Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-22-2010, 07:14 PM
LittleTiger LittleTiger is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 2
Default how to avoid the un-ethical sluts

This is probably a really basic question, but when I meet a new person, how do I know that they are really single and/or poly, and not just cheating!?

I'm new to poly, only dating one girl now (I'm bi-female) and she recently had an experience that got me thinking about this question. she met this guy that she really connected with at a party. The next day she finds out he lives in England.. and is married! (not open marriage either) She's still emailing him, just as friends, but I can tell the way she talks, she's really into him. and I feel like telling her to forget about this married dude who lives on another continent! But I think that's something she needs to figure out for herself (right?)

Also it made me wonder, how this situation could be prevented, or how I would have acted. It's easy for me to say, well I would have told him, "I'm only into dating people whose partners are totally on board with the poly thing, goodbye," although that does seems harsh, I don't like people who barely know me to make judgements about my life and my intensions. Also I understand once you have strong feelings for someone it can be hard to think clearly or let go (NRE)! Seems better to figure out someone's relationship status up front, but how do you really know, unless you meet their partners, which you only know exist if they tell you, which they might not, see what I mean?

Asking direct questions seems good first step, that way they have to lie to your face, which many people will not do (but if you don't ask, they don't tell!) but still I'm not even sure what to ask. Do you have a wife or girlfriend? covers lots of situations, but maybe he has a boyfriend! or a "friend with benefits" who thinks she is exclusive with him. I don't want to fall for someone who is unavailable (as my friend seems to have done) or for someone who turns out to be lying to me, or to another girl. How do you experienced poly people avoid this? Or is it not really a problem very much?

p.s. just realize this should be in "New to Poly" and not "Introductions" category, if someone can move that would be great. sorry!

Last edited by LittleTiger; 09-22-2010 at 07:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-22-2010, 07:19 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 69
Default

My wife (Tonberry) and I had a good approach to how to make sure any potential partners know that it's okay, that being that we make sure they get to meet us. So just reverse that rule and ask when you're going to get to meet their partner if they're in an open relationship. If they say they don't want you to... chances are that there's a reason and that reason might be the relationship isn't as open as they claim.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-23-2010, 02:38 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

I moved the discussion.

I expect anybody whom I'm going to date to meet my wife, just to make certain it's understood my wife does know and that I'm not looking to cheat on her or replace her or any other silliness.

I don't assume any woman who's involved elsewhere will want me to meet her other involvements early on. I look for warning signs--only wants me to call the cell and not the home phone, only calls me from someplace away from home or when alone at home, doesn't want me to call her at home, doesn't want me to know about plans they've made (for fear I might attend the same event?) and so forth. A set of warning signs and lack of meeting the other involvements is a sign for me to walk on.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-23-2010, 02:41 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post


I don't assume any woman who's involved elsewhere will want me to meet her other involvements early on. I look for warning signs--only wants me to call the cell and not the home phone, only calls me from someplace away from home or when alone at home, doesn't want me to call her at home, doesn't want me to know about plans they've made (for fear I might attend the same event?) and so forth. A set of warning signs and lack of meeting the other involvements is a sign for me to walk on.
Great advice.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-23-2010, 02:45 AM
openmarriagelove's Avatar
openmarriagelove openmarriagelove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 17
Default

I have found over time I pick up on the signs. After dating so long now in the open marriage I can pretty much pick up when they are being dishonest. And if I have the least bit of doubt I always say "I'll need to meet your wife before we can see each other regularly" or if they claim to be single, then I just watch their habits and observe for a while before I get serious. It does get easy to pick up on, which I wish the men would learn.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-23-2010, 04:33 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I like the advice given so far... I have been stung with this one.

My husband and I dated a man that claimed his wife knew for about 6 months. It turns out she thought he was just having casual sex, but he had fallen in love with me. he tried to get me to continue behind her back and with many concessions and disagreed with it and said he had to tell her. He did and broke contact from me immediately. Or she did, on his behalf, I don't know.

It sucked and I still have a bit of a sting in my heart over it. I will never do that again. I will always ask to speak with a partner first now as a result and before anything goes beyond flirting.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:05 PM.