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Old 09-20-2010, 02:19 AM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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Hello everyone. I am new here and need some help and insight. I guess what I really want to know is how can one be sure whether they are just done with their relationship or if they are poly? I feel like a fake, and a poser and I don't know what to do. I have been married for 5 years (but living together for 11) to my DH. I started to fall for this other man and so told DH about it and asked him if he would be willing to think about a poly relationship. He was all for it, given that he has always felt a strong lean that direction. So anyway...I have been feeling (but denying and refusing to believe that I felt) like things had changed with my DH for a while now. I love him and always will. We have a child together and I adore him. But, I don't feel like I used to. I want to share raising our daughter together and I feel like i want to be his best friend, but a lot of the mushy stuff is gone. I just don't feel it anymore. Add to that the NRE feelings with this new man (who is by the way, very mono) and I just feel like I am living a lie here by saying that I am poly. I feel like I am wanting a relationship with the new man, but not wanting to break my DHs heart (b/c I do still care about him) or hurt our kid. I have told DH all of this, and he assures me that it's early, and I should just keep on keeping on and see what happens, but it feels like a charade. Help me?
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:35 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I can see where you are coming from. You are comparing the feeling of NRE with the new man to the relationship with your husband in which you no longer feel the "mushy stuff".

Here's a question, do you still desire your husband sexually? I'm assuming you are using the term "mushy stuff" in place of infatuation, flirtation, and possibly even romance.

Others here will provide you with great advice.
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:14 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I agree with your DH, it's early days yet and I think you should wait a good couple to three years to see where you are at. I have a similar situation to you in that I have a husband (PN) and child and now a boyfriend that is mono (Mono). I have been deep in my NRE with this man and feel very passionate and bonded with him. With my husband I love him, but it is the attachment I love about him, rather than the lust and passion... there is nothing wrong with that at all, that is not a facade. The two types of love are valid and to be cherished. I decided to cherish them and it has made me feel much more whole.

This link might help with the understanding of love... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=helen+fisher

There are other interesting threads on here that might help... if you do a search on love you may find some. A tag search might work best.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:13 PM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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Well, the truth is that I don't really desire DH sexually anymore...not the way I once did. I mean, I have the physical reactions that show that I am having a good time when we have sex...but as far as that yerning...not so much. I hate that I feel this way. What do I do?
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Old 09-20-2010, 11:12 PM
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I don't know how this relates to poly relationships, but it seems to me that most monogamous relationships start with a big, NRE-based sexual bang, and then settle into sort of a 'routine sex' situation. Where you typically desire sex much less than initially, but you still do it fairly regularly, although nobody enjoys it all that much. That yearning? I suspect its fairly rare in mature relationships.

That doesn't mean the relationship is no good, imo, just means its in a different place. Less sex, but often much more depth, in that you know and love each other so well.

But only you, and time, can answer whether you're really mono and done with DH romantically, or poly and having bigtime NRE.


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Old 09-21-2010, 02:42 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anotherbo View Post
I don't know how this relates to poly relationships, but it seems to me that most monogamous relationships start with a big, NRE-based sexual bang, and then settle into sort of a 'routine sex' situation. Where you typically desire sex much less than initially, but you still do it fairly regularly, although nobody enjoys it all that much. That yearning? I suspect its fairly rare in mature relationships.

That doesn't mean the relationship is no good, imo, just means its in a different place. Less sex, but often much more depth, in that you know and love each other so well.

But only you, and time, can answer whether you're really mono and done with DH romantically, or poly and having bigtime NRE.


Anotherbo
Yeah that! Mushy stuff goes away until you bring it back with effort on both sides.

How is your relationship with your husband otherwise? Sometimes, making the effort to do some of the little things like touching, texting during the day and other stuff you reserved for when you were dating, brings back some of the warm fussy feelings, but it usually isn't the same NRE feeling when it was new.
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Old 09-21-2010, 06:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by figuringitout View Post
Well, the truth is that I don't really desire DH sexually anymore...not the way I once did. I mean, I have the physical reactions that show that I am having a good time when we have sex...but as far as that yerning...not so much. I hate that I feel this way. What do I do?
Maybe it's time to leave him then. Seriously, maybe you don't love him any more. Maybe it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with not feeling any love for him anymore. I would gather that in that you made no further mention of love.

You sound pretty set that you need to feel a different way NOW... again, what of waiting... you just started out...! what's the rush to have all of it figured out? Even you partner is telling you that.
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Old 09-21-2010, 09:04 PM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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Thank you all for your responses and assistance. This is a hard place to be, and I'm not sure how to breathe most days. It helps a bit to have somewhere to come and vent. I am thankful.
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