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Old 09-25-2010, 02:09 AM
kopoa kopoa is offline
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Unhappy Help please, I'm having a hard time swallowing poly

Hi guys, I'm an unwilling newbie. I'm really, really, trying to figure out poly and whether I can accept it. Right now, it makes me feel rather queasy. It's really the interest of my semi-boyfriend. He tells me that he is naturally mono but likes shaping his personality into better forms, and that he is interested in conquering his jealousy and developing rewarding relationships with more than one person. This all sounds great on paper, but when he talks about girls who interest him, I just get this awful feeling in my stomach, and worse, do not want to talk about it.

He tells me that I come before poly, and that if I don't want him to pursue it he won't. He has been amazing so far, and I don't want to force him to give up on something like this that really interests him. I want to either see if I would enjoy having multiple partners myself, or whether I could tolerate (and even be happy about) his having other partners.

Here's part of the situation: we're long distance right now. I could sleep with/have relationships with other people, but I simply don't want to. He probably would if he could, but he is not in a position to where he is right now. All we've talked about with poly has been purely speculative. I think it would be different if I were friends with and liked the girls he was interested in, but right now they are a big scary mystery bag, and the concept of ploy is just a concept.

This is really, really bothering me. I'm fighting every urge to run and hide and not deal with these feelings. But I really care about him and want him to be happy.

If you have any advice, please help. Thanks!
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Old 09-25-2010, 02:35 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Hi!
It definitely is scary when a partner comes out as poly (or, in this case, poly-curious it seems), and the distance would make it worse.
You are right that the unknown is the worst part. When you can know and meet people, and feel part of the relationships, it's much easier, not that it's necessarily easy either of course.

As you going to be long distance for a long time, do you know? I would sincerely recommend putting this off until you can be physically together. Both because this way you can be sure you're not "filling a void" caused by not being together (which wouldn't be nice for the partners filling these voids, nor good for your relationship I think), and so you can be there to walk through it together.

Alternately, you could go at it if you talked a lot so the other feels involved. The problem is that just hearing about people and not actually getting to know them is probably not going to work. Your imagination fills in the blanks in the worst way possible. It would need to be people you get to talk to as well (online or something), and that before he has a relationship with them. So you can get to know them and see how comfortable you feel.
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Old 09-25-2010, 02:54 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I hope that you have a good read around these boards and make use of other peoples stories. There is a lot of really interesting things on here too if you do a search by tag or otherwise or read on the stickies provided.

I'm glad to hear that he is taking his time with this and going at a pace that is comfortable for you. that is important. I'm glad to hear also that you are talking to him and telling him how you feel. It's so important to stay honest and respectful to one another.

You are not alone my friend. I can guarantee you that

stay well and know that all gets better with time... make sure you take your time.. there is no rush to get it all right now.
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Old 09-25-2010, 06:20 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Some people are just wired mono. I feel like I am one. I have no interest in meeting or getting to know another woman. I guess you will not know about that till you try.
About your boyfriend, the long distance thing is a killer I would say. If you are happy to talk about it theoretically then carry on, but tell him you don't want him to do ANYTHING until you are together properly. This will test whether he respects you enough for a poly relationship.
As the unwilling (or should I say hesitant) partner, I believe YOU should set the rules and the pace. That worked in my case. Good luck!
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:47 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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So what is the plan for the future regardless of all the conceptual poly talk? Are you to be moving to his location. He to move to where you are? Or will you both be moving to a new place together?

I ask because my SO and I spent almost a year in a LDR after we met in my hometown and dated for a year. I had never been in a LDR before simply because I had seen friends go through it and crash and burn for the suspicion of infidelity and/or real infidelity.

In discussing my concerns for a LDR, I told him I didn't want any pledges to remain faithful. I decided that he just WOULD sleep with others and maybe I would too. I told him that when the time came for the distance to be eliminated, we would just assess if we still had love for each other despite knowing either or both of us might have been with someone else. I felt I would rather focus on that than wonder about hidden nights of having a one off and keeping it a secret.

In the end, neither of us remained faithful, but the compatibility and love was still there. My only real concern in moving to where he had moved was the impression my absence might give to anyone he had been with. Would they have regard for me and my position in his life after having had him to themselves and me being this idea akin to "my GF, you wouldn't know her; she lives in Canada and I met her at Niagra Falls"?

It became very important to me that they at least knew I existed and that what they were entering into with him might very well be a short lived thing. In the end, I never met a single one. He had two ONSs and one several months situation where she tried to lasso him away; he declined and she dropped him and the subject. I was never in the position to worry or fret while it was happening because I didn't know the dynamic while it was happening. He wanted me here and protected that option for us.
I had a few months situation on my end and was very up front about the fact that I would be moving away. The guy I was seeing, after two months, admitted that he had designs on changing my mind from go. I stopped seeing him once I knew his intentions.

All in all, it was good practice for seeing that sex won't sustain or kill a real connection if the compatibility and emotions are genuine. And hey - if they are not real, you didn't loose anything that was ever going to be right for you in the first place.
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Old 09-25-2010, 02:13 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Vinccenzo,

I liked your post. Compared to mine I think that shows up the difference between a mono talking and a poly.
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Old 09-27-2010, 05:21 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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kopoa, what is this study you mention to do with voles? Do you have a link to it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
In the end, neither of us remained faithful, but the compatibility and love was still there........

All in all, it was good practice for seeing that sex won't sustain or kill a real connection if the compatibility and emotions are genuine. And hey - if they are not real, you didn't loose anything that was ever going to be right for you in the first place.
I love this... thank you for this reminder. connection and compatibility out last way longer than just sex.
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:09 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Kopa,

You make a great candidate for weighing in on another thread I started a few days ago.

You you be willing to go through a little exercise..........

1>Read, study, learn as much about a good poly relationship as you can
2> Do a comparison, from your own life, values and viewpoint, about the pros and cons of a mono life vs a poly life
3> Make your decision based on this, move forward in whichever direction felt best for you - and let us know.

Be awesome if you could help !

Thanks either way........

GS
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Old 09-26-2010, 03:03 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Is there a poly community in your area? I got comfortable with poly gradually while being around poly people and seeing how they did things, what went well, what didn't. I think most people aren't hard-wired poly or mono, that it's like the Kinsey spectrum, that some people are at both extremes and really couldn't be happy with the other thing, but there's a lot of people in the middle who can go either way under the right circumstances.

Also, I don't get this mentality of "I'm just not interested in anyone else, therefore I'm not poly." I've never had all that much interest in meeting new people to date, a hypothetical person just didn't seem all that appealing, no matter how I tried to imagine someone who'd be just perfect for me.

Then I met a cute poly guy and within an hour or so I was hoping he'd kiss me and pretty soon after that he did, and we've had an ongoing thing for more than a year now.
Still, I wasn't interested in meeting new people to date. I tried OKC, met up with people, dates went okay but no sparks, I was just going through the motions to show I was making an effort.
I did start going to church, and there was this one really cute guy there, but he had a girlfriend, and they were probably mono, and that even if he was single, he was probably boring, and no way would he be interested in me, and if he was interested, it'd probably be in a pure and wholesome monogamous way. But damn he was cute, and we ended up talking enough that it was obvious he wasn't just cute, he was interesting, so I messaged him on facebook saying I'd like to get to know him, which lead to him asking if I wanted ice cream (duh! it's ice cream!) which it turned out that he was using ice cream to lure me into his bedroom because he'd been looking at my cleavage and thinking of things he'd like to do....So, not boring. 2 months later, still not sure what's going on, but I am very interested.

My point is that an absence of interest in dating theoretical people doesn't mean anything, because at any random point in time, someone could stumble into your life and you could suddenly find yourself very interested in dating that specific person.
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Old 09-26-2010, 03:34 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I do think people tend to be more mono or more poly, although some people could go either way too.

If you are mono, you can still have a mono/poly relationship. About the jealousy, I haven't felt it, when I came out to my husband I told him I definitely wanted him to be free to have other relationships, too, and when I tried to think about it, I really thought I would be jealous to some extent and have to work on it.
When he developed and interest in someone, told me about her, invited her for supper and everything, though, I wasn't jealous at all! I think it helps when there is a face and a name, but I also mostly think in my case, seeing him so happy just made it impossible for me to be upset about that.
I'm not sure if because I am poly I react better to it though: since I've experienced it before, it's easier for me to understand that he loves me just as much if not more when he meets someone else, because I've felt it myself.

As to whether you're mono or poly... I knew I was poly, because I guess I always had been like that and I could feel it. But still, I was with my husband monogamously for five years, simply because I never met anyone I was interested in. It's possible that you are like me. The way I work isn't to look for a relationship and find someone who would be a good fit. I meet someone and then feel like I want a relationship with them in particular.
If you work like me, forcing it just wouldn't work. Dating just doesn't work for me at all (as in dating sites, getting introduced by friends, etc) because it puts me in a different state of mind, and I need to be in a regular state of mind, just meeting the person normally, for things to develop.

You might be mono too, though. If that's the case, you can still have a mono/poly relationship, but it can be hard. It might be hard for him if he feels you're getting the short end and it makes him feel like a jerk. It might be hard for you if you feel like you're getting the short end, too. It's workable but harder.
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