that there is still that ghost of monogamy that haunts our brain functions now and then. He made a joke about how funny it would be if we'd met before we became poly and had become exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend.
What surprised me, was the instant emotional reaction I had to that comment. My heart jumped and cried out "yes! that's what I want!" to be owned and safe and secure with one monogamous man. This was instantly followed by a strong sense of sadness and loss and I began to cry.

I realized that the sadness came from the loss of belief in that way of life. Similar to the moment you realize that your parents are flawed human beings and not the Gods you grew up believing they were, or similar to the urge to play like a child, but not being able to go there anymore like you did before. Each time I picture me and my new partner in a monogamous relationship, I picture having to break up with my long term boyfriend or having to limit the feelings I have for other people and the fantasy fades and dies. but for a brief moment, it overtook me so strongly. I wonder if anyone else out there has felt similar feelings and how they perceived and dealt with them?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-30-2010, 09:36 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Oh boy can I relate fairweather! I remember the same reaction when Mono and I talked of being exlclusive with one another. I have no doubt he would be a dedicated and faithful love until I die. I on the other hand would sway at this point in my life. Eventually I foresee being satisfied to either be alone or have one love. This pace is tiring and I wouldn't want to keep it up as an old woman. For now it works for us to have the life we do. For all of us. I couldn't be with Mono without PN and my boy and I couldn't be with PN without Mono and
Derby. Something would be missing and imbalanced for me. Yet that urge to have one for oneself and be for one only is huge!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-30-2010, 11:49 PM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 52
Default

thanks for the feedback. It means a lot to me to hear about similar experiences from others. I feel the same way about my partners. In fact, if my boyfriend's partner were to disapear, I'd still feel like something is missing.

Thanks again
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-01-2010, 02:44 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

For me, it wasn't the idea that I was not going to be in a monogamous relationship that struck me the hardest. My personal monogamy is intact. It is the leaving behind the world I used to know that caused me the greatest pause I think; not the people as individuals but the immediate acceptance. I'm happy but I am not like the people I used to know anymore. To get true acceptance takes too much work. I don't fit seamlessly into the majority anymore and although I have always been individual and independent from what people expected and snubbed the system to a degree, I lost a very common thing with them. They don't focus on the fact that we love the same, they focus on the dynamic of that love.

I don't feel sadness in knowing I share RP's heart with the people in her life. I feel sadness in the knowledge that she is capable of so much more love and my impact on how that changes her life.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-01-2010, 08:33 AM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 622
Smile

Hi Fayerweather,

I am also mono and relate strongly to what mono said about feeling out of step with most of my friends. Infact we monos in poly relationships are probably more out of step than anyone because we really don't fit into poly groups either.

We've been at this for a couple of years now and I no longer seem to get the "ole mono blues". It was like I had to go through a grieving process for the perfect fairytale mono relationship that I am unlikely now to have. But once that was done it was done and I haven't even thought about it for ages. Your post reminded me that it used to be there and now it's not. That's a good thing, thanks
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-01-2010, 10:02 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228
Default

Bearing in mind I am only 10 weeks in....and of course I am still mono...there are moments when I grieve for what I have lost (or think I have). The fact that my wife needed someone else after 20 years meant that I had failed as a husband. For whatever reason I was not enough.... those are powerful bad feelings.
She tells me it's not true. I push those feelings away because that way lies madness for monos...
__________________
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:18 AM.