Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-20-2013, 06:45 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 63
Default Recovering from coerced non-monogamy

Origin story is pretty cliche: Long time married, Wife fell in love, decided she was polyamorous.

Despite tons of advice about slowing down and making sure everyone is on board, it seems to me that "Surprise Non-monogamy" is a fairly common occurance and it can be a serious upheaval.

Right now, I'm struggling with overcoming some resentment from feeling that I was hijacked into this new relationship model. At the beginning, it was a pretty big violation.

FYI, Wife cringes at how things went down in the beginning so I feel kind of like I'm kicking a puppy. I'm just trying to figure out how to get over things.

Thanks.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-20-2013, 07:47 PM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Great Northwet
Posts: 36
Default It was probably a surprise to you both

You could be my husband posting! He felt (& sometimes may still feel) the exact same way. So sorry to hear those feelings are still prevalent because of course you're right, the relationship is not what you envisioned when you married and is now something that you never even entertained as a possibility.

Speaking as the "kicked puppy"; she's feeling massive guilt for "hi-jacking" the marriage into a different type of relationship. She LOVES you and feels awful for hurting you. She's also trying to be very true & honest to herself and you. Chances are it was a shock to her as well that she could so powerfully love more than one person. But she does and she wants to express, feel and share that love and she doesn't want anyone to hurt. She's so grateful right now that you feel it's worth the hardship & pain to stay in the marriage & make it work.

You must be an incredible man to fight for this, to feel the pain and do it anyway. It takes a REAL man to endure all this and love her through all the changes. Wish there was a magic wand to help with your resentment, it's understandable and you are so very entitled to feel that way. Perhaps focus on the love? In our case & it seems others mentioned in this site; it does get easier, better with time & practice.

OH! & get some hobbies, buddies, sex partners; SOMETHING to help "distract" you during the tougher times. That's what seems to have worked best for my husband. He's not (yet?) found the same kind of connection as my bf & me, but he has found some really lovely ladies that have been wonderful FWB type additions to his life, & he's turned his frustration & anger toward working out; been a great stress relief.

HUGS! Hang in there.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-20-2013, 08:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,986
Default

So you are willing to stay in the marriage?

Has wife apologized, asked for your forgiveness and is she willing to make amends? Are you willing to forgive and willing to give her opportunity to make amends and put it behind you? Are you both willing to do the work to move past the resentment?

THIS time you have another opportunity for BOTH to get on board before moving it along. Could be healing to take the time to actually calibrate, coordinate, and do it that way this time -- the rebuilding of trust.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-20-2013 at 11:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-20-2013, 11:12 PM
graviton's Avatar
graviton graviton is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317
Default

I'm in the same situation ice however I'm the guy who caused the surprise nonmonogamy. I feel bad for my lovers husband and feel selfish but I think everything about love is selfish its just a matter of who is being selfish and in what capacity. When something like this happens you need to make a tough decision and lie in the bed you made for yourself.
a. deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation, give her the ultimatum and make her choose, this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
b. Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.

good luck
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-21-2013, 01:50 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,352
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
a. deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation, give her the ultimatum and make her choose, this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
b. Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.

good luck
c. Take responsibility for your own life and your feelings. Stop trying to make this a discussion about "the relationship" and bring it into terms that you actually have any real input on (your own feelings and actions). All you can do is figure out what is right for you and make decisions accordingly. If your spouse has told you that she wants to live a non-monogamous life and this is antithetical to your worldview... make a rational decision based on the facts at hand.
__________________
Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-21-2013, 03:43 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 671
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I'm in the same situation ice however I'm the guy who caused the surprise nonmonogamy. I feel bad for my lovers husband and feel selfish but I think everything about love is selfish its just a matter of who is being selfish and in what capacity. When something like this happens you need to make a tough decision and lie in the bed you made for yourself.
Except he didn't exactly make this bed. This bed was flipped over while he was sleeping and tossed on him!

I personally think selfish is the antithesis of love. I cannot fathom hurting the one I love, feeling guilt and selfishness over it, knowing the one I love hurts, and dismissing it and justifying it with, "Oh, well, all love is selfish."

Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
a. deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation, give her the ultimatum and make her choose, this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
b. Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.
These choices feel like a bit of blame the victim to me. Perhaps she could learn to lose her resentment, too. Perhaps she could forgo the lover for his happiness. Why would it be on the one who had the tables turned on him to agree to the mid-stream change in rules?

It is a perfectly legitimate choice to not accept a marriage that includes your spouse having lovers.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-21-2013, 04:05 AM
graviton's Avatar
graviton graviton is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Except he didn't exactly make this bed. This bed was flipped over while he was sleeping and tossed on him!

I personally think selfish is the antithesis of love. I cannot fathom hurting the one I love, feeling guilt and selfishness over it, knowing the one I love hurts, and dismissing it and justifying it with, "Oh, well, all love is selfish."



These choices feel like a bit of blame the victim to me. Perhaps she could learn to lose her resentment, too. Perhaps she could forgo the lover for his happiness. Why would it be on the one who had the tables turned on him to agree to the mid-stream change in rules?

It is a perfectly legitimate choice to not accept a marriage that includes your spouse having lovers.
In my analysis I am assuming that she wants the lover enough and has done enough soul searching to decide that she is willing to fight for this new relationship. The bed I am referring to is the one made by choosing either a or b when responding to her desire. This scenario seems pretty typical for "coerced" nonmonagomy.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-21-2013, 08:57 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,287
Default

Have you done any marriage counseling ?

At the begining it sounds like it started out as cheating and or lots of dishonesty what motivated you at the time to stay....how has that changed now. What do you get out of this new dynamic ? Is / was the hi jack worth it ...today...what's life like today ? What do you envision the future to look like ? Long term planning ?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-21-2013, 11:17 AM
graviton's Avatar
graviton graviton is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317
Default

Hmmm seems like there are some bitter hurt people on these forums looking to teach us all a lesson for the pain they have suffered.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-23-2013, 08:03 AM
PhilosophicallyLost's Avatar
PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 47
Default

I am struggling with my husband somewhat on this note, too. I sprung the surprise on him May of last year.

I will voice something my oldest brother mentioned to me....marriage should be treated as a partnership. As partners, you both are supposed to come to major changes in your life together. It should not be dictated by her or by you. If it did not start out this way, hopefully you two have taken steps since then in embarking on this journey together. If monogamy is not an option for her, I can see how it does make you feel coerced. You probably feel like your choice was either go along with it or face divorce. It seems you could benefit from discussing your feelings with her further, and emphasize the need for you both to discuss needs and wants. You are partners, after all. Then maybe negotiate from there how you both can find a happier place. The compromises will be tough but hopefully they should serve both you and her, as well as the other person she cares for. I wish you the best of luck.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:41 AM.