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  #1  
Old 09-21-2010, 02:35 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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For the first time in our marriage - there are things he won't tell me, and I'm sad about that.

I had a shower with him - and as I got out I turned and said something.. and he stopped the conversation - because of something he was asked not to share with me. It made me sad that he has to watch what he says with me now

I understand the need, the right of other people to their privacy. I get it.

We've always had a 'don't ask me to keep a secret from my spouse' relationship. And that's changed. And it makes me sad

The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:46 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?
thats tough and has to be learned. It might be easier to think that its not something he is keeping from you, but something he is holding to himself that is private between the them.

And no, I don't know what it would be. But its something I have realized this last week. There are things our metamours deserve to have to themselves in private. Period. The reason I believe that, is because I guess i hope, in a fully communicative poly relationship there are things that I have with my new partners that are personal and intimate. ...
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:47 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?
My hubby and I JUST had this conversation tonight!! THERE ARE NO SECRETS! We agreed. He is going to tell C that this is just the way it is. Transparent. I realllllly realllllly think ~ and hope ~ that it is the way to avoid the drama.

Don't you??
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Old 09-21-2010, 02:52 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
My hubby and I JUST had this conversation tonight!! THERE ARE NO SECRETS! We agreed. He is going to tell C that this is just the way it is. Transparent. I realllllly realllllly think ~ and hope ~ that it is the way to avoid the drama.

Don't you??
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hmmmm you are looking at a tough balance. Where does something become intimate and personal. I expect my partner to know what I NEED to know. I tell her what I want to know. But I know there are things that they own to themselves.

This is an internal debate with me. Now that I have things I enjoy that might be personal with my new partner, there is a level of trust needed to make a relationship work.

Full transparent disclosure...removes somethign intimate I think.

Still thinking on it myself. This is an interesting topic. I am all over full communication, but that is VERY different than full disclosure.
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:51 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Full transparent disclosure...removes somethign intimate I think.

Still thinking on it myself. This is an interesting topic. I am all over full communication, but that is VERY different than full disclosure.
I suppose "Full" disclosure could be a bit much, YET I think that it is important for C to realize that there is a bond of trust between my hubby and myself far BIGGER than she will ever be able to realize. So, when she asks him for coffee or over to her place etc., the reality is that he will tell me. AND I think it is important for her to know that he will tell me, because ultimately that will either build bridges or barriers to OUR level of trust.

Do you know what I mean?

It seems that there are not too many 'quasi' triads on the board....and I imagine that is because they are so tricky to navigate, and ultimately fail.

It is a very surreal experience to be BFFs one minute, baking cakes together, and all in bed together the next. It is sort of like switching a light on and off.

My other girlfriends in my life have established a level of trust that is rich and deep....over many years. For C, due to the circumstances, I am not sure if we will ever get there. It's sort of sad but I am taking it in stride (trying) and reciting, 'it is what it is'....a very FUN loving relationship that for the most part makes me feel good, and at other times, drives me insane!!

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Old 09-21-2010, 04:09 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I suppose "Full" disclosure could be a bit much, YET I think that it is important for C to realize that there is a bond of trust between my hubby and myself far BIGGER than she will ever be able to realize. So, when she asks him for coffee or over to her place etc., the reality is that he will tell me. AND I think it is important for her to know that he will tell me, because ultimately that will either build bridges or barriers to OUR level of trust.

Do you know what I mean?
I do, but thats ENTIRELY different than said girlfriend going on a date with someone else, telling your hubby some details that apply to them only and you requesting to know all the details of THAT conversation or set of actions.

Thats just an example of what I am referring to.

Now in your case, what if he and the gf did something private and intimate. I don't know the workings of your relationship. But does he disclose everything? I would find that to restrictive as a third.

I don't put pressure on what can and can't be said. But I think I assume there are intimacies about the relationship that my gf and I own to ourselves. Pengrah and W have things they have to themselves (in regards to what I know). I like it that way.

Obviously its not for everyone, just giving my personal examples
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:21 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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A couple of thoughts,....

- I think disclosure and privacy, is very relationship and person specific. While some people can easily get along with metamours and like them as a person, others can`t. Others don`t trust their partners, other partners. Wether thats a true dishonesty they feel, or just people not seeing eye to eye, this can alter the need for full disclosure.

- The other thing is that disclosure and privacy can ebb and flow. During insecure times, a partner may want to know more then normal about their loves other partners. When things find balance again, the need to grill and drill should wane a bit in a healthy relationship.

- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there.


I believe fully in my right to some privacy. As everyone has stated it`s tricky knowing when to disclose something, and when to keep it private. I always hope and count on the fact that a combo of efforts will direct me. How I feel emotionally about the issue. How I see others reacting, and the last tidbit, ...forecasting the benefits of any such information.

I wont be able to do this perfectly, but it helps.
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:56 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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A couple of thoughts,....

- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there.
Not quite sure what you mean, Superjast.

Hubby is going to tell C, that we disclose almost everything to each other. She has seen this so it shouldn't come as a big surprise. I honestly think that she has never had this level of trust with ANYone in her life, so it is quite a foreign concept. Maybe I do try to teach too much. Who knows?

After a luscious weekend, she contacted hubby yesterday and asked to meet for coffee....the weird thing is, I would have been fine with it, but Hubby said to her, "everything is going so well now, why would we want to mess it up by a secret meeting". Now, bare in mind, that we are a 'quasi triad' which seems to be rather unique and has different rules than him just meeting her and me meeting someone else....although, I still think that the BEST way to avert heartache is by telling the truth and having a plan. Like, "hey, C wants to have a coffee with me this morning, do you mind?" Or better yet, "C wants to meet me for a coffee tomorrow, do you mind?"

It sounds a little 'controlish' but I think, as the wife that has opened her heart and home to a third, I can be okay with that. Right?

P2
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  #9  
Old 09-21-2010, 02:56 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I believe that every relationship has a right to intimate privacy. As an example, if I wanted to know something about Redpepper and Polynerdist's sex than it is up to both of them if that information is shared. It belongs to them.

But I don't believe this is an issue unless some one has a sense of entitlement to know everything. I do not. Why? Because I do feel a right to have privacy within my relationship with Redpepper and therefore that same expectation is returned.

If my privacy is compromised than it adversely affects my trust which directly impacts the depth of my love.
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:52 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I know that I've gotten upset in the past when things about me have been shared that have nothing to do with my husband and his girlfriend. Even if she is going through something similar, my stuff is mine to share, not his. I've asked him that he clear it with me or ask her to talk to me directly if it is my stuff that I own. In the same spirit I don't want him sharing things with me that she has told him in confidence about her that have nothing to do with me. Although if it's something that does affect me then I have said that I need to know those things (ie when "I love you" happens or discussions about changing living arrangements, even if they are just what if conversations).
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