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Old 01-15-2013, 07:57 PM
lilyankh lilyankh is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 12
Default two primaries: One partner is sad & lonely when I'm w/the other

I have two primaries, husband and boyfriend. My husband is very busy and works a lot. I don't get much time with him during the week at all, but he is always free on Saturday and so he gets most of that day and night. Then there is my boyfriend. He has a lot of free time and we spend a lot of time together through out the week. Never the less, when I am with my husband my boyfriend struggles. Especially at night he gets sad and lonely. ...My boyfriend is very new to the poly concept and while he wants to be with us... he still struggles sharing me. What can I do to help? What can I suggest for him to do? My husband gets Saturday nights and these are the hardest for him. Are there any threads on this? (He is from another country. English is his second language. He can't drive and he doesn't have many friends. ...as you can see that makes typical solutions to this problem difficult for him.)

New Poly,Fem. Hinge w/2 str8 males
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:44 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398

Something like this might be good for me to pass on to Primal. Peaseblossum has problems being without him any time he has plans with me or Lamian because her primary partner isn't able to spend all the time she wants with him.

So any advice that I could pass on to her to hopefully make things easier for her will be better for everyone (mainly her and Primal especially if it lowers their fights over this stuff).
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
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Old 01-16-2013, 12:11 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,204

How long have you been with your 2 men?

Your bf has a learning curve about keeping busy when his poly gf is with another. Jealousy is a horrible feeling! If he's only been with you a few months he is in NRE and that can make you driven to spend as much time as possible with the new lover.

It's on him to distract himself that ONE night a week he can't be with you! LOL. See friends, work out, get a new hobby, anything intense enough to be a solid distraction. Compersion can grow out of jealousy but it can take time. I hope he doesnt feel in competition with your husband and make any cowboy moves to get you all to himself!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Seeing Kahlo (polyish, M, 45)
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom/bf for 3+ years
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Old 01-16-2013, 03:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,810

If he is sad because he is lonely?

And he doesn't speak the language well or drive well yet and he has not made new friends yet because he's new in the country?

Could trying to take some language/driving classes a possibility and making some new friends help? And see if the class is offered like... on a Saturday night?

Is the sad stemming from jealous? Could anything here help?

You can encourage and be supportive, but he's could own his own feelings, and then he could change his own behavior to hope to feel something new. Because if what he's doing right now on Saturdays is magnifying "sad and lonely" type feelings -- well.... change the behavior then. See if it feels better.

Does he have suggestions to offer for solving this himself when you talk to him? Or is he laying it all on you to solve?

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Old 01-16-2013, 05:32 PM
lilyankh lilyankh is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 12
Default answering your questions

I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. I don’t think he is jealous, he is more just lonely and sad he can’t have me all the time like he could if he was in a monogamous relationship. He was not poly until he fell in love with me and I told him it was the only way he could be with me.
My boyfriend is not here legally so he does not drive at all. And he is shy speaking English in social situations. He does take English classes, but they are all in the morning.
Last Saturday was really hard for him…so I will have to talk to him about it before this Saturday. I just wanted to see if you guys had dealt with this same issue.
He is alone other nights too, but there’s work and other things to distract him…Saturdays are just so long and event-less for him I think that makes it harder. My husband and I are his friends.
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Old 01-16-2013, 08:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,465

When in this new romance did you decide on co primary status ? I assume when you announced this status change with both men that's when the Saturday night date night with hubby was inked in and the issues of time share were hammered out and agreed to.

With being a primary or Co-primary comes the burden and responsibility of handling time splits.

have you or anyone thought to suggest dating on those nights ? Saturday night use to be a natural date night People here will testify that there's nothing like a hot date to distract you from what someone else is doing.
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Old 01-22-2013, 01:25 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,580

Going without a persons company for ONE day out of each week should not be traumatic for a fully functional adult. He should definitely read some poly material so that he can figure out if he is interested in adjusting his worldview to a degree that would make your arrangement work.

If he doesn't drive, doesn't have friends, has nothing whatsoever to do with his time... he should fix that...

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Does he have suggestions to offer for solving this himself when you talk to him? Or is he laying it all on you to solve?
Word. It's nice to look out for your partner, help and guide them whenever you can. However, there's a difference between being a good friend and coddling someone who is putting forward no effort to work through their own issues. I don't know that this is the issue here, but it bears considering.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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