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  #1  
Old 01-13-2013, 02:45 AM
AnimeLover121 AnimeLover121 is offline
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Default She dumped us- but should we try again? Advice?

Okay,
Hi!
I am really new here and extremely new to poly. Some background dun dun:
I am engaged to a wonderful man (let's call him Tim) Tim and I have been together since high school. We are very much in love. Life rolled along and we went to college where we met this girl (let's call her Clara). Clara is/was awesome. Nerdy cute and smart. Everything we are, and like. One day Tim and Clara got to talking and somehow wound up talking about sex to which he disclosed that Tim and I were experimenting with bdsm. To which she got very excited and hinted that she wouldn't mind joining us. Tim laughed it off, came home, told me, I laughed it off.

Life went on with one difference. Tim and Clara began flirting, all with my permission till one day Clara kissed Tim. Which actually turned into a more hilarious situation than a hurtful one. Everyone seemed to feel bad but me, lol. I gave the green light for Tim and Clara to do things and one night I joined in. With all the fun we were having Tim and I didn't want it to end. So we put some real thought into it and decided poly might work for us. An honest, committed triad. She fit into our lives so perfectly that it seemed a dream. And not just with sex. Food movies, games, every day was a blast. But the dream turned to ash in our mouths.

Clara moved away due to some plans that had been in motion before this all started. And no amount of begging could make her stay. She said she loved us. And we tried long distance. But stuff with her roommates seemed fishy and we hardly ever talked. Me, having known her the least amount of time, got the brunt of the cold shoulder. Eventually, she decided to 'set us free and stop hurting us' and dumped us. It was hell.

I cried on and off for days. Then resolved not to cry anymore. Then cried some more weeks after that. Tim cried too, and that hurt more. Finally, We're getting over it.
But now she's reaching out to us again and hinting that she might be regretting her actions. The time we spent together was wonderful and i would hate for that to be taken away forever. I've done some research into this and i know that if Tim and I seriously considered poly again we would be searching for 'the mythical unicorn': the bisexual female who would love us equally. Clara was our unicorn and I don't know if we could be that lucky again.

But she hasn't said straight up that she wants to try again. And if we do try again, I want to know she's a changed person that won't hurt us like that again. Should I approach her? Should Tim approach her? Should we wait to see if she'll actually bring it up?
This is killing me. Again.
Help
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  #2  
Old 01-14-2013, 04:23 AM
HimAndHerInBP HimAndHerInBP is offline
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All three of you need to talk open and frankly. Find out why things went down as they did. Being the third can be rather intimidating to many. Nothing great comes without risk.
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  #3  
Old 01-14-2013, 10:08 AM
boadicea boadicea is offline
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I don't know you, obviously, but I think you and Tim should both approach her together. If you are at all interested in trying things out with her again, I would strongly suggest it. We refused to "go unicorn hunting" and it took six years for a nice cute girl to find us totally by chance, and I consider us all three very lucky, even though not everything's perfect.

In mainstream monogamous relationship world, it might be true that "there are other fishes in the sea." But for a poly couple looking for a bisexual woman, there might be like two other fishes and they're hanging out in some cave in the Caspian Sea. Stupid metaphor, I know, but I really think you should give it a shot with Clara unless you are too devastated by the past breakup and can't survive living through it again.
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Old 01-14-2013, 04:06 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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Is it possible for all three of you to talk? Maybe a 3-way call or a google hangout or something. Id be more inclined to do as close to face to face as possible.

What did she say to make you think she wants to try again? I'm sure she's scared, especially if she feels like she screwed things up.

Think about what you would need to try again. An explanation of what happened? Daily communication? Her having a plan to move back? What are your needs? your expectations? your wants?

Then talk to her! If nothing is discussed, you dont know where she stands
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Old 01-14-2013, 05:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Well, I'm hearing nothing malicious in BEHAVIOR. Mostly feelings here and emotional management stuff and dealing with the limits of distance and LDR. Not like shaky ground limits of partner not able to be honest. Geography is neither here nor there in a person's character or trustworthiness. It's... geography.

What's the fishy roomie thing about? Does that play into the story? That bit confuses me.

Quote:
Clara moved away due to some plans that had been in motion before this all started. And no amount of begging could make her stay. She said she loved us. And we tried long distance.
At at that time, she was not willing to change Big Life Plans already in motion for a new relationship that had no history and no commitment. Don't blame her -- I'd do same with moving plans.

You tried anyway with LDR and discovered LDR does not work for you guys.

She decided to break up more firmly since it wasn't working out short distance (the move) or long distance (LDR probs.) Is that it?

And coping with the break up was rough on the couple... and the emotional management hard... so it leaves you unwilling to go there again? Breaking up is always a risk in romances.

Quote:
But now she's reaching out to us again and hinting that she might be regretting her actions. The time we spent together was wonderful and i would hate for that to be taken away forever.
So you ARE willing to entertain the thought? Not say you ARE going there again, but willing to talk it out to assess it's realistic "doability" at this new point in time?

If so... what's the offer? If same LDR model again - you already know you don't like it. Who knows how Tim feels.

What would have to be the offer on the table for you to be willing to try that again? How you want to be together if you get together again in a dating thing? And how you want to break up if it comes to that after trying it out again and finding that again it does not work? Is she moving back into town and you will live with Tim and she will live in her flat, and you date for a time to see how a short distance/local thing works out instead?

(And Tim would have to speak for himself in these talks.)

So... could talk and see. If you wanted to talk and assess the willingness of all people, the offer(s) that could be on the table, and what people's wants, needs, and limits are. The pros and cons of it at this point in time.

If you aren't willing to entertain discussion -- don't. If you are, do. If she's a potential "Right One" and the problems is not so much her "right fit"-ness.... but "The Right Time"-ness.... maybe it's worth investing time in just a talk?

There are many Right Ones out there. They don't always come at the Right Time -- maybe the time is changed now? Can't know without an honest assessment of where all the potential players are at. At THIS new point in Time.

Hope all that makes sense.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2013 at 07:30 PM.
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  #6  
Old 01-14-2013, 05:58 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It doesn't sound like she dumped you. It sounds like she simply ended the relationship when she had to move.

There is a big difference between a break-up and being dumped!! Getting dumped is usually abrupt and out of the blue, a surprise, or a big turn-around in someone's behavior. She didn't appear to me to have dumped you because it sounds like you all discussed her situation and she chose to leave and do what felt right for her at the time. She told you that she loved you and even tried to conduct the relationship with you long-distance after she moved away. All that sounds very considerate and loving on her part! Obviously, it was a painful decision she had to make.

Instead of moving on and wishing her well, you took it personally as a hurtful thing, and now you see it as being dumped and have convinced yourself that she hurt you. But you have chosen to feel hurt, in actuality. If you had been thinking more of what she wanted and needed back then, you wouldn't have begged her to stay, but tried to find a way to be supportive and loving. I had a bf that I loved, years ago, and when he considered moving far away, I encouraged him to do it because I knew that that would make him happy, even though I would miss him. Why didn't it work out when it was a LDR?

You may want to look at this attitude, and check to see where you are being very focused on yourself/yourselves and what you are getting out of it, versus wanting everyone to be happy, and finding ways to be loving, giving, and supportive equally to each other. Just because you were a couple first, and she came to be involved with you later does not mean that her role is to satisfy the two of you. She has her own needs and wants and right to be satisfied. So, I would say that if she wants to talk about what happened, listen to her. If she wants to rekindle things with you, consider it. But talk, talk, talk, and try not to be selfish or indulge in the idea that she "hurt" you in the past - the past is past, so what do you all want now?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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