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  #1  
Old 01-16-2013, 08:41 PM
lilyankh lilyankh is offline
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Default How can I get myself hot for my 1st lover when all my body wants is my new lover?

Main Issue: I've been with my husband for 5 years, I love him and can't live without him. No one knows me better. But his self esteem has been low and our sex life has been on and off and boring for at least a year. No matter what he does I just don't get wet any more for him. We have to use lube all the time. 9 months ago I met my boyfriend. It became sexual about 6 months ago. The sex is HOT...and FUN...
So the other week my husband unintentionally (or not) overheard my boyfriend make me come several times in one session. This was devastating to my husband's self esteem because he rarely makes me come. So in light of this he has declared that he has given up trying to spice things up and that if I have an idea we can try it. ... I am cool with that.
More Details: I am the more creative and the dominate one in the relationship anyways. He relys on me for every thing else (food, home stuff, social calendar stuff). But I can't seem to block out my boyfriend in my head to reconnect with my husband. Sexually all I can think about is my boyfriend....When I think about my husband I think sweet, kind, patient, best friend etc...but none of that makes me wet.
The one thing that worked once was I roll played as his dom...that got me very hot...but while he doesn't mind that he is not good at role playing and once we started fucking it was the same boring style and my mind wandered again. Plus I need to learn more about being a dom...because i don't think I was very good at it. (I'm talking about a dom for an hour of sex, not full time)
Question: How can I get my self hot for my husband when all mind wants sexually is my boyfriend?
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:43 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You do whatever it takes. Otherwise, just have sex and don't worry about getting "hot". This assumes that you WANT to maintain a sexual connection with your more established partner. The way I say it here sounds simplistic and vulgar, but i don't have time to type out all the examples. I went through this a year or two ago, and still am to some extent, although now it's the otehr way around and my Spouse is really hot for their other partner... It's ok, it will all come around again. Just treat each other good.
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:10 AM
HimAndHerInBP HimAndHerInBP is offline
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Have you spoke with him about what his desires are and what turns him on? If you can find that, perhaps he'll get a bit more exciting instead of same old same old. And with that, it will likely fix your moisture problem.
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:23 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HimAndHerInBP View Post
Have you spoke with him about what his desires are and what turns him on? If you can find that, perhaps he'll get a bit more exciting instead of same old same old. And with that, it will likely fix your moisture problem.
Being "hot" for someone is about more than just getting wet. LOL...
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:44 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Lilyankh, maybe you could ask yourself what, specifically makes sex with your husband so boring? Then try to do the opposite.

For example, you mentioned your thoughts about his personality and he sounds like more of a gentle, loving yet somewhat dependent person. So, maybe you want him to be more assertive, aggressive. Ask him to dominate you, tear your clothes off, handcuff you, take you more forcefully, etc.

Or if it is very specific techniques that bore you, read up on new things to do. If you always wind up in the same old position, change it up, change the room. If it's always missionary with the lights off, then do it against the wall in the dining room in the middle of the day. Tell him you want him to surprise you with something you've never done before at least once a week. Let him know you want him to be creative. Take him to a sex toy store and get ideas.

If it's a personality thing, then what would make your husband more interesting to you? So often we take for granted that the people in our lives are who they are and never change. But that is impossible - we are all a little bit new every single day. Maybe he has secret desires, untapped talents, that you could encourage him to explore and share with you. Take a fun class together, find a new hobby or social circle together, let him take over some of the things he depends on you for, and try to see him in a new light. I think the last part is most important - it's so easy to say someone else is boring, but how much are we really willing to see that person for all of who they are and not just the everyday role they play in our life? How much is it you taking him for granted and expecting him to be predictable, which might set in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe you need to get to know him better!

Just afew ideas for you... hope you find some inspiration.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-17-2013 at 04:48 AM.
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:19 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It's important that you realize this is just a phase. This isn't how it has to be forever.

You can also fantasize that you're "trying" things on your husband that you want to try with your boyfriend, and variations on that theme. Husband does not have to know you're doing this unless it's something that you think or know would be a turn-on for him.
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Old 11-16-2014, 05:40 PM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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So this was a year ago? I'm curious how things have worked out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
he sounds like more of a gentle, loving yet somewhat dependent person. So, maybe you want him to be more assertive, aggressive. Ask him to dominate you, tear your clothes off, handcuff you, take you more forcefully, etc.
As a gentle, cuddly, loving, vanilla-horny man with low self-esteem, this would probably not work out well. One girl did get me to be more aggressive with her by being playfully aggressive with me first. Biting me or pinching me so that I had to hold her down to prevent it, etc. But expecting me to turn into a dom overnight is not going to happen. I won't do it right and will feel even more insecure when I fail.

BDSM is a negative, uncomfortable thing to me, whereas playful wrestling is positive and fun, and can result in some of the same situations? Depends whether the thrill is from being physically overpowered or from being in actual danger, I suppose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyankh View Post
We are going to do what ever it takes. We have always been open and communicating about this issue.
Good attitude!

Quote:
that I would like him to be more "assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." as one of you suggested...and he admittedly just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable.
Yep.

Quote:
He has a low self esteem which just keeps getting worse and then he had no confidence and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this...which just perpetuates the problem.
Yep. But this cycle, can you help to reverse it? Are you giving him positive reinforcement when he does something right, instead of only negative reinforcement when he doesn't please you? Do you tell him he's hot, even if you don't 100% believe it? Maybe it will make him feel more confident, which will surprisingly make it come true?

Last edited by cuddlecakes; 11-16-2014 at 05:44 PM.
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